May 292003

SANTA CLARITA, CA–A nail in the brain has got to hurt, right? Not to construction worker Jorge “Hammerhead” Hernandez, who accidentally shot himself in the head with a nail gun and didn’t realize it. Hernandez says he didn’t know he had a nail in his head until he saw it in the mirror of his car.

“At first I thought it was one of my homies sitting in the back seat that had a nail in his head, then I thought, hey man nobody is riding with me! It was my head, essay!” The nail apparently ricocheted off a piece of metal, bounced off an I-beam and passed through the rectum and out the beak of a passing carrier pigeon, at which point was identified as an object of a terrorist attack by President Bush, went through Hernandez’s eye socket and lodged in his brain. He stated his face felt hot but according to Hernandez, “that happens all the time when I put my head in the oven at home. But I didn’t even have a headache”.

It took doctors three hours to remove the more than three-inch long spike and an additional hour to remove the coke bottle lodged in his rectum. Somehow, the nail managed to miss his eye and not cause any brain damage, “although with Jorge brain damage would be impossible to detect,” added wife Catalina. Hernandez’s brain surgeon feels that kind of luck is better than winning the lottery. “But then that fuck makes 1 million a year!” quipped Hernandez as he grabbed his arm and exclaimed, “My ass hurts!”

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