Police reported that someone had fired a gun in the air and then into the crowd; no one was wounded.

“It was all crazy and whatnot,” said attendee Bubba Pickens. “First we’s all having a good time. Then outta nowhere there’s holy water all over the place.”

Investigators said six juveniles were arrested. Their names weren’t released “on account of their ages”. One youth was charged with aggravated assault. Other charges include curfew violations, marijuana possession, carrying a weapon and intent to deflower a sibling.

SIRR scientists stirring some random smelly liquid.

(ESN) — Monday, August 30th, 2010, will be remembered in history as the day the Science Institute of Redundant Research (SIRR) has announced the results of their most prominent researches.

According to the press release, fifty years of meticulous research on a never before seen scale have led to amazing conclusions in the hot fields of ‘depression’, and ‘general pointlessness of life’.

Whereas previously it was speculated that having no reason to get out of bed in the morning made it harder for people to get up, now it is scientifically proven that this is indeed the case.

“No longer would we have to wander aimlessly in the realms of speculation and ignorant, primitive superstition,” says Dr. Plump Buttocks, senior analyst and executive chairman of SIRR, while eating a giant bowl of caviar in his 50 square foot golden jacuzzi.

“This research is a victory for science and reason over the dark oppression of religion and common sense. It was worth every penny of the approximately $88 billion invested in our pock… err, delicate measuring equipment.”

When asked about what the SIRR is doing to promote other topics, such as world hunger, Dr. Buttocks scoffed, explaining that, “There’s no market for that! Destitute people don’t buy anti-depression drugs, so what’s the point?”

But later during the interview, he admitted that there’s some guy in a basement somewhere, starving himself to death in order to prove that ‘hungry people are hungry’.

“It may not have any commercial value, but my son is planning to take a picture of his corpse so he can turn it into yet another lame demotivational meme.”

“I’ve been trying to find some of the people I went to grade school and high school with. Sadly, all I found out is that most of them have passed away.”

Thelma Rogers, 77, has found herself on the one place she never thought she’d be: the Internet. According to Rogers, who turns 78 in two weeks, “I never understood what all the fuss was that my grandkids made over this Book Face. Then my son Jeffery bought me a computer last year for Christmas. He’s such a good boy, Jeffery. He won the spelling bee in 6th grade.”

Now Rogers can be found searching Facebook and other social networking sites such as Twitter in hopes of reconnecting with old friends.

“I’ve been trying to find some of the people I went to grade school and high school with. Sadly, all I found out is that most of them have passed away.”

According to Rogers, the first person she attempted to locate was her old high school sweetheart, Harold Krotch. “I thought I had found him back in February, but it turned out to only be his grandson. Regardless, I tried to get him to add me to his Friends list but all he wanted to know was what color my panties were. How impolite. I’m sure Harry would have had a thing or two to tell the lad if he were alive.”

Sources revealed that Krotch was killed in a freak fishing accident in 2008. “Oh poor Harry,” added Rogers. “He always did love dipping his rod.”

According to recent reports, 47 percent of internet users from 50-64 said they use social media, as did 26 percent of those 65 and older.

But they still have a long way to go to catch up with younger users who — by comparison — use social-networking far more frequently. The reports found that 86 percent of 18 to 29 years-olds use social-networking to find out what color underwear their peers are wearing.

“We do not know much at this point, but several witnesses have reported seeing Gibson running in his house wearing nothing but face paint, and screaming ‘freedom’ at the top of his lungs, while possibly holding a claymore over his head.”

This is not the first time the famous actor and director has been involved with the law. This June he was taken for questioning regarding alleged involvement in SLL (Scottish Liberation Lads) activities, to which his lawyer had released a statement denying all charges.

The aforementioned statement was put into question by our senior analyst, Dr. Hindsight, who quoted Gibson as saying: “For too long the oppressed highlanders have suffered under YankJew tyranny. Soon we will unite, and reclaim our ancestral homeland of Colorado!” Following which he uttered an ancient Celtic curse, and proceeded to assault a journalist with his bare hands.

“We can only speculate if this latest incident is somehow related to the SLL,” Dr. Hindsight continues “or if it’s just another fit of rage concerning his ex-mistress turned punching-bag Oksana Grigorieva.”

