SAUDI ARABIA—A court in the northern Saudi Arabia desert of the greatest and heinous despair has sentenced a Nigerian teenager to six months in jail and 240 false eyelashes for trying to have sex with a dromedary or bactrian camel, which was not determined, Al-Iqtissadiya and The Forty Thieves newspaper reported Sunday.

The Tabuk court, 15 to love, found the 17-year-old boy guilty of “having tried to have sexual relations with a camel after showing it some porn magazines and films to get it in the mood,” the paper said.

The camel’s owner, Ben Ali Von Smidt, told the paper however that the young Nigerian, “got into his farm and had talked dirty” with Josette the camel after seeing multiple episodes of Mr. Ed.

Camels are a firm buttock favorite in the Gulf region, where racing them on formula one race tracks is a popular sport and good racers often earn huge sums to pay for the posterior damage suffered in the races.

“Beauty contests” for the long-lashed beasts are not unheard of and Arab men often invest in sexual blowup replicas as not to harm their true loves.

Saudi Arabia applies a strict code of Islamic Sharia law, which prescribes corporal punishment for many misdemeanors such as too much curry in rice and women making eye contact or doing anything other than creating male offspring, you know all that REALLY important shit.

The kingdom also imposes the death penalty on people found guilty of murder, rape, apostasy, armed robbery, drug trafficking, repeated drug offenses, eating candy without brushing, having independent or creative thoughts and having any resemblance to a real human being.

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BRAZIL—A stray dog has left jail in Brazil disguised a Guinea Pig after serving a year-and-a-half for biting a lorry driver.

Bingo (not his real name, to protect Rex) had been treated like the human prisoners at the police station in the Amazonian town of Maranhao meaning he had to countlessly have oral sex with a prisoner named Pedro who fooled him every time into believing his penis was a delicious Snausages.

He had his own cell and access to scheduled exercise periods, medical treatment and visitors, dog condoms, all the bitches he wanted and comedy tapes of Triumph the Insult dog (His hero!). A judge (After drinking a fifth of tequila) ordered Bingo’s detention for public safety for the attack on the lorry driver which the judge thought was sexual relations with a woman named Lorrie, reports the Jornal de Brasil.

But he has been released on the orders of another female judge after several public protests over his detention and the judge’s need for a dog to perform in her next bestiality film “Bingo! You hit the G SPOT!”.
He had been visited in the cells by people who helped look after him while he was on the streets in the town to help wean him from his heroine and cocaine addictions…

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LIVERMORE, CA—A very insane and distastefully larged thighed man who put a curse on Livermore’s sewer system says he’ll remove it if the city apologizes.

Adam Fortunate Eagle Two Turtle Doves In A Pear Tree Nordwall claims to have placed a curse on the city in the early 1970s because officials allegedly mistreated a totem pole he gave Livermore as a gift by using it as a replacement electrical pole placed outside of a Taco Bell.

When crews installed the 20-foot totem pole, they cut several feet off the bottom and set it in concrete and used ruby red lipstick on the face that resembled Marilyn Monroe.

Nordwall says that modifications desecrated his work of art since the lipstck color should have been pink, and demanded it be restored. City officials refused since red lips aroused them, so Nordwall says he put a curse on the sewer system.

A week later, sewers backed up and Chathulu and the Old Ones came into our universe. Nordwall says it really happened and has video tape but is refusing to release it…

Workers have since restored the pole. But Nordwall says he’ll only lift the curse if the city apologizes and buys him a number six meal, go large, at the local Burger King.

Mayor Marshall Kamena supports the idea saying, “I’d rather not mess with something I don’t understand, like does the hole in my underwear face front or back?”

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BODDAM, ABERDEENSHIRE—Police have launched an appeal after an elderly couple’s garden gnomes were stolen in a midnight raid by a professional ring of night stalking gnome ninjas which have been striking consistently in the same area. “We know they were ninjas because of the black suits and the shurikens they threw at us,” said Jim ‘I have no life’ Wilson.

Elsie and Jim Wilson, from Boddam, Aberdeenshire, neighbors of Bilbo Baggins, woke up to find that their prized gnomes named Ulfguardd and Shera, Princess of Power, a wrought-iron garden bench made from the entrails of mechagodzilla and an anatomically correct three-foot-high cement statue of popular cartoon character Oor Wullie’s Winkie had disappeared.

The pensioners were left shocked by the theft last week and had to be sedated and taken to a nearby mental institution when they became delusional believing themselves to be Mr. and Mrs. Winston Churchill. Mr. Wilson was heard saying as he was being taken away, “WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER…….”

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