Staff Writer

Sep 212017
 

South Carolina  –  On Monday, area man, David Gilmore set up a GoFundMe account to help find relief from the onslaught of recent GoFundMe campaigns benefitting victims of this or that hurricane and/or earthquake.

“At first, I just wanted to help,” said Gilmore. “But then it got out of control.”

When asked exactly how it got “out of control”, Gilmore replied, “Well, first was a hurricane in Mexico, then an earthquake, then Irma, then another earthquake and now, another hurricane. To top it off, my buddy Brittney from Georgia started a GoFundMe after her dog Skippy was killed by a tiger . . . a flippin’ tiger! It’s crazy! It’s like someone’s playing Jumanji somewhere. Frankly, I can’t keep up.”

Gilmore noted that he pledged considerable sums to each of the aforementioned GoFundMe campaigns, and has now found himself in a dire financial situation.

“Yeah, I’m tapped out, man,” added Gilmore. “I thought, now who’s gonna help me? So I started my own GoFundMe campaign to help me get back on my feet after all those other GoFundME campaigns.”

To date, Gilmore’s campaign has raised $50, mostly from his mother.

BUTTHURT AMERICAN BOYCOTTS EVERYTHING

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Jan 162017
 

In light of recent events, David Langley—a butthurt American—has made it his personal mission to boycott just about everything. Whether in the form of links to fake news sites or political cartoons supposedly pushing some self-righteous, kitsch ideology, Langley’s Facebook page is strewn in vomitous volume with posts regarding his current level of butthurt.

“I’m just absolutely distraught over the actions and attitudes of family and friends. There’s not a free-thinker among them,” said Langley regarding anyone who doesn’t share his point of view. “I’ve made it my mission to post as much garbage as I can in light of that fact. Being a free-thinker means only thinking like me.”

Langley, a 38-year-old self-proclaimed liberal, says he won’t rest until Trump is out of the White House—even if it takes him eight years to get it done. Continue reading »

ELON MUSK TO LAUNCH MASSIVE DILDOS INTO SPACE

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Sep 282016
 

spacexAt today’s International Astronautical Congress (IAC) in Guadalajara, Mexico, SpaceX (and Tesla, and soon to be SolarCity) CEO Elon Musk announced his plans for building what has been dubbed the Interplanetary Transport System (ITS) consisting of a fleet of massive, flaming dildos.

SpaceX has established itself as a revolutionary aerospace company by making, and successfully demonstrating, reusable orbital class rockets that return to land or oceanic drone ships after penetrating the darkness of space.

However successful its past attempts have been, the Interplanetary Transport System is what SpaceX has been aiming for all along: a transportation system that can take humans to Mars in order to establish a Martian pleasure colony.

SESAME STREET MOVING TO HBO

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Jul 292016
 

Sesame Street moving to HBO

For those not already in the know, Sesame Street and its cast of characters, have found a new home on HBO.

This follows a decision last August where the series signed a five-year deal with HBO after struggling financially over the last three fiscal years. It has operated at a loss for some time now—loosing $21.7 million—as the money from donations, distribution fees, and—most crucially—licensing for merchandise dropped.

For the first time in its nearly 50 years on the air, Sesame Street will air new episodes—its 46th season—exclusively on the cable giant. PBS viewers will then get those episodes nine months later. Reruns will continue to air on PBS in the interim.

Executives at HBO are excited over the new acquisition. “At HBO, we are all fans of the series and couldn’t imagine Sesame Street not continuing on PBS,” Michael Lombardo, HBO president of programming, wrote via email. “We are proud to play this role in allowing it to continue on public television while at the same time seeing great value in adding an iconic series and an extensive library to HBO’s lineup.”

He added, “And we’ll finally be able to give everyone that Bert and Ernie sex scene they’ve been clamoring for.”

So what will be new? Episodes will only be 30 minutes long, for one, instead of the usual hour. This decision was made before the new partnership came about.

“It was a tough call to shorten the episodes,” said staffer Gail McClintock. “We had to reevaluate what we’re focusing on. For instance, we’ve decided to no longer even talk about letters like X, Q and Z. And we’ve axed the number 16. No one cares about 16.”

BREAKING NEWS! Trump finds Pokémon in hair.

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Jul 122016
 

Psycho KillerIn a press conference today, presidential nominee Donald Trump reported that he had found a Pokémon in his hair after installing and playing the new Pokémon GO game.

“This is absolutely crazy!” said Trump. “This is exactly the type of thing we can expect from the Liberal agenda. Once I’m president, I’m gonna wrangle all these Pokémon up and send them back to . . . Pokéland . . . or wherever the hell they come from!”

Pokémon GO, a new mobile game from developer Niantic, uses real locations to encourage players to search far and wide in the real world to discover Pokémon. Pokémon GO allows players to find and catch more than a hundred species of Pokémon as they explore their surroundings.

“All this crazy, has got to stop,” added Trump. “These computer nerds need to be held accountable. They’re creating a bunch of mall-walking mutant lemmings with this crap. This problem is real and it needs to end now. And I’m the guy who’s going to put an end to it . . . just as soon as I find an Onix.”

Recent Study Shows Recent Studies Destroying Fabric of Society

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Sep 252015
 

A team of researchers from University College London, the London School of Studies and the London School of Something Else revealed that recent studies are ruining the very fabric of society.

Researchers claim that “all of these studies are simply just walking all over each other and eventually don’t mean squat.” In fact, the same researchers pointed out that 98% of statistics are prone to bias or just purely “made up”.

“I’ve conducted many recent studies in my career,” said Dr. George Stoufis from the UCL Institute of Meaningless Digits. “And this one is not much different. In fact, I expect my colleagues to release a future recent study completely negating this current recent study with some equally questionable hypotheses and randomly generated statistics. I’m already researching a new recent study to negate theirs.”

Dr. Stoufis added, “According to this recent study, we documented a direct correlation between the steady deterioration of society and the number of published recent studies. Our numbers show that the more recent studies were conducted, the more society went to crap.”

“We experienced similar results,” added researcher Dr. Stephanie Sanders. “Our recent study show that Dr. Stoufis’ recent study was 94% accurate in 85% of the incidents of societal crapification, but we only experienced a 75% crapification effect in comparison to the UCL’s 78% measured crapification.”

“Previous research has also shown that societal crapification experienced an initial decline after a recent study that measured the effects of a complete cessation of recent studies over a year’s time,” said Dr. Stoufis. “However, we found in another recent study that in the long-term, societal crapification tended to revert to its pre-cessation study status. We suspect that 35% of this reversal is due directly to Facebook and subsequent posts on current recent studies.”

A number of past recent studies claimed that societal crapification remained steady at a rate of 12%. But the latest recent study findings stand contrary to previous findings. The UCL team claims that the correlation between recent studies and the degradation of societal fabric is directly relational.

“Clearly, we’re causing this,” said Dr. Stoufis. “But further studies will need to be done to verify.”