Mel Gibson’s attorney called the latest incident ‘a shameless incursion into the privacy of an all-American road-warrior’.

A little history about 7-Eleven. They changed the 11 to Eleven since it just did not look classy enough. The first store got its name from the number of winos who showed up every night to purchase Night Train for 97 cents a bottle. When queried by the daytime manager as to the number of winos who were frequenting the store in the evenings and drinking and urinating on the floor, the reply was “Uh 7 – 11, I am not that sure.” The name stuck as well as the order to clean up all the urine and to order more cheap variations of booze for the evening to nighttime alcoholics! This paved the way for the company’s success: cheap booze and the support of people with drinking problems and small bladders.

Now, how else to capture a bigger evening crowd? Yes! Hot food and munchies. Now they would venture into the realm of the drug addict. The typical pothead smoking experiences an overwhelming need for food. Where to go at 2 A.M.? 7-Eleven to the rescue. There is always one right around the corner from wherever you are. So, you have cornered the market on cheap alcohol, now just stock chips and candies of all kinds. In a brilliant flash a clerk heard a pothead mention, “Dude, if only Taco Bell were opened, I would be hella eating burritos!” and hence the microwave appeared and God said, “Let there be frozen food to buy and nuke and eat and sate the potheads. And God was pleased!” Well, really the president of 7-Eleven.

7-Eleven must hire some of the most talented chemists in the business. They have a food product sold as nachos. The corn chips look normal as well as the cheese sauce. I use the word normal as long as it is VERY hot. Everything that exists in the store has to be so hot that it is likened to molten lava or so cold as to turn a male Eskimo’s testicles blue. Well the nachos were passable and when I returned to work I did not consume them immediately which was an error in judgment. When I tried to eat them, the nacho cheese, which was now room temperature, had reverted to powdered form. INCREDIBLE!

They lead the world in Slurpee technology, which I am addicted to, by the way. On a hot day, I always have a Slurpee monkey on my back pounding on my head and screaming insanely, well that is a persistent problem I experience all the time and why I cannot sleep at night and have a difficult time explaining to people who is actually slinging excrement at them. Slurpees come in a variety of artificial flavors, which sometimes taste exactly alike. It is disheartening to take a sip of cherry and then of a blue concoction only to find they taste the same. They are working on the 128 oz Slurpee as we speak and I am confident that the particle accelerator they have built to achieve this monumental goal will pay off in the end. Super charged Slurpee particles YUM!!!! A breakthrough of sorts occurred recently when during a quantum experiment, a Slurpee existed in 2 places simultaneously for a millisecond. The heads of the company envision a day when they can sell the same one Slurpee to 2 people! Of course one of them is getting screwed when his delectable delight disappears but hey, they are doubling their profits. This is what I call cutting edge Slurpee science.

No one comes anywhere near as close to miniature ice granularity than the Slurpee. Not an Icee, Shaved ice, Slushies; there are many imitators. The perfect Slurpee consistency is like a cloud. You can actually pour a bath tub full and lay in it. Your butt crack will get sticky from the syrup but hey, who cares! Ecstacy! Again scientific superiority!

People believe that the small solid unit behind the counter is the safe and the franchise also lead you to believe this with signs. These are really small thermonuclear reactors. They are needed to keep all the food and the 453 pots of coffee as well as hot chocolate piping hot and ready to go. This works so well that I can buy a large hot chocolate on a 32 degree day and not be able to touch the paper cup, shrouded with a cardboard piece so I am suppose to be able to carry it, untouchable for 54 minutes. I would love to hear the bitch who sued McDonald’s after she dropped a cup of this coffee in her lap! The secret to the heat is that 7-Eleven has figured out nuclear fusion. You essentially have the energy of the sun in each 7-Eleven powering and heating its products. Recently, there was a 25 square block area vaporized in New Jersey. People believed it was a terrorist attack but in reality the clerk on duty named Akbar, could not get enough Big Gulp fluid into the reactor before it went super critical. There is also a rumor that 7-Eleven had captured a Predator and reproduced his wrist explosive. Soon there will be no shoplifting at these stores due to the prismatic armor each clerk will be equipped with.

