Lazy Bastards

 Psycho Babble  No Responses »
May 102012
 

Psycho KillerHave you ever known an EXTREMELY lazy person in your life? I mean REALLY lazy. You will encounter them in different facets of your life. We assume a lazy person does not wish to expend any energy that is why they are lazy but there are circumstances in which that statement is untrue. The first lazy person I will discuss also exhibits being a bit of an ass as well but is none the less lazy scum sucking parasite (Reminds me of another person I live with). Was that me who said that?

I work as a contractor for the government. Yes you can all cry and weep and moan for me. Hell I do that each and EVERYDAY! I try and deal with the insanity in various ways. Once in a while I dress up in a suit and pass myself off as Senator. No one knows the difference anyway and I autograph everything as Harry Potter. So many are enthused I decided to take up politics. Other times I just go to a warehouse and carry a ladder back and forth all day. Everyone thinks I am quite an industrious fellow. I do it for the cardio, keeps me in shape. I actually believe there is a person employed that does just that and of course he makes 150K a year. Oh, onto laziness. There is lots of it around here as well as apathy. Unfortunately I DO care about the lazy asses. One person here is in charge of assigning static IPs to printers that are installed. He actually created a form with which you give the pertinent info and must then send it to him in three different ways, two ticketing systems and by encrypted e-mail. You would think that a person that created a form for you to compile necessary information would know what it is for? Well not this guy. As a matter of fact he TRIES to confuse you at EVERY attempt to get him to add a printer to the network. The expenditure of energy in the pursuit to thwart you from getting him to do his job is incredible. His hair is like something created from a metal sculpture. Never a hair out of place and we can actually use his head as a battering ram without damage to his brain. People receive cuts just from touching his hair. With his hair he is NOT lazy unless he just shellacs it. I have to write tomes to this guy and speak with him on endless phone calls to explain to him, his form. You would think he is stupid? No, he just is a lazy bastard and does not want to do his job. I think I actually saw one of the few Standard Operating Procedures at work and it was of course “How to be a Lazy Bastard When Employed by Your Government”. If it is not laziness then he must also use shellac on his public hairs. Continue reading »

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Songs

 Psycho Babble  No Responses »
Apr 262012
 

Psycho KillerSomeone challenged me to come up with a list of music appropriate for certain locations. These are all off the top of my head.

 

Crematorium:

  • Light My Fire; The Doors

Sporting Shoe Store

  • And I Ran; Flock of Seagulls

Auto Dealership

  • In Cars; Gary Neuman

Psychiatrist:

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Ants

 Psycho Babble  No Responses »
Apr 252012
 

Psycho KillerI had a conversation the other day about ants, not to be misconstrued with aunts which can also be quite annoying but rarely crawl up the crack of your ass and mistake it for their ant colony. Well a hole between two mounds can be misleading. I remember a time in 5th grade when I had to do an impromptu speech. Everyone in the class was permitted to write a topic on a piece of paper and place it in a hat. We had to draw a slip from the hat and speak on the topic for 1 minute. I pulled the topic “Bees”. After 5 minutes of talking and at the point at which I was speaking about honey actually being “Bee Poop”, my teacher told me to shut up and sit down. To this day I love watching the bees collect nectar and go back to the hive and poop honey and have the bee keeper open the hive dressed as a giant bee and tell them it is a holiday and steal their honey after they have all flown away. Bees are not very smart and fall for that trick ALL the time along with the old telescope trick. Continue reading »

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The Beach

 Psycho Babble  No Responses »
Apr 202012
 

Psycho KillerA day at the beach can be a surrealistic experience. It brings to memory of a time I had taken my only art class at a Junior College and I had the professor expounding upon a Picasso painting of which I forget the name of. When the painting was flashed upon the screen, I giggle somewhat. Literally it looked as though a child was given a brush with black paint and a canvas and told to do whatever their heart pleased. She asked what I was laughing at and I told her what I thought. I said it belonged next to any Jackson Pollock painting. She actually said this to me “It took YEARS of difficult work to reach this infantile state!” I replied “Did this include defecating in his pants uncontrollably while painting?” She was not pleased. She was just one of the millions that buy into this bullshit. Someone can literally throw shit on a wall and it is art. It’s true! I have seen it. Continue reading »

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Ghosts

 Psycho Babble  No Responses »
Apr 192012
 

Psycho KillerI was raised and lived in a haunted house, at least according to my insane half-sister. Do you comprehend the emotional damage you can inflict upon 3 young boys, 5 and under with your ranting’s pertaining to ghostly encounters? Well I can tell you the effect, it SCARES YOU SHITLESS! My sister was constantly relaying stories of spirit encounters to us. One of my favorites looking back upon it now had to do with my sister’s claim that at night she would hear noises downstairs and in the morning discover all the furniture had been moved around. I always thought it must be damn boring in the afterlife if what power you utilize in your spirit form to manipulate objects is to re-arrange furniture to suit your taste. What a waste of power! I would contact the spirit and ask them to do the dishes or the laundry, make the beds or vacuum. This would be incredibly useful and bridge the gap between fear and developing a working relationship with your ghost. Just leave explicit notes around the house explaining what you need done and ask that the spirit put its energy to a purpose instead of just silly, crazy things like animating clowns and dragging you under the bed or turning your closet into some other dimensional maelstrom and sucking you into it! I HATE that! Continue reading »

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Life of a Super Hero

 Psycho Babble  No Responses »
Feb 232012
 

Psycho KillerThe life of a super hero! That’s for me. I was a comic book fan as a child so the heroes I knew then have undergone drastic changes over this period of time. Movies even solidify those changes to a point I do not recognize that which I grew up with and what is presented now. I ALWAYS questioned comics as a kid because things never made sense.

Let us start with lame costumes that do NOT cover up your secret identity. I will NOT mention Superman. Everyone that works with Clark all suffer incredible vision impairments or they dislike and loath him to such a degree, they have NEVER in their lives looked at him. Another lame costume is the mask that just covers the eyes. Again, no one can tell Hal Jordan is the Green Lantern with the exception of everyone that knows him. Better hope you never piss off that girlfriend or you are screwed. The more disturbing costumes have to do with young men forced to dress in see through tights and then they must hang out with their grown male super hero friend. Shame on you Batman and Captain America! Robin and Bucky will never be the same. I can see a state children’s worker asking them while taking notes “Did he touch you in a private place?” “Hell yes, LOOK at how I am dressed you IDIOT!” One thing I have noticed is that every male super hero that wears tights has no package to show. They are all over muscular men I guess with no genitals. Is Superman REALLY a Superman? They must feel horribly inadequate. Every female super heroine must shave EVERYDAY or be prepared to see themselves on the cover of every tabloid published with pubic hair jutting out everywhere around their panties and being denounced by every religious group not to mention fashion communities. Continue reading »

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