GODLEY, TX—A Texas man is dead following a drunken dispute over heaven and hell.

Authorities in Godley say the dispute early Sunday followed a night of bar-hopping in nearby Fort Worth. Investigators say four men got into a discussion about who was going to heaven and who was going to hell. One man decided he would find out.

One of the men is said to have put a shotgun in his mouth. Another man who attempted to take the gun away was shot in the chest and died.

Murder charges have been filed against the first man. He’s to be arraigned Monday.

The dead man could not be reached for comment on whether he was in heaven or in hell but one of the other men that night said that he was probably being forced to look at Rosie O’Donnel porn in purgatory.

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NEW YORK—From little ones prone to running off in crowds to big kids hitting the road for the first time, a bunch of new devices claim to help parents keep an “eye” on their children—even when they’re not around.

The most controversial of these gadgets is an under-the-skin personal location device from Applied Digital Solutions. Using Global Positioning Satellite technology, a microchip surgically implanted in the body finds children and notifies parents of their whereabouts.

ADS says the device, which is the size of a wristwatch-face and may become even smaller, could be used to find kidnapped children, locate young kids who wander away from parents and track teens who participate in at-risk behavior and to pulverize would-be rap singers.

Matthew Cossolotto, a company spokesman, says VeriChip ($200 plus $9.95 a month), an under-the-skin, tamperproof method of identifying one person against another, could help prevent kidnappings like the one of Utah teen Elizabeth Smart and has e-mail and instant messaging functions built in.

“The chip would have realized that the intruder did not have permission to take the girl from her home,” said Cossolotto, “and it would have delivered a deadly blow of electricity, making her an unlikely kidnap candidate.”

The company already has several other products currently on the market: VeriChip, Digital Angel and Hojack, a product used by pimps to track their bitches.

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ARTESIAN, NM – An Artesian man was hiding near a bush dressed as a transvestite, trying to scare family members on a nighttime hike, when 3 of the frightened relatives pulled their .44 magnums and shot and wounded him, authorities say.

Felix Unger Garcia, 35, is recovering in a Lummock, Texas, hospital from 18 gunshot wounds to his penis, left testicle and right testicle and thigh, shoulder, left buttock and 12 of the shots into his left big toe, officials said.

The wounds from the 2 a.m. Sunday shooting are not life-threatening since they had not hit a vital organ… well they did hit an organ but it will be out the cast in no time, said Lt. Brittney Spears Snyder of the Eric Chavez County Sheriff’s Department.

The shooting appears to be an accident involving a family that just likes to have fun and carries a buttload of firearms, Snyder laughed.

“The investigation is still ongoing to determine whether any charges will be filed,” he said. “There doesn’t appear to be any intent except maybe probable malice to the large left toe!”

Garcia and some family members were camping on the Paul Bunyan Ranch, about 25 miles west of Artesian along the Vanilla Pensacola River, Snyder said.

“This was their annual trip to go out and fish and kill any small animals that strayed across their paths,” Snyder said.

Some family members were walking along a trail when a group of them beat the others senseless and decided to run away and hide in bushes and scare the others when they came to, he said.

“They ran off and left the others in the dark with no flashlight and no way to see to reload their weapons,” Snyder said. “Alcohol was involved in the incident when it was thrown onto Garcia’s head and set a flame to see in the darkness,” he added.

Garcia was taken to Artesian General Hospital by ambulance, and then airlifted with a variety of livestock Sunday to Lummock.

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DAYTONA BEACH—A 71-year-old woman lived with her husband for up to two weeks after he died, apparently unaware of his death due to the fact that they never spoke to one another, police said. Louis Winkeebean, 52, was found naked in a yoga lotus position on his living room couch in an advanced stage of decomposition and badly needed under arm deodorant, police said. His cause of death is undetermined but could have had something to do with the 32 bullet wounds in his body.

Neighbors complained of the smell and asked Shorty Heinyrider, a roofer working nearby at a gay strip club, to check it out. “When (the wife) opened the door and we asked if we could come in, she said, ‘OK, but my husband is practicing his yoga breathing exercises and has been holding his breath for two weeks so do not disturb him,” Heinyrider said.

The wife, whose name has not been released due to the fact no one bothered to ask what it was, was taken for a medical examination and a delicious new berry shake from Jack in the Box. Foul play is not suspected but there sure as hell was foul smell, but police are considering it a suspicious death due to the 3 1/2 foot medieval long sword thrust through his chest, said police spokeswoman Sonja Wiles.

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ROUENSKI, FRANCE—A wild pig, named Yumabushi, orphaned when hunters killed its mother inducing a panic attack and BBQing her with KC brand barbecue sauce with the BOLD taste has found a new family—with a herd of cows where he is sucking teets happily in northern France as many French seeking sex with animals do. Continue reading »

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