DES MOINES, IAâ€”Spoiled baby billionaire Don Steiner, fired Norm Tilsen, the head coach of his Iowa Barnstormers on Monday after his team gave up a field goal late in the 4th quarter of a 49-3 season-opening victory over the Roanoke Steam. Steiner had bought the team from a little old widow for two thousand dollars worth of crocheting yarn.
“Let me tell ya,” whined Steiner. “I paid over seven hundred dollars for the high-priced free agents to stock this team, and then that idiot Tilsen just gives up a field goal? Outrageous!” Steiner reportedly was on the verge of firing Tilsen after the team gave up a first down in the second quarter.
Despite racking up over six hundred yards of offense, including 250 yards rushing and 5 passing touchdowns, the defense’s shocking lack of leadership became evident when the opposing team was able to drive down the field. Tilsen reportedly commented that the Barnstormers’ defense didn’t need to “try to cripple” the Steam’s third-string quarterback in the last few minutes.
It was that shocking display of good sportsmanship that led directly to a freak forty-yard gain, which led to a shutout-ruining, yet completely meaningless, field goal with eight seconds remaining.
Anonymous sources from Steiner’s luxury box reported that Steiner began throwing bottles of pretentious imported beer as the kick went through the uprights. His rampage continued as he destroyed two of his four satellite phones, his diamond-encrusted Rolex watch, and several plates of Beluga caviar.
“It’s all about shutouts,” the insipid Steiner said. “We assembled the best team we could put together. At this point we just really needed to make a change, driven with what I call some serious leadership, rather than the panty-waisting Tilsen was up to.”
When asked for comment, Tilsen simply replied, “Well, that’s what you get for working for a spoiled, whining, little toad who stole every penny he ever earned, yet demands total perfection from employees he doesn’t empower to make any independent decisions.”