Hello all you ladies and wanna-be pimps, this is the Luv Doctor coming at you. The suckas at StrangeCrap.com (what the hell kinda name is that) came begging the Doctor for some advice. When I saw that sorry bunch of suckas, I knew they needed more than just some quick advice.
I decided to share my pimpafied advice with all the suckas of the net hood. I get fools coming up to me and saying, “You ain’t no real doctor.” I don’t need no FHD to be the Luv Doctor, you damn fools!! I’m a 10th degree black belt in the art of pimping. As far as pimping goes, I don’t turn out no hoes. When I say I’m a pimp I mean I’m fly with the ladies. I’m gonna share some luv secrets and teach all you suckas the Luv Doctor’s rules. I’m gonna share some stories with you fools abouts my time with the ladies, and my pimpafied wisdom. I’m gonna give you sorry suckas a address to send questions some time soon. Ladies, the advice column ain’t just for the suckas and wanna-be pimps, feel free to ask the Doctor all your luv questions. Maybe one of youse fly ladies will even get a house call. Now sit back and enjoy this tale of pimpatude and ladyingâ€¦.
I was on my way to Candy’s house (one of the Doctor’s many ladies) to take her to dinner. Of course I was rolling in my ’84 caddy. LUV rule #11: always pick up your lady in a sweet ride, even if youse just trolling for hoes. I couldn’t role up to the house cause Candy’s moms don’t like the Doctor, and the last time I rolled up to the house her five corn fed sons gave the Doctor a old school beatin. This time I parked down the street, not because I’m scared of her five brothers, hell, I wooda pimp-slapped those fools last time if I wasn’t so sore from the gym.
After a brisk 14-block jog I came up to Candy’s house. Now, I couldn’t just knock on the door, but then I remembered the movie I saw the other night (one of the Doctor’s rare nights sitting at home alone). This cat threw small-ass rocks at his lady’s window. The Doctor, being such a romantic, had to admit this sounded like a good idea. I snuck around the back to my lady’s window and started looking in the bushes for a small-ass rock. After 20 minutes of searching in the dark, all I came up with was three cat turdsâ€¦
DAMN!!! These fools ain’t gots no rocks in thems yard. Lucky for me Candy’s whacked-ass moms has those stupid-ass lawn gomes in her yard. I snatched me one of those suckas up and threw it at my honey’s window. Them little-ass gomes are heavier than they look! The little fool ended up going through the living room winda. Not ten seconds later those five punk-ass brothers came piling out the house like a damn jailbreak. I was getting ready to slap those fools down when I heard Ginger’s alarm going off (Ginger is the Doctor’s ’84 Caddy). Those punks would just have to wait for their beatin some other night. I took off runnin to my sweet Ginger. Now, them five fools is fast for their size, lucky for them a pig turned down the street. When Johnny Law saws me abouts to beat those five suckas like money-skimming hoes, he stopped and axes what’s going on. I was abouts to do my best Johnny Cochran when Candy’s whacked-ass moms shows up and drops salt on me to the pigâ€¦.DAMN!!!! That bitch gots me locked up, and I hads to dig into the velvet fund to make bail.
Pimp tip: When youse go calling on your lady make sure youse have some small-ass rocks in your pocket.