FORT SMITH, Ark. – Fort Smith police reported that gunfire resulted after some uninvited guests crashed a local baptism. Authorities were dispatched to the Progressive Men’s Club at 2 a.m. Saturday after a caller reported “gunfire, dangnabbit”. A witness also told Fort Smith television station KHBS that her husband and father were pistol whipped by the trespassers – she only pointed at one man, however. Others, including a disk jockey, were beaten.
Police reported that someone had fired a gun in the air and then into the crowd; no one was wounded.
“It was all crazy and whatnot,” said attendee Bubba Pickens. “First we’s all having a good time. Then outta nowhere there’s holy water all over the place.”
Investigators said six juveniles were arrested. Their names weren’t released “on account of their ages”. One youth was charged with aggravated assault. Other charges include curfew violations, marijuana possession, carrying a weapon and intent to deflower a sibling.
SIRR scientists stirring some random smelly liquid.
(ESN) — Monday, August 30th, 2010, will be remembered in history as the day the Science Institute of Redundant Research (SIRR) has announced the results of their most prominent researches.
According to the press release, fifty years of meticulous research on a never before seen scale have led to amazing conclusions in the hot fields of ‘depression’, and ‘general pointlessness of life’.
Whereas previously it was speculated that having no reason to get out of bed in the morning made it harder for people to get up, now it is scientifically proven that this is indeed the case.
“No longer would we have to wander aimlessly in the realms of speculation and ignorant, primitive superstition,” says Dr. Plump Buttocks, senior analyst and executive chairman of SIRR, while eating a giant bowl of caviar in his 50 square foot golden jacuzzi. Continue reading »
“I’ve been trying to find some of the people I went to grade school and high school with. Sadly, all I found out is that most of them have passed away.”
Thelma Rogers, 77, has found herself on the one place she never thought she’d be: the Internet. According to Rogers, who turns 78 in two weeks, “I never understood what all the fuss was that my grandkids made over this Book Face. Then my son Jeffery bought me a computer last year for Christmas. He’s such a good boy, Jeffery. He won the spelling bee in 6th grade.”
Now Rogers can be found searching Facebook and other social networking sites such as Twitter in hopes of reconnecting with old friends.
“I’ve been trying to find some of the people I went to grade school and high school with. Sadly, all I found out is that most of them have passed away.” Continue reading »
Los Angeles, CA (ESN) — Prosecutors are considering whether to bring charges against Mel Gibson in connection with a domestic violence investigation, according to district attorney’s spokesman, Sandlord Snailbite.
“We do not know much at this point, but several witnesses have reported seeing Gibson running in his house wearing nothing but face paint, and screaming ‘freedom’ at the top of his lungs, while possibly holding a claymore over his head.”
This is not the first time the famous actor and director has been involved with the law. This June he was taken for questioning regarding alleged involvement in SLL (Scottish Liberation Lads) activities, to which his lawyer had released a statement denying all charges.
The aforementioned statement was put into question by our senior analyst, Dr. Hindsight, who quoted Gibson as saying: “For too long the oppressed highlanders have suffered under YankJew tyranny. Soon we will unite, and reclaim our ancestral homeland of Colorado!” Following which he uttered an ancient Celtic curse, and proceeded to assault a journalist with his bare hands.
“We can only speculate if this latest incident is somehow related to the SLL,” Dr. Hindsight continues “or if it’s just another fit of rage concerning his ex-mistress turned punching-bag Oksana Grigorieva.”
Mel Gibson’s attorney called the latest incident ‘a shameless incursion into the privacy of an all-American road-warrior’.
"It’s no wonder these houses aren’t selling. Just look at that crack right there."
Sales of previously occupied homes plunged last month to the lowest level in 15 years, despite the lowest mortgage rates in decades and bargain prices in many areas.
According to the National Association of Realtors, July home sales fell by more than 27 percent to a seasonally adjusted annual rate of 3.83 million. It was the largest monthly drop on records dating back to 1968, with sharp declines recorded in all regions of the country.
According to annalists, the poor economy, a stagnant 9.5 percent unemployment rate and the expiration of tax credits in April are responsible for the decrease.
Or are they? Some individuals, including contractor extraordinaire Mike Holmes, believe the slump is the direct result of poor house construction and under-qualified, fly-by-night contractors. Continue reading »
I don’t know about all youse pan-handlers but I’m gettin’ pretty sick an tired of all them microgreens. What the hell’s all the get up over ‘em anyways? When I sit down with Lucy, my trusty old mule, ta enjoy me a fine steak or scallop I don’t need no stinking shrubbery all over ‘em. And jest what the hell are they anyways? Looks like godblammit clovers or somethin’. I don’t need no clovers in my supper. Clovers is for leprechauns. I mean, if’n yer gonna put somethin’ on my grub why not make it a nice béchamel? That’s better’n them weeds, ain’t it? Heck, even some spicy aioli would do me jest fine. Anyways, that’s all fer now. Lucy’s braying up something fierce and I gots to go soothe ‘er. Hold on there Lucy, I’m a comin’.
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