Hmmm, telemarketers—it seems they just won’t leave you alone these day. But you shouldn’t get too stressed over the fact that they always seem to call during dinner, when you’re watching your favorite program, taking a nap or when you’re just about to pick up the phone to call 9-1-1 because your aging grandmother has just fallen down and broken yet another hip. After all, they make your life a living hell, so why not make theirs one? Here’s what I propose: you could simply just make up something silly on the spot like our friend Alan does (check out his calls in our LooseCrap section) or you can take some or all of the following snippets and just rattle them off as the telemarketers are rattling off their spiel. Don’t feel bad about giving these people a hard time. I’m a firm believer in the law of physics that states: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Thus for every line of bullshit a telemarketer spews, you have the right to spew one of your own. If you get to the end of this list, however, and the telemarketer is still on the phone, let me know. He must really want to sell something good. Continue reading »
LONDON—A woman who bared all for a nude television game show has complained to police after a picture of her naked appearance on the program was used to smear her campaign for election as a local councilor.
Helen Swain, a 37-year-old naturist, said on Thursday she had protested about a leaflet showing her and four other women revealing all—bar strategically placed black stars—along with host Keith Chegwin in Channel 5′s show “The Naked Jungle”.
Swain, a married mother of three, stood for the Liberal Democrats in last week’s local elections but came third in her contest to become a councilor for Kirklees Council in Yorkshire.
Swain said the unwanted exposure had not put her off politics, although the pictures had put many local men off women for the rest of their lives. Swain added that she intended to stand for election again but showed no concern that many of the local area’s penises would never stand again.
WINSTON-SALEM, N.C.—The Sigma Phi Epsilon Masta Baiters national fraternity has suspended the charter of its Wake Forest University chapter one, verse 3.
This, after charges of abusing a pig were brought by authorities along with a spit and charcoal in front of the ruling body of aged, toothless heathens.
Twenty-three frat members at the school in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, are charged with abusing the animal at a party last month by forcing him to chug 47 cans of Blatz beer and shotgunning endlessly with maui wowie.
The drunk, dehydrated, sunburned and munchie starved pig was found unconscious in a park by a couple walking their dog. They would have performed mouth to mouth recessitation on the pig but said their religion prohibited the tasting of pork
The pig was missing its tail and was unable to stand until a gaggle of passing Geese sight seeing in the area helped him to his feet. A quick thinking Siberian Husky found the tail and put it on ice.
It’s now recuperating at a Ramada Inn with unlimited room service and female pig prostitutes…
TAEJON, SOUTH KOREA—Five-a-side soccer played by pre-programmed, palm-sized, plastic robots on wheels was invented by a South Korean scientist and the country, which has been number one in international competitions for the last four years will host the Robot Soccer World Championship from May 23-29, in the week before the 2002 World Cup kicks off.
The venues will be seven of the 10 cities hosting first-round matches in the human World Cup, with 32 nations participating.
“Robot soccer just hit me after thinking about how to show my studies to the general public who feel distant from science and technology,”inventor Kim Jong-hwan said in an interview.
“Korea, the United States, Germany and Japan are the four strongest teams in robot soccer,”said Kim, a professor in the Korean Advanced Institute of Science and Technology’s (KAIST) electronic engineering department.
Kim also added, “We have even began negotiations with Comedy Central and their Battle Bots franchise to have some of their robots start a riot after the game. After all we wanted to keep this as close to the actual soccer game as possible.”
BAKERSFIELD, CA—A 55-year-old man has pleaded guilty to misdemeanor sexual battery charges after a woman claimed that he offered her carrots with creamed corn and a week old carp for sex, then touched her inappropriately with a 6 month old nuetered Snauzer.
Hare Dhong will serve 20 days in jail wearing just thong underwear and be on probation for the next three years. He also is required to register as a sex offender and travel door to door in his neighborhood informing them of this while he sells delicious helpings of chow mein!
Authorities say Dhong approached his 22-year-old neighbor with the offer last week claiming to be from the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes while she was unloading groceries in the nude.
Mike Tyson says that Lennox Lewis “should have died” during the pair’s press conference scuffle in New York last January “Because I was extemely hungry and I did bite him 14 times!”, and that he plans to finish the job using KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce with the bold taste in the ring when they meet in their world heavyweight title scrap in Memphis on June 8.
In a rambling and barely comprehensible rant, Tyson told the Evening Standard (Hawaii) that Lewis “Shud hab dyed thet dark!”
Tyson explained that if he had been with a different posse like the Texas Rangers, instead of the bunch that “That dressed like TV’s lovable Eurkle”, Lewis might not have survived the encounter.
Tyson is training in Hawaii with sparing partner Don Ho and his latest outburst will surely have some people wondering if the heat has gone to his head as they watched him sing “Tiny Bubbles” incomprehensibly as he beat Don Ho mercilessly. Especially after he claimed that killing Lewis would be an inspiration to people in jail who bend over and grab their ankles for Tyson.
“My main objective in the fight is to be professional but horribly maim him and barbecue his buns with KC Masterpeice and parade around the ring eating his ASS!” Tyson told the Evening Standard.
“Winning the world championship again will mean a great deal to me, but all the FUCKING MONEY will mean even MORE!! HA HA HA. But it will mean a lot to people who are in prison, who don’t really believe in the system but to those that believe in the system like Charles Manson they will remain where they are and contently rot.”
“I don’t care if you are black, white, the Klan, Aryan, a gang member or Barney the Dinosaur, a rock or a dog turd. It will show that you can succeed, that you are not garbage but the sickening residue that is left as it rots.”
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