Conceptual photo of Sharpton after 25 year hunger strike.
NEW YORK, NY—Now in its third week, the much unpublicized hunger strike is “going well” reported sources close to the Rev. Al Sharpton who began a hunger strike in jail Tuesday May 29 to publicize the U.S. navy bombing exercises on the Puerto Rican island of Vieques and his arrest protesting them.
“So far he has stuck to his guns,” reported Sanford Rubenstein, Sharpton’s lawyer. “Well, there was an incident with some Twinkies, but he has since refused any food whatsoever.” Rubenstein also added that things were “going as planned”. Continue reading »
KENYA, AFRICA—To the shock of a horrified production staff, contestants of the third Survivor series, Survivor: Africa were quickly gobbled up by a pack of hungry Africans this past Father’s Day.
Brad Turner, a boom operator for the popular show, could do nothing but sit idly by as a band of half-starved African locals attacked and devoured all 16 contestants during their first physical challenge on Sunday June 17. “It was horrible,” stated Turner still visibly shaken. “I couldn’t do anything to help the contestants—we are instructed not to get involved in anything that happens. I’m just glad I managed to captured the detail of the gnawing sounds clearly over the screams.”
Jeff Probst, the host of the highly successful reality show, nearly escaped the cannibalistic escapades saying only, “The tribe has spoken, man. The tribe has spoken.”
When asked why they had attacked and consumed the Survivor contestants, the locals only jumped up and down in unison repeatedly chanting, “Screw the oatmeal, send more tasty Americans!”
TUCKAHOE ACRES, DE—Henry Flimiker of Tuckahoe Acres announced to members of his local church that gnomes have been washing his underwear for the last 12 years but was afraid to tell anyone. “Once a week like magic, I find my underwear in a stack on the bed washed and cleaned and ready to wear. It is a miracle! I love the Gnomes. They never use starch!”
Reverend Paul Menki was rather irritated and was heard to reply “GNOMES? Oh and GOD is incapable of cleaning someone’s underwear? Why could this miracle not be from the father?” as he kicked Flimiker’s ass out the front door of the church and told him never to return.
Flimiker’s wife of 12 years, Henrietta heard of the incident and exclaimed, “I have been scrubbing out the skid marks from the gussets of his underwear for 12 years! Just because I am 3 foot 6, does not make me a gnome!” After speaking with Mrs. Flimiker, this reporter disagrees!
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