May 162012
 

Psycho KillerYou may recall when I lived in San Jose that I had a bird return every year to a small conifer in front of my place as the slugs to Capistrano. He would eventually drive me insane since he would start singing at 4 AM and I never could figure out how he was not eaten by night-hunting carnivores. I was sure he would be eliminated from the gene pool but never was. He was my bane and I had to start wearing ear plugs to sleep and would dream of catching him and eating squab!

Last night I was watching a movie name “The Locals” and during some dialogue I start hearing a sharp bird chirp. I knew it was not coming from the movie so I turned down the volume and was hearing the chirp outside my window. Why did’t the cat or raccoon with red eyes handle this? I slammed the shutter and the chirping stopped. I thought maybe the bird had flown off. I resumed my movie and the chirping started again. I got up and slammed the shutters again. Silence. So what happens when I start viewing the movie again? Chirping! Is this going to go on all night?

It was dusk to dark, and I presumed the bird had taken up sanctuary over my window. I decided I was going to climb up on the roof and eradicate the bird from its location. Frustration will do this to you with the exception of climbing El Capitan to extricate a bird. I got my step ladder and flashlight and climbed up onto the roof. I walked over to where the window is and begin looking with the flashlight at said window and eve. As I am using my flashlight to shine under the eve of the roof, I find myself 12” from a wasp nest and they are still active. Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact I am highly allergic to stings and carry an epi shot.

Well 2-3 proceed to take flight into my face at which point I took a quick step back. I forgot I was on an angled roof and I fell. Thankfully, I had presence of mind to twist and get on my butt and plant my shoes on the tiles. And people are impressed with Cirque du Soleil performers? HA, I say! I stopped about a foot from the gutter, spider-walked very quickly to where the ladder is and climbed over the edge. I slipped on the 4th step but managed to land on my feet exclaiming loudly, “So THAT’S why they call me the CAT MAN!”

I went back to my movie viewing with adrenaline now pumping through my system. I settled for wearing ear plugs and had very vivid dream of fighting off a 50-foot-tall Cyndi Lauper from her shaved head hay-days. She actually was cute! Just don’t let her step on you!

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