First of all let me start by apologizing for our inability to maintain our own web site. Yes, we are a bunch of slackers and we feel really, really bad about letting our readers down… What? No one cared? Oh, well never mind then.
Okay, so as you all remember from our April issue I have this thing with body hair, mainly my own. Personally I can’t stand it and don’t feel it serves any purpose whatsoever. I mean, if you really think about it, people living in extremely cold temperatures (Eskimos) have almost no body hair while those living in the middle of the desert (Arabs) are probably some of the hairiest people on Earth. Now does that make sense to you on any evolutionary scale? I didn’t think so. Continue reading »
HOLLYWOOD—In a press conference held early Tuesday morning, staff members representing R&B artist P Ditty (Sean Combs) announced the artist would be changing his name again shortly. “Starting next week, he’ll be known as ‘Zip Piddy Doo Dah’,” stated Combs’ agent Hank Steinberg.
Combs began his career as Puff Daddy and later became known as Sean “Puffy” Combs. His most recent name, P Ditty, was always meant as a transitional name to the now Zip Piddy Doo Dah. Steinberg added that future possible names were currently being considered. Among these are ‘Poody Doo’, ‘MC Moe Hammer P’ and ‘SP Brillianize Sucka Salt’.
Bush and Anthrax "out by the shed"
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After months of preparation President George W. Bush finally received Anthrax this week at a White House charity event held to raise money for the victims of the recent terrorist attacks. “I am happy to have finally met these young men. Jenna can’t seem to stop talking about them,” the President commented after an impromptu mosh pit nearly destroyed an antique vase donated to the White House collection by President Warren G. Harding. Vice President Dick Cheney was also seen attempting to enter the mosh pit but quickly clutched his chest in discomfort, complaining of pain. Continue reading »
Conspiracy or just too much time on their hands?
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—While other areas of the economy are suffering in these uncertain times, conspiracy theorist nutjobs around the country are enjoying boom times, according to leading economic indicators.
Fed by the manure-like fertilization of panic by the national media, the general populace has proved to be fertile soil for the seeds of wacko conspiracies. One sickeningly implausible claim that has become popular states that California Congressman Gary Condit was the true mastermind behind the recent terrorist attacks of September 11th. Continue reading »
Well, not a weird product, but the company name speaks for itself. This company is probably named after the big boss man with the same last name. What I want to know is why??? Imagine answering the phone here: “Hello, Sacstroker, can I help you?”
NEW YORK, NY—Air traveler Arthur Allen ordered his bowels evacuated recently at New York’s La Guardia airport. While waiting at the airport during a four-hour layover on a trip between his home in San Francisco and London, Allen took advantage of the more spacious terminal bathrooms to defecate, preventing a need to use the small airplane toilet.
“Wow. I really needed that!” Allen said, adjusting his pants as he exited the restroom in Concourse B. He continued, “I’ve been holding back since half-way across the country, but I’m pleased to report that everything went smoothly, and I can continue my journey without fear of needing to crap in a bathroom that is smaller than a telephone booth.”
Airport spokesman Harold Griffin refused to comment on the evacuation, noting only that one member of the janitorial staff working in the area had fallen ill due to some “localized noxious fumes”.
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