I truly recommend not eating anything that 7-Eleven is cooking since you have no idea what it is and where it came from. The hot dogs could very well be made from the previous night’s winos who stepped into the store and were lured into the back with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 attached to a string, meeting a grisly death. Yes the hot dog may be tasty due to being marinated, but you think about it.

How can you not love a place on a hot day when you can walk into it and get a 256 oz Big Gulp of Coke for 12 cents? Damn, that is what I call a bargain and a thirst quencher, not to mention uncontrollable shakes and stomach ulcers from drinking so much caffeine and sugar. I suggest moderation when it comes to the Big Gulps, since if you purchase the largest one you have to pay the extra fee to have the forklift drive it to your vehicle, and you will be urinating every 3 minutes for the next 4 days. There is a rumor their scientist have devised an anti-gravity device so that you will be able to purchase a Big Gulp 10,000 oz backpack and have no problem walking out the door, well maybe a little butter will be needed. I always wondered where they kept this never ending supply of fluid. In the back of each store stands more containers with more tubes placed within them; that 25-year-old heroin addict you know has holes in his arms and it is as addictive.

As the motto goes “Thank heaven for 7-Eleven!”. I know I sure do when on Thanksgiving day, with every store closed and green shoe polish is needed, I know I can get it at the closet 7-Eleven which is located in my kitchen’s pantry!

Bugs vs. Bugs... wow.

Okay, so once I heard about this site, I had to see it for myself. It’s fascinating, yet strangely acceptable since it’s… bugs. Here’s the URL: www.japanesebugfights.com.  I feel bad for the bugs at some point, but then I don’t. Judge for yourself. Me, I can’t seem to tear myself away.

"It’s no wonder these houses aren’t selling. Just look at that crack right there."

Sales of previously occupied homes plunged last month to the lowest level in 15 years, despite the lowest mortgage rates in decades and bargain prices in many areas.

According to the National Association of Realtors, July home sales fell by more than 27 percent to a seasonally adjusted annual rate of 3.83 million. It was the largest monthly drop on records dating back to 1968, with sharp declines recorded in all regions of the country.

According to annalists, the poor economy, a stagnant 9.5 percent unemployment rate and the expiration of tax credits in April are responsible for the decrease.

Or are they? Some individuals, including contractor extraordinaire Mike Holmes, believe the slump is the direct result of poor house construction and under-qualified, fly-by-night contractors.

“Just look at this poor craftsmanship,” said Holmes on the set of his HGTV home improvement series Holmes on Homes. “It’s no wonder these houses aren’t selling. Just look at that crack right there. Something’s off. We’re going to have to pull the tile and floor joists and the roof.” According to Holmes, “minimum code just isn’t enough”. He then went on to rant about “vapor barrier”.

Prospective home buyers seem to echo what Holmes is saying, however. Cincinnati resident Martin Silver has put off purchasing a new house in the past year. “Mike’s right,” said Silver. “These new houses are crap. I’m holding off in hopes that Mike and his crew can come fix my current home. Please help me, Mike. My toilets don’t work, my kid has leprosy and a ‘contractor’ just charged me $25,000 to put up a bookshelf that has since fallen over on my cat Mr. Twinky Toes.”

On hearing of Silver’s plight Holmes added, “Do I have to do this all myself? How many more people need to suffer before something’s done?”

Um, yeah. So not much to be said here except, “Oh, those silly Scotts. What will they think up next?” If you’ve ever wanted to drink highly alcoholic beer (55%) from the carcass of a taxidermied rodent, then look no further. I understand it has a fine nutty flavor with just a hint of formaldehyde… Me, I think I’ll stick with Rolling Rock for now.

Here’s Psycho Killer’s article on this fine, furry malted beverage should you care to read it.

So you are now dead and splattered all over the road with multiple cars running over your carcass. In the U.S. the traffic would continue to drive over your body until there is nothing left. You have donned your little angel wings and are floating away to a better place when someone speaks up and says you have no soul and are going nowhere but you flip him off and go on your way.

