Jun 232001


The ability of a corporation’s me too mentality never ceases to amaze me. It’s almost as if they just wait for smaller companies to release products just so they can go ahead and copy them all the while trying to dupe the consumer into thinking that their product, like so many others exactly like it, is truly unique… bullshit!

The latest trend seems to be the vast gluttony of energy drinks that have suddenly saturated the market. Needless to say, it can be quite daunting when it comes time to choose a much-needed liquid energy boost. I mean, which do you buy? Is one better than the other? Which is the tastiest and which will bring on the dry heaves? That is why I have taken it upon myself to try as many as I could find and report my experiences here.

So after scouring the local markets and quickie marts in my area I bought a can of the five different brands I found here. Now, I’m sure there are dozens of others available or soon to become available, but these were the only ones I found in my area. Others that I know of, but was unable to find, are 180 and Gigabytes. The following are the ones that I did try. Oh and remember, you shouldn’t drink these if you’re a child, pregnant or sensitive to caffeine. And should also limit your intake to no more than four cans a day (scary, huh?).

1. Red Bull: From what I can remember, and I may be wrong, this is the bad boy that started it all. This little 8.3 fl oz (250 ml) equivalent of liquid orange SweetTarts is, in my opinion, the best tasting of the five. With ingredients such as taurine, caffeine and a slew of vitamins (niacin 100%, vitamin B6 250%, vitamin B12 83% and pantothenic acid 50%) it does the job of keeping me awake on those 1-hour drives to school everyday. Bottom line, this is my favorite to date. Red Bull rules!

2. KMX: This stuff tastes just like orange soda, and it’s that alone that made it come in at number 2. Along with high concentrations of caffeine, KMX also contains ginseng and guarana. Now, I don’t pretend to know what either ginseng or guarana are nor do I care that they are added to the drink. What gets me is that people are so stupid that they’ll buy crap that has ginseng in it, swearing that it’s good for them, and then not even knowing what it is or what, if any, benefits it adds. This just goes to prove that if companies seed the proper buzzwords in consumers’ minds, they can sell anything at the expense of our ignorance. As far as vitamins go, KMX contains niacin (100%), vitamin B6 (100%), vitamin B12 (80%) and pantothenic acid (50%).

Viva the energy drink revolution!

3. SoBe Adrenaline Rush: This one came in a close second to KMX. The flavor is very different to that of the previous two, however. It sort of reminds me of a certain passion fruit soda we Portuguese are so fond of. Either that or the flavor equivalent to those oranges you buy out of season that are dry and bland. It’s not as bad as the oranges though and best of all, it left no aftertaste. As far as ingredients and nutritional value SoBe Adrenaline Rush contains the same as Red Bull with a bunch of other crap (like ginseng) thrown in for good measure: vitamin C (100%), folate (100%), vitamin B6 (300%), vitamin B12 (300%).

4. Whoop Ass: To date, I really like the stuff I’ve tried from the boys at Jones Soda Co. They brew some really good tasting stuff. However, I was shocked when I opened up a can of Whoop Ass (heh, heh, I still love the name) and took a whiff. It smelled just like a big jar of vitamins. And the taste, well it was akin to drinking a can of liquid Flintstone’s chewables (nasty). As far as good stuff goes, an 8.4 fl oz (250 ml) can of Whoop Ass has 310% thiamin, 310% riboflavin, 100% niacin and 260% vitamin B6 (gee, no wonder it tastes like Geritol). It also contains guarana, ginseng (oh, boy) and royal jelly (I don’t even want to know what this is).

5. Hansen’s Energy: This is definitely the worst stuff I’ve tried. Almost no flavor and the bit that I did detect was reminiscent of bland 7-UP and peaches or nectarines (hard to tell). Whatever it was, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach. The ingredients: taurine, two kinds of ginseng (oh, joy), ginko biloba (here’s another of those mystery buzz words), guarana and a healthy dose of caffeine. Vitamin wise it contains 100% vitamin C, 100% vitamin B2, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12 and 100% niacin.

Well, that was my experience with the Energy Revolution. If you want my opinion, stick with the originator, Red Bull. You just can’t go wrong with SweetTarts in a can.

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