Aug 262010

Psycho KillerThere is an institution in the United States that is as rock solid from its foundation to the lofty apex of its executive power. You can ALWAYS rely upon it being there and being open when you are in desperate need of a food product or even something as odd as shoe strings. That institution is 7-Eleven. You know, that franchise which all its locations are within 267 feet of one another? Starbucks used to have a greater saturation but were eventually banned from existing in people’s bathrooms, so that number has diminished. Starbucks did bring with them the coffee wars which 7-Eleven has stepped up to compete with in a big way. Even all the fast food joints such as McDonald’s (The Scottish fast food eatery) serves specialty coffees along with their breakfast haggis!

A little history about 7-Eleven. They changed the 11 to Eleven since it just did not look classy enough. The first store got its name from the number of winos who showed up every night to purchase Night Train for 97 cents a bottle. When queried by the daytime manager as to the number of winos who were frequenting the store in the evenings and drinking and urinating on the floor, the reply was “Uh 7 – 11, I am not that sure.” The name stuck as well as the order to clean up all the urine and to order more cheap variations of booze for the evening to nighttime alcoholics! This paved the way for the company’s success: cheap booze and the support of people with drinking problems and small bladders.

Now, how else to capture a bigger evening crowd? Yes! Hot food and munchies. Now they would venture into the realm of the drug addict. The typical pothead smoking experiences an overwhelming need for food. Where to go at 2 A.M.? 7-Eleven to the rescue. There is always one right around the corner from wherever you are. So, you have cornered the market on cheap alcohol, now just stock chips and candies of all kinds. In a brilliant flash a clerk heard a pothead mention, “Dude, if only Taco Bell were opened, I would be hella eating burritos!” and hence the microwave appeared and God said, “Let there be frozen food to buy and nuke and eat and sate the potheads. And God was pleased!” Well, really the president of 7-Eleven.

7-Eleven must hire some of the most talented chemists in the business. They have a food product sold as nachos. The corn chips look normal as well as the cheese sauce. I use the word normal as long as it is VERY hot. Everything that exists in the store has to be so hot that it is likened to molten lava or so cold as to turn a male Eskimo’s testicles blue. Well the nachos were passable and when I returned to work I did not consume them immediately which was an error in judgment. When I tried to eat them, the nacho cheese, which was now room temperature, had reverted to powdered form. INCREDIBLE!

They lead the world in Slurpee technology, which I am addicted to, by the way. On a hot day, I always have a Slurpee monkey on my back pounding on my head and screaming insanely, well that is a persistent problem I experience all the time and why I cannot sleep at night and have a difficult time explaining to people who is actually slinging excrement at them. Slurpees come in a variety of artificial flavors, which sometimes taste exactly alike. It is disheartening to take a sip of cherry and then of a blue concoction only to find they taste the same. They are working on the 128 oz Slurpee as we speak and I am confident that the particle accelerator they have built to achieve this monumental goal will pay off in the end. Super charged Slurpee particles YUM!!!! A breakthrough of sorts occurred recently when during a quantum experiment, a Slurpee existed in 2 places simultaneously for a millisecond. The heads of the company envision a day when they can sell the same one Slurpee to 2 people! Of course one of them is getting screwed when his delectable delight disappears but hey, they are doubling their profits. This is what I call cutting edge Slurpee science.

No one comes anywhere near as close to miniature ice granularity than the Slurpee. Not an Icee, Shaved ice, Slushies; there are many imitators. The perfect Slurpee consistency is like a cloud. You can actually pour a bath tub full and lay in it. Your butt crack will get sticky from the syrup but hey, who cares! Ecstacy! Again scientific superiority!

People believe that the small solid unit behind the counter is the safe and the franchise also lead you to believe this with signs. These are really small thermonuclear reactors. They are needed to keep all the food and the 453 pots of coffee as well as hot chocolate piping hot and ready to go. This works so well that I can buy a large hot chocolate on a 32 degree day and not be able to touch the paper cup, shrouded with a cardboard piece so I am suppose to be able to carry it, untouchable for 54 minutes. I would love to hear the bitch who sued McDonald’s after she dropped a cup of this coffee in her lap! The secret to the heat is that 7-Eleven has figured out nuclear fusion. You essentially have the energy of the sun in each 7-Eleven powering and heating its products. Recently, there was a 25 square block area vaporized in New Jersey. People believed it was a terrorist attack but in reality the clerk on duty named Akbar, could not get enough Big Gulp fluid into the reactor before it went super critical. There is also a rumor that 7-Eleven had captured a Predator and reproduced his wrist explosive. Soon there will be no shoplifting at these stores due to the prismatic armor each clerk will be equipped with.

I truly recommend not eating anything that 7-Eleven is cooking since you have no idea what it is and where it came from. The hot dogs could very well be made from the previous night’s winos who stepped into the store and were lured into the back with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 attached to a string, meeting a grisly death. Yes the hot dog may be tasty due to being marinated, but you think about it.

How can you not love a place on a hot day when you can walk into it and get a 256 oz Big Gulp of Coke for 12 cents? Damn, that is what I call a bargain and a thirst quencher, not to mention uncontrollable shakes and stomach ulcers from drinking so much caffeine and sugar. I suggest moderation when it comes to the Big Gulps, since if you purchase the largest one you have to pay the extra fee to have the forklift drive it to your vehicle, and you will be urinating every 3 minutes for the next 4 days. There is a rumor their scientist have devised an anti-gravity device so that you will be able to purchase a Big Gulp 10,000 oz backpack and have no problem walking out the door, well maybe a little butter will be needed. I always wondered where they kept this never ending supply of fluid. In the back of each store stands more containers with more tubes placed within them; that 25-year-old heroin addict you know has holes in his arms and it is as addictive.

As the motto goes “Thank heaven for 7-Eleven!”. I know I sure do when on Thanksgiving day, with every store closed and green shoe polish is needed, I know I can get it at the closet 7-Eleven which is located in my kitchen’s pantry!

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