There is an institution in the United States that is as rock solid from its foundation to the lofty apex of its executive power. You can ALWAYS rely upon it being there and being open when you are in desperate need of a food product or even something as odd as shoe strings. That institution is 7-Eleven. You know, that franchise which all its locations are within 267 feet of one another? Starbucks used to have a greater saturation but were eventually banned from existing in people’s bathrooms, so that number has diminished. Starbucks did bring with them the coffee wars which 7-Eleven has stepped up to compete with in a big way. Even all the fast food joints such as McDonald’s (The Scottish fast food eatery) serves specialty coffees along with their breakfast haggis! Continue reading »
Imagine if you will, that you are a small herbivorous quadruped of the rodent family scurrying to and fro fervently within your environment in a search for sustenance. Unlike Homo sapiens with higher brain functions, you have no temporal sense or sense of mortality. You cavort and play since you are a clever and intelligent little creature, a common squirrel. Most hominoids think you are cute and adorable. You spy a rather tasty and enticing walnut laying on the ground not 8 feet from you. You scratch your furry ass and then furtively dart towards the mouth-watering morsel. As you grab it within your dexterous little paws you catch movement out of your peripheral vision. SPLAT… you are road kill. Continue reading »
Today I am reminded to contemplate that most sacred of events that takes place in a person’s life, possibly multiple times and could also include different species. I’m speaking of the sacred institution of marriage. It is so sacred that I have dated 5 women who have been married a total of 22 times. I have been married once so if I am to make any kind of dent in that number I had better get my ass in gear. This was brought to my attention when I went to a wedding on Sunday afternoon and realized the madness that can be contained within the boundaries of that event. At first when reminded by my girlfriend it was on a Sunday afternoon at 5:00 PM my first reaction was “What disease have I not used lately that I could claim to have to get out of it”? Unfortunately she did not believe that I had contracted Ebola within the last 48 hours due to the fact I was not dead. I had left a note in plain sight clearly stating I had Ebola and was dead but all it took was one swift kick to the groin to prove to her I was playing opossum. Damn she is good! I really need to start viewing some sports on TV so I can then have an excuse to ignore her and then be able to purchase a big head of some player and hang it on my wall to show the world all fanatical sports males have latent homosexual tendencies. So I had to get dressed up and I must say I looked quite awful. It was only 104 which seems to be a constant in Tracy. I believe this is where Hell vents quite a bit of its heat to the surface. Dress slacks, dress shirt and I am sweating like I just ran 5 miles naked. I even had to rush out to her vehicle and start it up and the AC so we could tolerate getting into it and avoiding an embarrassing case of butt cheek sweat. I thought we were cutting it close but we arrived on time. Continue reading »
Here I am again sitting in traffic and bored to tears. I see the woman in the car next to me digging into her nose thinking no one can see her. I see the arrogant ass in the Mercedes with his cell phone to his ear, almost running into cars in the lanes on either side of him since he cannot drive and move his lips at the same time. An 18 wheeler with the acceleration of a dead water buffalo is holding everyone up as he watches porn as he drives. I really HATE 18 wheelers. They can run simultaneously a brothel, meth lab and haul a load to a destination. Talk about versatility. I am sitting behind a Toyota Tacoma PreRunner. What the Hell? PreRunner? This gets me interested. So if there is a PreRunner will there eventually just be a Runner? And the logical succession would be the Post Runner which would be the last in the line of the truck. I know they made a 4Runner also. They could not call it the ForeRunner since in essence it would then be the PreRunner and you cannot have 2 vehicles with a name in the same time, space continuum. Einstein theorized if this happened, all blacktop as we know it would collapse in upon itself and leave that really horrible smell that liquid tar emanates. They do not have a 2Runner and I cannot understand that. Would this not fit into the grand scheme of taking a typical, common place technology and then giving it some grandiose name? The car industry for years has led the way in this little verbal jewel. The names given to automobile technology by manufactures is why we had to start calling Garbage Men, Waste Disposal Engineers. I called a person in a restaurant the other day a waitress and she corrected me and said she was a server. This made me very happy since I much preferred a sex slave over a waitress anyway. This is an example of the multitude of overwhelming excremental information I am forced to confront on a daily basis. There may be one or two tidbits that are actually usable or worthy to put into long term memory. It is like Propionibacterium which when thrown into the mixture of oily skin and blocked pores causes zits. Only how do you disconnect from this? It can be embarrassing when a person mentions they own a Daihatsu and you reply “gazunteit!” Continue reading »
I heard a person say to another person as I was standing in line at the local pharmacy, staring at my feet wondering how does one really get a size 12 up another’s rectum and then extricate it without having to find a show shine, when the brazen insult “You are so self absorbed!” was heard. I started thinking about what I surmised is supposed to be an insult. Can you only be ½ self absorbed? What percentage of self absorption is acceptable and when are you considered an Amoeba? No, that would not work since you would be absorbing others and growing in mass and would become an amorphous blob. Well at that point you can sign a movie deal for yet another re-make of the grape jelly monster. Continue reading »
One of my favorite past times has to do with reading biblical references and seeing them in an entirely different way. I mean the heavy hitters. Of course there is always numero uno and that is the big “G” meister himself who always makes his appearance as a rock or an ill mannered badger or water, you know, something really spectacular. One of my favorites in the Bible without a doubt was the man that was the first to sport a perfect pompadour while wandering aimlessly in the desert and that would be Moses. I have heard people say to me “Moses supposes his toeses are roses” and to that I just smack them in the face and continue eating what ever I am eating. Moses was the man that everyone wanted to be. As a matter of fact, there had to be laws put into place to deal with the impostors claiming to be the Moses. If caught this was punishable by spending a month attempting to part the Red Sea and with every failure being flogged with a 3 day old flounder. What I find interesting is that God really was fond of Mount Sanai and would only seem to speak with Moses at some location on said mountain. Unbeknownst to Moses, God did this to keep him in peek anaerobic and aerobic shape. No wonder woman thought he was hot; he had a great ass from all the exercise. He made millions from his “Move it with THE Moses” exercise videos. Continue reading »
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