Jun 212011

Psycho KillerYou know you have seen it. You KNOW you have experienced it! You know it has made the oceans turn red as blood and has made your teeth gnash, well maybe not to the Biblical proportions I refer to but it is just damn irritating. That of which I speak is Bad Parenting 101. Not a day goes by without my experiencing it.

Yesterday I went to a Sweet Tomatoes with a friend to eat late in the day before we caught a movie. In a short period of time the amount of incidents involving munchkins was overwhelming. Before I had a chance to even choose a bread product, a woman in close proximity to me screamed like a banshee causing 3 people to lose bladder and bowel control. 1 person forgot they were in the United States and another started screaming in Mandarin. Amazingly, he was French and did not know how to speak a word of Mandarin! Unfortunately, he said to two Chinese gentlemen sitting next to him that, “His testicles needed punishing” and they obliged!

Two of her tikes dragged a chair over to the yogurt maker and climbed up onto the dispenser. One was pulling the dispenser’s handle while the other was under it, mouth agape, gorging on chocolate yogurt! These two have a future as college dropouts due to draining keggers at nightly parties. I mean, this woman really screamed. It caught the attention of the entire restaurant. The ensuing involuntary movement in chairs from the scream caused a 3.4 earthquake which was reported on the News with epicenter being table 12 near the fruit display. How did this happen? How did she lose track of her kids?

I had just taken a seat to enjoy my tasty cuisine when I spied a baby a few tables over. Was anyone watching him? No, he was crawling about on the carpet with no one even paying attention. Now, the first thing that crossed my mind related to the number of people who have traversed this establishment everyday for years. Imagine the particulate matter that is transferred from their footwear to the carpet. Image that Norm and Ingmar the sewage workers, come in once a week to eat. Imagine what comes in and is transferred to the carpet, not to mention the gentleman that stepped in dog excrement outside as we were coming in and made a vain attempt to wipe it off his shoe. Here is baby Belial, the Anti-Christ, crawling under the table, picking anything up he finds and is placing it along with his maws into his mouth. I was mortified! The cornbread just was not as tasty as it usually was. Well, back to the kid. So, I am sure later when little Belial’s head begins to do 360s and they could use him to fertilize their garden, they are scratching their heads and wondering why he is so ill? I think it could have been the ant colony he discovered and ingested. Clueless!

One of my personal favorite parental faux pas when it comes to parenting is the “I will help my little Billy attempt to serve himself.” Now this I can understand but not in a situation where the child cannot even reach the counter. They slow the people waiting in line to such a point someone always commits suicide by drowning in the Blue Cheese dressing. Here is the set up. A woman has her child between her and the soup bar. She is leaning over him in a vain attempt to procure a ladle of soup to place into a bowl as little Billy is squirming and jumping trying to grab hold of the end of the counter. This does not end well as Mother is in an awkward position and Billy slams into her hand and spills hot split pea and barley soup onto himself. A scream is heard, a pedophile springs from his seat, covers the boy with shredded cheddar cheese and licks him clean. Thank God someone knew just what to do in that situation. I would never have thought to take such action unless an amply endowed adult female and strawberries were involved. And people think that sex offenders do not have their place in society!

Next on the list is the “Pack” or “Herd” of unsupervised children. I have a tray full of food as I meander, navigating carefully back to my table when much to my chagrin I am met head on by four munchkins wandering aimlessly, not looking where they are going with coloring paper and crayons in hand. I am able to deftly dodge 3 of them but the forth walks under my tray and headfirst into my genitals. I see a bright light and feel ill suddenly. I hear a small dwarf woman calling me back from the light or does she say something about camels? I am not too sure. I am now sick to my stomach as I stand there seriously thinking about vomiting. A woman runs up to me and berates me by saying angrily, “How DARE you run into my child’s head with your privates!” I figured then was as good a time to puke as any so I did so all over her. She grabbed her child and ran to the bathroom. Fortunately I had been taught the etiquette of the rich and famous and acted in 1 of the 3 proper manners. The other two involve a chainsaw and a pen of ravenous pigs being televised as a pay per view event. As much as I like swine, none were available even though everyone knows I always carry a small, gasoline chainsaw in the trunk of my car. I ALWAYS believe in proper etiquette!

My last encounter of the day came at the theater. We had gone to see the movie “Priest”. Unfortunately, I wished the onscreen character, which was such a badass nothing could stop him, was in the theater. There were only 2 other people in the theater until we started to hear a high pitch cry which we both mistook for the vampires onscreen. If only it were vampires at least we could have staked it or something. I kept turning around eyeing the couple, and every time I looked they were trying to placate the baby by doing something different. At one point Dani mentioned to me that she had brought an exorcism ritual she could try to perform. We both were standing and yelling in unison, “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” She also produced 2 vials of holy water from her purse and which point we began dousing them. We used her eye liner pencil to draw crosses from our foreheads to the tips of our noses. They screamed and began to smoke, then grabbed the baby and vanished. We then proceeded to sit down and watch the rest of the movie. I did not know Dani was such a badass. I will never again fear vampire attacks when I am near her! Makes me wonder what else she carries in that bag.

This will inevitably lead into my writing about parent of the year awards which on any given day are endless. When people tell me times have changed I realize they are right. There is no one with guts enough to kick a kid’s ass and make them act like a human being anymore.

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