To the B, to the U, to the S, to the H!
WASHINGTON, DC–In a bold move to woo a key demographic for the upcoming 2004 election, President George W. Bush announced he was “goin’ gangsta”. During a press conference held Wednesday in the White House, President Bush, now sporting a phat goatee and a retro pair of afro pig tails stated, “Yo, it’s all abouts confrontin’ da situation. It’s all abouts confrontation, representation, unification—with one badass muthafucka ta lead dis here nation.” He added, “It’s all abouts dis here afro-Saxon, it’s all about ma homies, it ain’t about taxin’. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like Iraq or Iran”. Continue reading »
SAN FRANCISCO, CA– A San Francisco man is wrestling with a terrible dilemma: He’s getting ready to throw a party but can’t find anyone to “mud rassle” his girlfriend, the 6 foot 9 inch toothless behemoth known as the “Swamp Critter”. Continue reading »
SANTA CLARITA, CA–A nail in the brain has got to hurt, right? Not to construction worker Jorge “Hammerhead” Hernandez, who accidentally shot himself in the head with a nail gun and didn’t realize it. Hernandez says he didn’t know he had a nail in his head until he saw it in the mirror of his car. Continue reading »
VICTORVILLE, CA–Paul Glover had teased and poked his mother-in-law too many times with an electric cattle-about prod about never receiving a dowry for marrying her 12th daughter who was only 6 at the time. Continue reading »
GRASS VALLEY, CA–The U.S. government (Yes that bunch of intelligent lacking wankers we all love!) is making a sculptor in Grass Valley, California, very teste: they won’t let him trademark his balls.
Jeff “Blue Balls” Tritel makes a line of scrotum-shaped sculptures called “American Brass Balls” that he says are meant to be patriotic (the cocks are painted red white and blue and are purportedly modeled after President George Washington’s penis as seen through his skin tight pants), not pornographic but can still be used to penetrate any orifice on your body and also your pets. Continue reading »
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