Psycho Killer

May 012017
 

It finally was available for viewing, and by “IT” I mean the Russian, hero-based movie named the “The Guardians”. Please never misconstrue this with the popular Marvel superhero-based group. Viewing this movie is akin to eating meat and potatoes without meat and potatoes; almost all substance seems to be missing.

The premise: A group of mutants, whose creation displays very little imagination, are brought together by an agency to fight an ultimate bad guy who utilizes computer technology 10-20 years in the past (Where the hell did they find a mono monitor and how is it running?). The ultimate bad guy has the power to control and manipulate all machinery. This begs the question I always quip in stories dealing with such phenomenon: how does equipment operate itself if there is NO mechanical mechanisms for it to do so? He dons a muscle-man latex prosthetic suit and growls and glowers constantly so we KNOW he is evil and not just constipated.

This teams consists of four meta humans who were genetically engineered and became so disgruntled, they hid themselves. Apparently, not too well since it takes 19 seconds of film time to locate all four.

The team consists of a male who can transform, in varying degrees, to a bear in horrifically bad CGI. Why not a chipmunk or ferret-man? You wish fierceness? How about a honey badger-man? I kept awaiting for the in joke about if a bear-man shits in the woods… Continue reading »

“BIGFOOT WARS”

 Psycho Killer Movie Morsels  Comments Off on “BIGFOOT WARS”
Aug 182016
 

Bigfoot Wars

This title denotes multiple wars occurring, but when we view, only one takes place… if you can call it a war. Field General Grrrgrah (At least that’s the tag on his hairy chest) growls and displays his incisors constantly in a display of displeasure at his troops. They kidnap young nubile human women and then the Bigfeet cover their breasts with mud. He is greatly dismayed and angered as well as I. At least that is what I understood the growling to mean, either that or he was complaining about a one HUGE hang nail.

One Bigfoot bites the dust and I cried at one more incredibly smelly anthropoid meeting its end. The human side in these “WARS” consist of 4 people. C. Thomas Howell (what an apt name for this movie) plays some supposedly tough-ass hillbilly who carried a sledge hammer on his back just in case someone needed a steak tenderized or railroad tie driven.

I must confess that every Bigfoot, and there are quite a few, all look just like Rob Zombie while in makeup. I defy anyone to tell me otherwise. Judd Nelson appears as a doctor simply because he was bored and had nothing else to do. Audrey Fox was cast to display her naked butt, and it is a fine butt, a butt not to be overlooked, a butt to be cast in plaster.

The cast of nobodies run and scream and die, but do we really care? I was downtrodden by the end when Crazed Hillbilly man and the Sheriff bite the dust wielding a sledge hammer and a machete. They didn’t even last as long as a premature ejaculator. If you wish to watch a plethora of Rob Zombies kill a few people, all the while singing, “More Human Than Human,” you have your film. This movie prompted me to set the world record for self-trepanation, but I only achieved 14 holes in my cranium.

— PK

Jedi

 Psycho Babble  Comments Off on Jedi
May 182012
 

Psycho KillerPeople love certain fantastical realms in our otherwise mundane (BWA HA HA, life is ANYTHING but mundane!) world. They become obsessed with Star Wars and create an elaborate history of, say, the Jedi Knights. Do a search in Wikipedia on Jedi Knights. You will find hundreds of pages pertaining to something that does not exist. I am sure there are thousands (or frightfully too many to count) of people in their homes at night wearing their Jedi garb and waving their hands in front of their child at the dinner table saying, “This is the meal you were expecting! Not a frozen microwaved meal!”.

The children are looking at each other in anger and in unison toss their frozen meals at pop and yell, “Try and make those levitate, FREAK!”

Father, covered in spaghetti, says to himself, “EVIL SITH!!” Continue reading »

Baby

 Psycho Babble  Comments Off on Baby
May 172012
 

Psycho KillerI was reading a book last night and in it was the old nursery rhyme “Rock-a-bye Baby”. I always thought “What a horrible thing to say to a baby unless of course you are Hannibal Lecter and are grinning and salivating as you are repeating it! Aww, sauteed baby butt with portabella mushrooms and a nice Chianta, SLURP SLURP!” . As you get older you realize that mom and dad were traumatizing you as a baby, and later in life you will wonder why seeing tree boughs blowing in the wind promote a panic attack and you do not know why! I always wanted to ask my mom, “How high up in the tree was my cradle? Three or four stories? No wonder I have acrophobia!” Mom always replied that cradles were very sturdy and difficult to obtain but babies were a dime a dozen! Mom was always a kidder! Continue reading »

Bird

 Psycho Babble  Comments Off on Bird
May 162012
 

Psycho KillerYou may recall when I lived in San Jose that I had a bird return every year to a small conifer in front of my place as the slugs to Capistrano. He would eventually drive me insane since he would start singing at 4 AM and I never could figure out how he was not eaten by night-hunting carnivores. I was sure he would be eliminated from the gene pool but never was. He was my bane and I had to start wearing ear plugs to sleep and would dream of catching him and eating squab!

Last night I was watching a movie name “The Locals” and during some dialogue I start hearing a sharp bird chirp. I knew it was not coming from the movie so I turned down the volume and was hearing the chirp outside my window. Why did’t the cat or raccoon with red eyes handle this? I slammed the shutter and the chirping stopped. I thought maybe the bird had flown off. I resumed my movie and the chirping started again. I got up and slammed the shutters again. Silence. So what happens when I start viewing the movie again? Chirping! Is this going to go on all night? Continue reading »

Mad

 Psycho Babble  Comments Off on Mad
May 152012
 

Psycho KillerIt is a widely held misconception that a person can easily read the body language of another human and with accuracy know what they are thinking. On the contrary, it all falls into an average, which is quite low for anyone’s ability to correlate body language and thought. This average increases somewhat IF you know a person extremely well. Never assume you know what a person is thinking by perceived body language. With that said let me relate a story from yesterday.

My lead is the poster boy for anger management. He screams constantly, breaks equipment, slams doors, brings down ceiling tiles, puts fists through walls, you know, just your typical happy-go-lucky kind of guy! We love him. After the episode of him destroying a printer, I now do NOT like having my back turned to him. I really do not want to be beaten over the head with a monitor in a Tom and Jerry fashion when he gets upset that someone pointed out he is human. I, myself, doubt this at times and believe he was wholly constructed from the parts of lesser angry people. He is a super angry person. As he sleeps at night I can just hear him mumbling “@^#%$ kill YOU! *$^^%$ WALL! %@$#& burrito! %$#^ fuzzy cute bunny! I am sure his wife is cowering in the corner with a comforter pulled over her head hoping he does not wake up during the dream in which he is abusing small, adorable rodents! Continue reading »