Horrorscopes
Aries [March 21 - April 19]: Most people do whatever they can to avoid stress, in any of its many forms. Some folks, on the other hand crave it — even thrive on it. Then there’s you. Get out of that fetal position, take the thumb out of your mouth and try to compose yourself.
Taurus [April 20 - May 20]: You will most likely find yourself in a reflective mood, perhaps thinking about your career path and what came before. It’s a good time to reminisce since that path seems to be ending in a needle-strewn alley.
Gemini [May 21 - June 21]: Though you’ll be tempted to just keep flitting from one conversation to the next, be sure you pay close attention to what your sweetie is trying to tell you. It’s not often the words corn-hole and turkey chili come up in the same sentence.
Cancer [June 22 - July 22]: There’s a good chance that some dark feelings that you and someone close have been blocking out could pop up — and emerge in an extremely volatile way! This doesn’t mean that you should expect things to get worse as the week wears on, but if something does come up when you least expect it, make sure you’re carrying a chainsaw with you at all times… just in case.
Leo [July 23 - August 22]:
Your personality will be magnetic for much of the week and you should have no trouble attracting and retaining customers… and paperclips.
Virgo [August 23 - September 22]:
You’ve never been one to start fights — especially between family members, but you have settled a few. The last one made it into the paper, remember? Yeah, that was really cool… wait, what were we talking about?
Libra [September 23 - October 22]: If your instincts are acting up and you’re not sure who you should trust now, there’s just one thing to do: panic.
Scorpio [October 23 - November 21]: You and your peers are in a good groove and feeling more compatible than ever. It’s a good time to revisit visions and strategies, and try to figure out the next several steps together. You can always go back to backstabbing them all next week.
Sagittarius [November 22 - December 21]: Your favorite technique for helping to solve sizzling confrontations between friends, colleagues or family members is to start out with a little humor. Nine times out of ten, it works like a charm for you. The tenth time, though, there is much blood… much blood. An ill-timed bald joke this week may result in a lost limb.
Capricorn [December 22 - January 19]: If it feels like trouble in Paradise, remember first of all that there’s no such thing as Paradise! In fact, there is only Hell… and Ronald McDonald is the devil. On an even sadder note, your fear of clowns will reach its pinnacle this week.
Aquarius [January 20 - February 18]: If you feel like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, just do what you do best: bitch about it. Then, think about the situation for a bit and turn it around so you switch places with the rock. When that bullshit doesn’t work, bitch some more.
Pisces [February 19 - March 20]:
A conflict so old you can’t remember how it got started may be keeping you separate (emotionally, at least) from a loved one. Since neither of you is willing to admit responsibility, the dispute could start to cause equal parts of amusement and concern in those who know and love you both. After all, that is your purpose in life, right, to amuse those around you with your fallacies and idiosyncrasies? Shit, why not just put the whole event on YouTube. There’s no reason why the rest of the would shouldn’t be privy to your deepest, darkest shame. You know what, shell fucking tickets while you’re at it. And how about pony rides? That’s right, free pony rides for the kids while you an your “sweetie” take to the streets in the bullshit brawl of the century… Just give it a rest, okay? After all, the War of 1812 was over in 1814. Why do you keep picking at that scab, man?
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