Nov 092011

Psycho KillerOn Saturday evening I was to meet a friend of mine for dinner (Really a prostitute but I can imagine a REAL friend). It was raining at the time and in spurts was a deluge. As I approached the off ramp I was to take, all automobiles were being diverted into the far left lane. This slowed down progress considerably. There were multiple fire engines, ambulances and other emergency vehicles. I was amazed, all this for a single vehicle accident. It was a Chevy Suburbanator. You know the vehicles that are so long that they take the place of people homes? They take up four parking spaces at any mall. As they park they are concurrently in two different time zones? I know people buy these huge gas guzzlers because they are safer but in this instance it looked like a M.A.S.H. triage going on since there were 142 people from the vehicle strewn along the freeway. Amazingly it was the size of the fire engines on sight. The insurance alone on one of those beasts must be enormous. I believe their gas tanks hold 423 gallons of gas, enough to get you about 243 miles per tank. You could theoretically attach a blade to the front of one and it could be a Snow Plow, although if you think about it, Plow is not the proper word to utilize. How about Snow Push or Snow Placer? Anyway, people that need to buy and purchase such creatures need glial cell transplant or a little frontal lobe procedure.

I have known COUNTLESS people that purchase 4WD or ATVs and have NEVER, EVER used them in 4WD. They drive around the city and drop and pick up the kids and go groceries shopping. I guess you just never can tell when you will need to plow through the front of store to have the bag boy place the groceries into your factory of a vehicle. What if it floods? Well you will be safe on the roof which is 2 stories off the ground and it can be technically called an island if you plant some trees. If computers ever gain sentiency, then the Chevy Suburbanator will become the largest creature to ever exist supplanting the Blue Whale from the position. The one I witnessed could not be towed from the sight due to its enormous size. They were going to send out a crew the next day to paint and plant flowers and open it up as an annex to the mall. Starbucks is moving in shortly.

On one hand I can understand the draw to one of these. You place your kid in the back seat and from where you are sitting, you cannot hear them or see them unless you use the special 100X magnifying rear view mirror function. I knew one guy who used his as a Frat House at Berkeley and made a fortune renting out rooms. I have known people that have lost their dates never to be seen again. The reason most men buy them is due to the fact it is a psychological representation of their penises. That is some REALLY demented thought pattern. The same can be said for women who wish it to represent their vaginas but when you think about it, you really do not wish to give the appearance that your vagina is SO huge the Grand Canyon looks like a ditch. Let us just say please come up with a really legitimate reason why you need a vehicle this big like I need to haul the entire roster of the Cleveland Indians to Chicago so they can play the White Sox. Hell place 4-6 pontoons onto one and use it as a cruise ship.

Another danger of said vehicles has to do if you are less than 7 foot in height. You cannot be seen by a driver if you are not over 7 foot tall. When backing out of spaces with the Suburbanator, one must use a 32 camera backing system to encompass all that is behind the behemoth. Whole families can be crushed when run over if only one camera malfunctions. It does present an easy way to watch a football game end zone to end zone. Just back up and you see the entire field. People in small to normal sized vehicles are in grave danger. When dealing with a Suburbanator in any situation just react to it as you would a 112 year old Asian woman which is 4 foot tall driving in a mid- sized car. They do NOT see you and NEVER will see you. Just pull over and let them have that right of way as they drive at you down a one way street. Give the T-Rex its territory and you will live. If not, you will become an accordion. I remember Jack Lalanne. Up until he died he performed AMAZING feats of endurance and strength and was just a positive force. At age 70, handcuffed, he towed 70 row boats, one with several people, fighting strong winds and currents for 1 MILE! Unfortunately if Jack was still alive today, he would meet his match with the Suburbanator and generally become a pile of goo in any opposition to it. Mr. T calls himself a “FOOL” whenever he thinks of getting near one. George Foreman bought one and named it George SENIOR! SENIOR! Due to sheer fear of it. It can carry all 27 of his sons all named George Jr. Just stay away from the DAMNABLE THING!!!

I believe Ford built a larger vehicle but due to sheer weight it cannot move so it has become an apartment building for the homeless. Are these vehicles really safe? Give me an RPG and I will show you how safe you really are! BWA HA HA HA! These are like people that drive Hummers. Only the rich would drive a vehicle named after oral sex. “How do you love that Hummer Phil?” “God it feels great! I love the comfort and the fact I can come and go ANYPLACE I WANT!”

Personally I want an Abrams tank. I remember what the one did when it was absconded with in LA some years back. Talk about never having to wait in traffic again or a parking space. I pity the person that would give me the finger in that baby. They would immediately become bloody tin foil in the road. Well at least it gets better gas mileage than the Suburbanator. I believe that Chevy just released an optional turret with a 50MM gun attached. Well like they were not dangerous enough as it was.

Chevy has in the works a vehicle so large that it will shift the Earth’s axis. Who needs a greenhouse effect? We are all going to die.

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