Feb 282001

HOUSTON, TX—Carl Roper, 46, reported on Thursday, while wandering the power tool section at the local Home Depot, that his ass felt “itchy”. “Man, I don’t know what happened. One minute I’m looking at this 24-volt cordless Makita power drill and the next I’m writhing around in discomfort as my crack begins to itch me like wool draws at Christmas.” Roper was reported to have tried dealing with the situation in a “civilized manner”, but after a few futile minutes he resulted to more drastic measures.

“I jest couldn’t take it no more,” continued Roper. “That’s when I says the heck with it and stick my hand down the back of my pants and commenced ta scartchin’. That did the trick.” Other shoppers immediately shielded their eyes at the sight. “It was the queerest thing I’ve ever seen,” reported one woman. “He had a power drill in one hand and his other hand down the back of his jeans, all scratchin’ and writhin’. I must say, I’d expect that sort of thing at K-Mart, but not here.” She then paused, cocking her head to one side. “By the way, dear. You wouldn’t happen to know what aisle the mini-blinds are located, would you?”

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