Fortunately this is NOT the U.S. but SCOTLAND. The land of the haggis eaters and men who wear tartan skirts, the same as little school girls but with no underwear on to prove they LOVE the cold and are real men! Home to the Loch Ness Monster which financially supports an entire region without ever having ever existed! Forget that crazy theory put forth by Al Gore that the Loch Ness Monster was really Jack the Ripper. A magical country with ancient castles and moors, not to be confused with s’mores unless you think swampland is more tasty! David Naughton was attacked and converted into a werewolf here… no that was England but I am sure someone has been eaten alive on the moors in Scotland as well and was found to be delicious! Home to heroes such as Angus Young of AC/DC and William Wallace who laughed at being eviscerated! Damn those Scots are tough. You ever see them compete in contests of strength? Do they throw shot puts? Race or swim in competition? Hell no! “Ey Angus, let os pick oop that tree ovr there and see ho kin throw it farther!” They are a hardy lot. Who would mess with such a man and what the Hell does this have to do with the opening paragraph and why is my underwear too tight? I am getting to it!

This is culminating in a story I read earlier this week about a Scottish brewery named Brewdog Brewery. They were referred to as a renegade brewery. I admit this makes as much sense as an EXTREME brewery so I can only surmise that since they are renegade, they are traitors to the brewing industry and I am sure held to the highest laws of the brewing rules system. Villages of people brandishing torches and pitch forks have gathered in search of this brewery, ready to burn it to the ground and destroy the evil forever along with Dr. Victor Von Frankenstein!

“Dance with me Ginger my love!”

You ask “What evil is that, PK, and why is your underwear so tight?”. Well it is because of this:

You ask “My GOD, What is that squirrel doing wearing a Top Hat and a Tux with a bottle neck and cap protruding from his throat?” Well I can assure you he did not accidentally fall onto it in the shower as many men claim when they arrive at multiple emergency room with various objects embedded in their rear ends. Company members scoured the streets for road kill and had a taxidermist perform their magic at preservation to create the first dead carcass covering for booze. Fortunately they found the body of a dead one that was headed to a costume party dressed as Fred Astaire so he was their number one choice. Unfortunately they did not find the Ginger Rogers’ costume recipient so they could not sell them as a couple frozen forever in a dancing pose. The one they found dress as Truman Capote was not even considered. The initial run of 12 bottles was packaged in seven dead stoats, four squirrels and a rabbit and a partridge in a pear tree. A stoat is an ermine or weasel (My favorite word!) Of course none were as sharply dressed as the squirrels although the rabbit did bear a striking resemblance to the Velveteen Rabbit after it had been on a Meth high for 3 weeks.

The beer they created is 55% alcohol. American beer is 3-6% to give you a comparison. If you really hate kids and wanted to do away with an entire generation, you could purchase this in mass and distribute it to every college in the nation. Within one week, 95% of all students would be dead. Unfortunately only 12 bottles were created and were sold out immediately at 1000 dollars a pop. It is rumored that Leatherface purchased them all.

The beer was named “The End of History” beer. Shouldn’t it be Dead Squirrel Brew or Dead Carcass Brew or “OMG I think I am going to throw up, Beer!”? Somehow when I look at him, a tear wells up in my eye just thinking of Rocky the Flying Squirrel. BASTARDS!

I find there is nothing that will impress a woman more than displaying what true class and intelligence I possess when I pull out my “The End of History” beer for a midnight cap. It really turns the ladies on!

James Watts, the unbalanced mind behind the product, who enjoys pulling the wings off flies and torturing kittens in his spare time was quoted as saying, “In true BrewDog fashion we’ve torn up convention, blurred distinctions and pushed brewing and beer packaging to its absolute limits. Just wait till our next product named ‘Fetal Tissue Alcoholic Fluid’! We purchased 20 dead fetus’ from an abortion clinic and are working on making them resemble Cabbage Patch Kids! This is the beer to end all beers. It’s an audacious blend of eccentricity, artistry and rebellion; changing the general perception of beer, one stuffed animal at a time,” he said. He then pulled his pants down and began masturbating in front of all gathered at the press conference. Definitely an unstable mind. Employees also let it be known that he wets his bed often so authorities are questioning him pertaining to several Serial killings occurring in the general area. Victims were dressed to resemble Br’er Rabbit. Thank GOD for innovators such as this. I think I read about this in Revelations as a sign of the end of times.

I will leave you with one last picture that says it all.