Apr 252012

Psycho KillerI had a conversation the other day about ants, not to be misconstrued with aunts which can also be quite annoying but rarely crawl up the crack of your ass and mistake it for their ant colony. Well a hole between two mounds can be misleading. I remember a time in 5th grade when I had to do an impromptu speech. Everyone in the class was permitted to write a topic on a piece of paper and place it in a hat. We had to draw a slip from the hat and speak on the topic for 1 minute. I pulled the topic “Bees”. After 5 minutes of talking and at the point at which I was speaking about honey actually being “Bee Poop”, my teacher told me to shut up and sit down. To this day I love watching the bees collect nectar and go back to the hive and poop honey and have the bee keeper open the hive dressed as a giant bee and tell them it is a holiday and steal their honey after they have all flown away. Bees are not very smart and fall for that trick ALL the time along with the old telescope trick.

I remember as a wee lad the only fright I received watching ANY movie or TV show was and episode of the original Outer Limits. It was an episode I still recall named “The Zanti Misfits”. What does this have to do with ants? I am glad you asked. The “Misfits” were large ants with human faces on them done in stop motion. Even now I feel my skin crawl just thinking about them. I must have been 5 or so and I remember crying and screaming and hiding under my bed in the fetal position and then my sister informed me that the Outer Limits was on and I stopped and immediately went to watch it. Little did I know I would involuntarily end up in the same shape within 15 minutes. I avoided that episode like bubonic plague. Little did I know that they utilized one of the misfits in another episode starring Warren Oates. At the end of that episode, it had become another three change of underwear television viewing. I have NEVER reacted to anything in such a way with the exception of seeing Janet Reno on the late show.

I remember as a child, my eldest sister being a real animal activist. We all know ants are insects and technically not an animal but my sister believed all life to be sacred as a kid with the exception of Lawrence Welk. My mother could not understand how the kitchen was assaulted day after day by ants. She would kill the ants and clean everything spotless and they would be back the next day. She finally caught my sister sprinkling sugar on the floor because she did not wish the ant to starve. She should have also put salt down so they could have enjoyed refreshing margaritas as well. Needless to say, Leinigen fought against the tide of ants and won the day. Then my sister invited the mice into the house. The worse of the atrocities were the Dingos’ which proceeded to drag off my little brother and ate him. I loved it when my mother in a thick Australian accent screamed in anguish. “There is not MORE maple syrup in the house!” She really did not care that dingos’ ate her baby or that cows trampled my sister. As long as we had REAL maple syrup in the house, who cared?

I was living with my girlfriend in Milpitas some years back. We were assaulted by ants all the time. They came out of the electrical sockets, up the sink, under the doors. One day I just got pissed at them as I was cleaning the countertop with Cinch. I realized Cinch killed them instantly! WOW, I came to the realization that I cleaned all kinds of house hold items with a product that instantaneously killed ants! Needless to say that product mysteriously disappeared from the store’s shelves never to be seen again. I believe that it was renamed Fabuloso which is sold in Mexico as an energy drink\carpet cleaner.

I remember reading a story of two males that wanted to re-enact a bet between Tommy Lee and Ozzy Ozbourne. Ozzy snorted ants to prove he would snort anything with the exception of what comes out the rear end of s newborn child. Well these two get some ants and they are high as Hell from smoking reefer. Why not just enjoy the reefer one would ask? One brings over a container of ants he had collected and they proceed to snort up the ants through a straw into their sinus cavities. It was amusing to the two pot heads until the fire ants became irritated and began the stinging. Interestingly both died again leading to my firm commitment in Darwinian natural selection. This occurs on a daily basis TOO many times to even count but is a very welcomed occurrence knowing their DNA has reached an end.

I always hated ant farms as a kid. They reminded me of those damned sea monkeys. Kids sent away for them expected bipedal, water creatures with smiles on their faces building homes and having families. If you really think about it, it is creepy. So you get your ant farm and at the top there was a backdrop picture of a barn and a tractor and field of corn and a farm house. Were the ants doing any or using any of these farm implements? Hell no. You want to know how pissed I was to buy 300 pairs of minuscule overalls and not one ant wore them? What a rip off. I expected a corn crop and all I ever saw were gelatinous pellets that looked like poop. The interesting aspect to this is the following: If an adult had explained to me about ants being insects and how they survive and create and maintain a colony, I would have been very interested to have observed them! No, it is inferred they create and run a farm. These kinds of misdirection can really piss off a kid. The only reason I wanted the damn x-ray specs were to look through women’s dresses for Christ’s sake. Those stupid ads in the front and back of comics, I am sure brought many a kid pain. My brother tried to sell packs of seed to a farming community that bought seed in bulk! He tried to sell “Grit” which was a generic newspaper from God only knows. His only successful venture was selling his body to some of the farmers as a sexual toy for their goats. My brother was a LOUSY sales person.

You see someone excited and another person observing will exclaim “He has ants in his pants!” or he could be looking at the latest issue of Playboy! I think you could replace the “ants” with any insect and get the same results. Any insect in your pants will make you wriggle, squirm and jump. Just ask me when I had a bee walk up the pant leg of my shorts into my groin area. An ant would not have made me jump whatsoever but a bee stinger in Mr. Winky? I would be crying every time I thought of it. Let me tell you, you as a male do not know pain until you see a bee casually stroll into the groinal area. You anticipate the string. Now this would make a great torture to get info out of any man. Jar of ants or bees over the groin. You will be telling them you are the President of the USA and are the think tank behind every shit reality show on television within .0012 milliseconds to spare yourself the pain, screw water boarding! It would also depend on the type of ant that was in your pants. Carpenter ants with their huge mandibles could make quick work of your posterior region while Fire ants would make a pin cushion of your ass and hope you survive the venom. I take that back, ANY ants in your pants are just damn right unacceptable!

“When I was five years old, I saw an insect that had been eaten by ants and of which nothing remained except the shell. Through the holes in its anatomy one could see the sky. Every time I wish to attain purity I look at the sky through flesh.” Now you may think this is a quote by Jeffrey Dahmers or Ed Gein but it is really the artist Salvador Dali. Now you see why Dali’s art depicted landscapes where everything included was surrealistically melted. It is a little known fact that within Dali’s wondrous moustache were a colony of ants which kept it looking that way. Unfortunately for him they used the entrance to the ear and nostrils as he slept and moved the majority of the colony into his brain hence his perception of life in art. It’s true! My mom said so! “Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.” Now I like this quote but then I am a sadomasochist! : )

Another interesting aspect with ants or any insect has to do with ANY zombie story ever written. Why are animals affected but never insects? The time lines they seem to ALWAYS show in movies would be curtailed tremendously if zombie ants were present. Slow zombie ants or fast zombie ants you ask? Who cares step on them, use a magnifying glass or squirt them with water, use Cinch on them. You would need a microscope to see their little milky eyes to ascertain if they were a zombie threat, just a thought there for you horror fans to think about. Oh and they stagger a lot too but do not mistake that for the possibility they have been drinking too much hooch. Watch the movie Phase IV for little ant terror.

Here thinking about you as you eat that average of 4 spiders as you pleasantly slumber this year!

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