May 012017
 

It finally was available for viewing, and by “IT” I mean the Russian, hero-based movie named the “The Guardians”. Please never misconstrue this with the popular Marvel superhero-based group. Viewing this movie is akin to eating meat and potatoes without meat and potatoes; almost all substance seems to be missing.

The premise: A group of mutants, whose creation displays very little imagination, are brought together by an agency to fight an ultimate bad guy who utilizes computer technology 10-20 years in the past (Where the hell did they find a mono monitor and how is it running?). The ultimate bad guy has the power to control and manipulate all machinery. This begs the question I always quip in stories dealing with such phenomenon: how does equipment operate itself if there is NO mechanical mechanisms for it to do so? He dons a muscle-man latex prosthetic suit and growls and glowers constantly so we KNOW he is evil and not just constipated.

This teams consists of four meta humans who were genetically engineered and became so disgruntled, they hid themselves. Apparently, not too well since it takes 19 seconds of film time to locate all four.

The team consists of a male who can transform, in varying degrees, to a bear in horrifically bad CGI. Why not a chipmunk or ferret-man? You wish fierceness? How about a honey badger-man? I kept awaiting for the in joke about if a bear-man shits in the woods… Continue reading »

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BUTTHURT AMERICAN BOYCOTTS EVERYTHING

 Loose Crap  Comments Off on BUTTHURT AMERICAN BOYCOTTS EVERYTHING
Jan 162017
 

In light of recent events, David Langley—a butthurt American—has made it his personal mission to boycott just about everything. Whether in the form of links to fake news sites or political cartoons supposedly pushing some self-righteous, kitsch ideology, Langley’s Facebook page is strewn in vomitous volume with posts regarding his current level of butthurt.

“I’m just absolutely distraught over the actions and attitudes of family and friends. There’s not a free-thinker among them,” said Langley regarding anyone who doesn’t share his point of view. “I’ve made it my mission to post as much garbage as I can in light of that fact. Being a free-thinker means only thinking like me.”

Langley, a 38-year-old self-proclaimed liberal, says he won’t rest until Trump is out of the White House—even if it takes him eight years to get it done. Continue reading »

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STOP THE MADNESS

 nX-crement Files  Comments Off on STOP THE MADNESS
Nov 112016
 

californiaflagimage1Let me get something off my chest and hopefully get people thinking about the nonsense they post when they don’t get their way. Over the past few days I’m sure you’ve seen the posts from all the bitter California Democrats now campaigning to have California secede from the union. Before I begin let me state that I am a registered Democrat but do not support this notion. I think our electoral system works and allows for equal representation of ALL citizens. A popular vote system of government might seem like the sensible way to do things, but if you really think about it, someone running for president would really only need to campaign in a few key states (or metropolitan areas) to win an election. Complete sections of the country would never be represented. Continue reading »

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BEM FEITO!

 nX-crement Files  Comments Off on BEM FEITO!
Nov 092016
 

bemfeitoThere is a fitting Portuguese term that I feel applies to last night’s election. Literally, it translates into “Good Work”. However, that is not what it means. The literal translation fails to capture the true snarkiness and almost karma-esque nature behind the meaning. The term I’m referring to is “Bem Feito.”

For instance, say a child talks back to his parents, then turns around to leave and smacks his head on the door jam: BEM FEITO! Or say someone is playing the fool and is warned to knock it off, then falls and injures herself: BEM FEITO! Or say someone is running for president and rigs the primary, threatens anyone who opposes her, holds back criminal information, abandons those in her care, dismisses a majority of her constituency and is outright dishonest: BEM FEITO!

Before I go on, I want to point out the tallies in several states. I’ll be using R to represent Republican, D for Democrat and I for a third party whether it be Libertarian, Green or something else. I want to focus on the states that voted Republican but were very close.

Continue reading »

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ELON MUSK TO LAUNCH MASSIVE DILDOS INTO SPACE

 Loose Crap  Comments Off on ELON MUSK TO LAUNCH MASSIVE DILDOS INTO SPACE
Sep 282016
 

spacexAt today’s International Astronautical Congress (IAC) in Guadalajara, Mexico, SpaceX (and Tesla, and soon to be SolarCity) CEO Elon Musk announced his plans for building what has been dubbed the Interplanetary Transport System (ITS) consisting of a fleet of massive, flaming dildos.

SpaceX has established itself as a revolutionary aerospace company by making, and successfully demonstrating, reusable orbital class rockets that return to land or oceanic drone ships after penetrating the darkness of space.

However successful its past attempts have been, the Interplanetary Transport System is what SpaceX has been aiming for all along: a transportation system that can take humans to Mars in order to establish a Martian pleasure colony.

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“BIGFOOT WARS”

 Psycho Killer Movie Morsels  Comments Off on “BIGFOOT WARS”
Aug 182016
 

Bigfoot Wars

This title denotes multiple wars occurring, but when we view, only one takes place… if you can call it a war. Field General Grrrgrah (At least that’s the tag on his hairy chest) growls and displays his incisors constantly in a display of displeasure at his troops. They kidnap young nubile human women and then the Bigfeet cover their breasts with mud. He is greatly dismayed and angered as well as I. At least that is what I understood the growling to mean, either that or he was complaining about a one HUGE hang nail.

One Bigfoot bites the dust and I cried at one more incredibly smelly anthropoid meeting its end. The human side in these “WARS” consist of 4 people. C. Thomas Howell (what an apt name for this movie) plays some supposedly tough-ass hillbilly who carried a sledge hammer on his back just in case someone needed a steak tenderized or railroad tie driven.

I must confess that every Bigfoot, and there are quite a few, all look just like Rob Zombie while in makeup. I defy anyone to tell me otherwise. Judd Nelson appears as a doctor simply because he was bored and had nothing else to do. Audrey Fox was cast to display her naked butt, and it is a fine butt, a butt not to be overlooked, a butt to be cast in plaster.

The cast of nobodies run and scream and die, but do we really care? I was downtrodden by the end when Crazed Hillbilly man and the Sheriff bite the dust wielding a sledge hammer and a machete. They didn’t even last as long as a premature ejaculator. If you wish to watch a plethora of Rob Zombies kill a few people, all the while singing, “More Human Than Human,” you have your film. This movie prompted me to set the world record for self-trepanation, but I only achieved 14 holes in my cranium.

— PK

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