I don’t know about you, but I seem to find myself often needing new words to describe every-day bodily anomalies. I mean, yeah, I can just let someone know I took a crap, but sadly that term does not often convey the minute differences between one bowel-shaking toilet experience and another. It’s because of this general lack of specifics that I have concocted a small list of what I perceive should be commonly accepted “potty terms”. If more should come to mind, then I will include them later… heaven only knows we need the content. One a side note, these are a lot funnier if read aloud in a British accent… So here we go: Continue reading »
So, anyone who knows me knows how much I dislike Apple. Once a huge proponent of theirs, I can no longer stomach nor support their corporate extortion. Guys, the color of your iGadget of the week should not be the only choice you have. Regardless of my lack of support for Steve Jobs’ current obsession for obtaining second-hand internal organs, I scoff at everyone’s masturbatory glee over Apple’s latest disappointment and attempted foothold into the feminine hygiene market, the iPad. Continue reading »
First, before I unleash my barrage of slanderous and accusatory shrapnel, I find it fitting to define the word troglodyte. Some of you might think this a pointy-eared, green-skinned, fantasy denizen conjured forth in some abject virgin’s random Dungeons & Dragons group’s masturbatory session. This is far from the truth, however; it’s a real word. Dictionary.com defines troglodyte as a prehistoric cave dweller, a person of degraded, primitive, or brutal character, a person living in seclusion, a person unacquainted with affairs of the world and an animal living underground. This is a thorough and accurate definition and I applaud the inventor of the word for their forethought in creating the perfect term to describe the majority of those I work with… not all, mind you (blessed are the few), but the good majority. Continue reading »
Hmmm, telemarketers—it seems they just won’t leave you alone these day. But you shouldn’t get too stressed over the fact that they always seem to call during dinner, when you’re watching your favorite program, taking a nap or when you’re just about to pick up the phone to call 9-1-1 because your aging grandmother has just fallen down and broken yet another hip. After all, they make your life a living hell, so why not make theirs one? Here’s what I propose: you could simply just make up something silly on the spot like our friend Alan does (check out his calls in our LooseCrap section) or you can take some or all of the following snippets and just rattle them off as the telemarketers are rattling off their spiel. Don’t feel bad about giving these people a hard time. I’m a firm believer in the law of physics that states: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Thus for every line of bullshit a telemarketer spews, you have the right to spew one of your own. If you get to the end of this list, however, and the telemarketer is still on the phone, let me know. He must really want to sell something good. Continue reading »
A wise man once asked me, “Hey, you gonna pass that freakin’ catsup or what?” Catsup, I thought to myself? Surely he doesn’t mean ketchup? Again, the aged pedophile queried, “Hey, idiot, the fucking catsup!” There, he had said it again: catsup. I tore my eyes from him to the bottle of ketchup to my right just slightly out of reach of the old coot’s rapacious grasp. A rather befuddled look then slowly painted his ponderous face slightly akin to that of what Rosie O’Donnell’s stretch pants might make as she attempts to squeeze into them. Continue reading »
Wouldn’t ya know it, but it seems that the articles I seem to slap together at the last minute usually end up being the masses’ favorites. You wouldn’t believe the emails I received for the Are You A Portaguee? article last year. Hell, some of them were even from as far as Portugal and Brazil. Well, since you guys liked that one so much, here’s even more ways to tell if you’re a Portaguee (as before, I didn’t make these up, just passing them along). Continue reading »
Become our close personal friend
We're not as annoying as everyone else