Apr 192010

Psycho KillerI heard a person say to another person as I was standing in line at the local pharmacy, staring at my feet wondering how does one really get a size 12 up another’s rectum and then extricate it without having to find a show shine, when the brazen insult “You are so self absorbed!” was heard. I started thinking about what I surmised is supposed to be an insult. Can you only be ½ self absorbed? What percentage of self absorption is acceptable and when are you considered an Amoeba? No, that would not work since you would be absorbing others and growing in mass and would become an amorphous blob. Well at that point you can sign a movie deal for yet another re-make of the grape jelly monster.

Would using Bounty towels make you more self absorbed if you use them? They are known as the quicker picker upper but they also absorb 70% more liquid then the alcoholic that lives in the house next to me. That is IMPRESSIVE. If you absorb yourself do you become more of you or do you look exactly the same? Rush Limbaugh at one time was 300% self absorbed but went on a diet and now only is 1/3 himself. Personally I think he is still the 100% asshole he always was! So the point is, if you are going to absorb someone just absorb yourself until you find out it is really just another strange new sex act introduced to us from Japan, the country that makes consuming vomit an acceptable sex act along with raping dolphins.

I had to look in the mirror to see if I was self absorbed. Much to my dismay I looked like my friend Higgs so I must have absorbed him somewhere along the way. Sorry Higgs! So now that I absorbed Higgs I must find a way to re-absorb me but if there is not much of me left, being self absorbed does nothing to get me back, I am now too much Higgs. So let’s face it, yes being self absorbed is OK! Better then being a stalker chasing the same woman around for 27 years only to find out she is a mannequin. LOSER!

I was then heading to the checkout portion of the pharmacy which of course is in the front. This is after I signed my name as being Percival Titwinkle for my usual purchase of Claritin D. I saw an after Easter sale for 75% off. I only go for solid chocolate. I hate the hollow bunnies since they are not “Self –Absorbed” and whole. You take one bite and they break into pieces. When I eat a chocolate rabbit I want to gnaw its legs off. I do this to teach children how animals escape from traps in the wild. I then show them my missing left little toe and tell them about the miniature pan trap I had become ensnared in. True story, my brother had purchased 2 dozen of them to catch mice. I loving cheese, attempted to kick a minuscule nugget from the trap which slammed shut on my toe. I ended up having to gnaw it off , using catchup off course and escaped having been trapped in it for 2 days. You would think by brother watching TV a scant 3 foot away from me would have heeded my pleas for help but NO he is truly a bastard.

I see a father or I presume he is a father (well he could be a mother but that is just too confusing to get into now) pick a little girl up after she did some cute little girl thing like saying “I will sue you for palimony’ or something like that, say to said little girl “I could eat you up!” At that point I was looking in the shopping cart for BBQ sauce or potatoes and carrots! These days that can be taken in too many ways and I take it in the good old Hannibal Lecter sort of way. These are the times you make sure that the person making the comment does not own a copy of the book “Cooking French People Made Easy.” This was an alternate title researched and written by Julia Child’s cannibalistic sister which was also a Watusi medicine woman after which a TV show was fashioned named “Tasty Little Vittles on the Prairie.” While Julia was teaching women to be fearless when it came to boning a whole chicken, her sister wanted you to be fearless boning a person. Wait did that come out wrong? You know what I mean. For all I know the man took the kid home, fed her a big meal and then made a rump roast. I am not overly fond of kids anyway…

While in line some person was talking about how wonderful the new “Green” movement is. At first I thought she was discussing bowel problems she was having but then realized of course the catch phrase that took the place of the word environmentalism and has ALWAYS been there. People never learn. IT’S NEW!!! WANKER! Of course now that I was perturbed I had to verbally intercede. I offered the knowledge that now we have green funerals. Instead of wasting the body and cremating it your body is placed into a cardboard box and you have a tree planted over you growing over time healthy and happy using you as fertilizer entwining your entire body in network of roots piercing every millimeter of your body. I pulled out my trusty calculator and converted it for them. Putting it into a measurement system they could understand and be mortified by.

I made mention of the fact that serial killers were WAY ahead of the “Green” movement and on the cutting edge of environmentalism. I explained that is why so many of them bury bodies in their yards and gardens. They knew what great fertilizer human bodies were and they are 100% natural when decomposing. No wonder many of them had great looking yards and award winning vegetables! Ed Gein even made table ware such as bowls from skulls and sold them at a fever pace at craft fairs all around the country. Both women just looked at me and then one kicked me in the groin. I was off into the land of chocolate waterfalls and M&M trees when I gained consciousness and found myself in a fetal position with copy of the Weekly World News over my face which proclaimed in large letters “JFK Has Higher Presidential Rating Then Current President and he is DEAD and not President!” Damn I love that newspaper!

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