Dec 222009

Psycho KillerAnother amazing fact I had become aware of pertaining to California. The list is endless and my fascination with it will always be a fresh and eager wanton feast. I was not aware of the fact that a massive earthquake had struck California years ago and had decimated the tectonic plate along its fault line. We had always been told that California would break off into the ocean and that whatever state now had the coastline would be re-named California II, Electric Boogaloo, without all the non-sense we now possess such as nuns becoming mayors of large cities when it obvious from their five o’clock shadows, they are not nuns at all. Well I could be wrong; I have met women on occasion with beards thicker than mine.

When I reminisce, I grimaced every time I had to kiss my grandmother because I would get razor burn from her stubble but she did have a bitching goatee that the local Hell’s Angels admired greatly. I discovered that the hundreds of windmills that PG&E built along 580 really are not wind mills at all but huge fans. These huge fans blow out towards the ocean and keeps California from floating away. That is why it is imperative that the fans remain in perfect working order. This is also where typical consumers got the oscillating fan, an invention also incorporated into these fans to help hold us in place. And to think I actually worked for PG&E for five LONG years and was completely ignorant of this. Here I just thought I worked for a malicious, money grubbing monopoly!

There is an alternate plan which was created 14 years ago that incorporates super glue to adhere CA back to the continental US land mass. This accumulation has been going on for some time and they estimate another 4 years to get a large enough supply to do the job. That is why the Super Glue we buy is not so super. We are given a product that we are told is Super Glue but really is not. I myself have not been able to accidentally glue my fingers together or to my face in years which I now understand the reason why and I miss the many emergency room visits having doctors concoct new ways to disconnect them. The last time a construction work tried to glue his hard hat to an iron beam and hang from it, he plummeted 10 stories to his death. Personally I believe we should use massive amounts of Bondo and create a lovely new mountain range along the massive crack and maybe even a few immense statues along the way. One should pay homage to prostitution, a misunderstood occupation that I once was a part of when I was a high priced male whore in my 40s. One also to the porn industry for advancing us technologically as well as giving us alternate silly, sexual movie titles that play off of popular current movie titles. One of my favorite porns is of course being “Saving Ryan’s Privates” which kept me in suspense until the orgy scene with 4 German Sheppard. I hate traitors!

Earthquakes happen all the time and one of the greatest tools one can use to tell if an earthquake is just starting to occur is to have a bobble head doll at your disposal. When your Barry Bonds bobble head starts a shaking and there are no steroids in sight, it means take cover. Personally I like to have a naked woman near me just in case. If an earthquake occurs I pull her on top of me and she thinks she is having great sex since for her the earth is moving and since she is on top of me, she protects me from any heavy, falling debris which can cause injury to me. I have been through earthquakes in which I actually have seen the pavement of a parking lot and the road undulating in waves. These are the time I jump on my old surf board and get some use out of it. There is nothing like hanging ten and passing cars on the road at the same time. People claim that animals possess the ability to innately know or predict when an earthquake is going to occur. This is simply not true. People misconstrue animals with nervous bladders as sensing an earthquake when all they are really whining and fidgeting about is having to urinate and being stuck in the house with you because you were a neglectful bastard and did not let them out. I had a friend that did have a parrot that would scream “Earthquake COMING” every once in a while but we never believed him due to the fact he would also claimed he had a penis larger then John Holmes which was not true at all. Parrots are notorious prevaricators. Although he did possess the birth defect of not have any feet and was able to stay perched using only his winky.

Another horrid side note to earthquakes are the possibility of the Tsunami. I really hated that rock band but the 2 Japanese brothers could really shred those flying Vs. I never worry too much about tidal waves. First off many surfers would just ride the wave 20 miles inland and reminisce about it when they are 70 years of age. Number 2 and this is our savior. Tampons and Kotex or feminine napkins (Where that name comes from I will NEVER know). Just how many people have bought feminine napkins mistakenly to use at the dinner table? Just think of the massive amounts of these products that exist. They are sold at stores everywhere. I even received a twelve pack as a bonus from Firestone upon the purchase of 4 new tires. I use them to dry my car off after washing it. Screw ShamWow! Any tidal wave that would hit the coast would be instantly absorbed before it traveled 1 mile inland. Not only that but California would feel refreshed and be able to wear white clothes while playing tennis. It also never hurts to have a wife or female significant other with size double f cup breasts since these make fabulous floatation devices and are almost as fun to lie on as a Comfo Rest bed.

So my friends, you can see we actually can all sleep soundly at night because there are SO many checks and balances when it come to California floating away after a massive earthquake and all the fun that can actually ensue in the after math. Life gets better every day, cars and woman have flotation devices, and Feminine napkins are getting more absorbent. I have even seen a commercial in which a tampon absorbs a gallon of milk which has been spilt upon the floor and a pet cat. So rest easy, kick back and enjoy the shock wave ride.

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