My animatronic lion cub is watching over me at this second, purring every once in awhile begging me to pay attention to him as I am sitting typing the thoughts that have crossed my mind today. I purchased him on sale for $14.95 at Target and it was created by Woowee so it is high quality. He is kind of gnarly since I am sure he was handled by 1 million pairs of sticky, bacterial laden hands and then there were the multitude of kids that handled it, and inevitably someone into bestiality probably fondled him and stuck him into his pants. His right eye does not close all the way so he robotically sleeps with an eye partially open. After being in someone’s pants I do not blame him! I only have to feed him battery current and he does not poop on my desk or shed hair and I find myself brushing him when ever I am doing my armpit hair so there is no extra effort there. I believe in marking my territory. He was named Jubal after one of my favorite and most beloved literary characters. He can be found in “At the Earth’s Core”, Jubal the Ugly is his full name. Friends call him Ug for short. I love him almost as much as my ex pet fly Sol. I still weep when I look at his little thimble of a cremation urn that sits on my desk. The urn gets lost frequently. Fly remains take up an incredibly small amount of space.

These are but a few quips I have read on Facebook that cause bemusement and can puzzle me and outright can be thought provoking. All you have that has to be done is a little searching.

1. What is this hair doing in my teeth?
2. Whose finger is the dog chewing on and dragging around the house now?
3. Damn I hate it when the neighbors are BBQing skunk!
4. I told the 5 people on train it was just Capri Sun Lemonade I spilled on them when my colostomy bag exploded.
5. Yoko Ono is hot but then I am legally blind…
6. My husband got his penis stuck in the hot tub jet again!
7. I accidentally took Viagra instead of Tylenol and have been limping for 3 days.

New York—Mark McGwire told the Associated Press during a phone interview that he did indeed use steroids in 1998. His voice cracked as he recounted telling his wife, parents and children about his use.

His voice broke as he said, “It’s the first time they’ve ever heard me, you know, talk about this. I hid it from everybody.” But apparently not from Jose Canseco, a former teammate.

McGwire also called commissioner Bud Selig and Cardinals manager Tony La Russa to personally apologize.

McGwire added that when he used steroids, he never imagined he would have to talk about it to the national media nor about how small his gonads had gotten.

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Orange County nudists are up in arms over the burial of a rotting seal carcass on a San Onofre beach. The nudists stated Tuesday that parks officials buried the animal on the clothing-optional beach. Allen Baylis, a frequenter of the location, said one of the dead seal’s fins sticks out of the sand just a few yards form a volleyball court and is a danger to his “extremely long penis”. He added that the stench from the decomposing animal is so horrendous that he’s been forced to wear a scarf over his nose which goes against his clothing-optional lifestyle.

The stench was also reported to be keeping many beach-goers away but other sources reported that the sight of Baylis’ “withered sack” was the real reason for avoidance of the area.

Steve Scott, the park’s maintenance chief, told reporters that the fin was left exposed to assist the nudists in removing sand lodged in their cracks, as he demonstrated by squatting and rocking back and forth. There was no intention of offending or inconveniencing the nudists

BERLIN—Reports from southern Germany state that an officer has been suspended after allegedly having sex in a Catholic church during services. A police spokesman, Hans-Peter Kammerer, told the German media that the 26-year-old faces possible disciplinary repercussions and a criminal complaint for disturbing religious activities during his blessed romp.

Kammerer stated that the officer was discovered with a woman in the church during early morning services last Thursday after shouts of, “Oh, God! Oh, God!” were heard. The couple fled before climaxing but a church employee recognized the officer.

According to German law, disturbing religious activities can carry a sentence of up to three years in prison. A church representative said the act definitely qualified as a, “disturbing religious activity.” He also added that, “Only priests are allowed to have sex in church” and that “the officer’s partner was too old and of the wrong sex to even come close to what is allowed.”

Education, as taught on a specific level in the medium known as Television is very sparse indeed. It can truly be brain numbing even though we lack pain receptors in that organ. I think I did lose some brain mass that day. Part of the numbing effect comes from the countless commercials thrust upon you as you watch anything. My particular favorites are the commercials that are advertising drugs. There is a small blurb as to what the drug essentially tries to accomplish then ALL the adverse side effects. I have never heard the word “death” mentioned so often within a minute. Also anomalies I did not think could happen such as testicles exploding, brain matter seeping from the ears and buttocks falling off. There is a drug that is an anti-depressant that is supposed to be taken with an anti-depressant. I did a double take on that one and of course all the side effects deal with making you even MORE depressed or developing the urge to commit suicide. I think they should have a commentator that can speak as fast as the ones that do car commercials that when at the end of the commercials, relate to you in 2.9 seconds, 459 reasons you will be screwed if you purchase this car. Some of the drug commercial do not even tell you what the drug is for and always tell you to mention it to your doctor if you can take this drug. I did this for one drug I had seen on TV and my doctor asked me when the baby was due.