NEW YORK—Who cheats more: men or women? The answer may surprise you. It is all them bitches of course!
According to a new poll by “Cosmopolitan” magazine which was comprised of 15 Eskimo men and women living in the Arctic Circle, ladies are the guiltiest party when it comes to messing around on their mates: 59 percent of them have cheated on their man and 34 percent returned Cuisinarts they had received as Christmas and birthday gifts, without receipts.
To be fair, a whopping 55 percent of men have fooled around behind their partners’ backs but only 2 percent in front of their partners, which dispels the myth of superiority of women over men. Other sexy stats…
- 52 percent of men think with the little head but 72 percent of women think with their vaginas which have NO head!
- 30 percent of men and 23 percent of women have had sex with a friend of their girlfriend or boyfriend or pet dog Diablo.
- 71 percent of women and 68 percent of men have lied about past sexual romps with Janet Reno or Strom Thurmon.
- Finally, 67 percent of women and 58 percent of men have made up an excuse to get out of a date due to the itching, flaking, burning of hemorrhoidal tissue!
- 99 percent of women wanted every movie to be just like “Titanic” while 99 percent of men vomited violently.
JERUSALEM—Israeli troops are preparing to pull out of the West Bank towns of Qalqiliya and Tulkarem, military sources said Monday night.
The plans to withdraw from the cities came two days after President Bush urged Israel to start pulling out of the West Bank without delay.
Military sources, who asked not to be identified, told The Associated Press that troops were preparing for a staggered withdraw from the West Bank, beginning with Qalqiliya and Tulkarem. The sources did not say when the pullout would begin, but Israel Radio said it would start early Tuesday.
Secretary of State Colin Powell warned however that pulling out was never 100 percent effective and that the Israelis should, in the future, consider condoms or more reliable forms of contraception.
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—Swedish appliance maker Electrolux is launching the world’s first talking washing machine that tells the user how to get the perfect wash.
“Washy Talky” guides the user through the entire washing process, starting by telling him or her “in a female warm, personal Indian middle class accent,” as the news release says, to “drop detergent, close lid and relax.”
“The concept was developed in India after a consumer poll there showed the Indian consumers wanted such a machine,” Electrolux spokesman Jacob Broberg said.
The washing machine, which is being introduced this month all over India and costs 18,000 rupees ($374), is fluent both in English and Hindi, he said.
A future version in the works will have a male voice and will tell the user, “Bitch! You best have my clothes washed by the time I get home!” and “I know them goddamned soap operas ain’t on. Wash my bowling shirt!’
STRASBOURG, FRANCE—A French court convicted a mother of two of premeditated armed violence after she tried out her new teargas canister on an innocent shopper to see if it worked, police said on Friday.
Disguised in dark glasses and a hat, the unnamed 35-year-old sprayed a woman shopper who had just returned to her car in a supermarket car park.
Unimpressed by the defendant’s plea that she had merely wanted to try out the device, the court in the northeast town of Saverne gave her a four month suspended sentence.
Police also offered to test their newly purchased firearms on the woman but, after much deliberation, the court declined the offer.
BATON ROUGE, LA—A woman in Baton Rouge, Louisiana is suing Nintendo for “unspecified damages” after her 30-year old son died during a marathon session on his N64.
The man first started suffering seizures after buying his N64 in 1999, but he continued playing on the console for anything up to eight hours a day, six days a week, and shooting himself up with massive amounts of heroin and crack smoking and constant sex with unclean, filthy whores.
He played despite the now-standard epilepsy warning which comes with every Nintendo game. This informs players that “some people may have seizures or black outs triggered by light flashes, such as while .. playing video games, or like in the middle of oral sex with the family dog in the dark and he moves and you see the bright light from the TV, even if they have never had a seizure before”.
The warning adds that “anyone who has had a seizure, loss of awareness, loss of pulse, heart suddenly exploding from chest, frozen kangaroo tumor inserted in anus, traveling down a long tunnel to a bright light or other symptom linked to an epileptic condition should consult a doctor before playing a video game”, and ends by suggesting in big capital letters that you should “stop playing immediately” if you experience any of these symptoms while using the console. It’s also hard to see how the woman can seriously expect to sue Nintendo for “her son’s lost future earnings” when he was a thirty year old who spent 48 hours a week sat in front of the TV playing Mario.
Nintendo denies any responsibility for the death, although in a similar case last year (also in Louisiana) a jury decided that the company “did not provide an adequate warning concerning the risk of seizures of the genital region”. Something we know all men engage in 324 times a day. Nintendo also added “After seeing pictures we are highly suspect the 7 gunshots to the head and 32 knife wounds to the body might have had something to do with the death of her son!”
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