Mar 012001

The Luv DoctorIt’s da Doctor’s birthday and even though I’m still recovering from my hospital stay, I’m always ready for da ladies. I was meetin’ my little Spanish honey at some whacked-ass fufu restaurant; this time da Doctor made it out of his crib with no problems. I jumped in Ginger and rolled to da restaurant. I made it there with no problems… da Doctor was feelin’ good!

When I walked inta da place, I hads to take a serious-ass piss… DAM!!! Those two forties I had earlier to numb da pain of my injuries was hittin’ me like Tyson boxing some white-boy. I found my way inta da head and into a stall (the doctor needs his privacy)—those dam stalls are small for a big fine cat like da Doctor. Then I gets one of my pant legs caught on da door on my way out. I tried to shake da sucka loose and slipped… DAM!!!! I reached out to brake my fall and now I was arm deep in da toilet; da sleeve on my velvet jump suit was soaked…. Oh dam, I forgots ta flush! I dragged my sorry-ass outta da stall an sees my salvation on da wall: da dam hand dryer.

I strolled over to da dryer an turnt that sucka on full-blast. Da dryin’ was going well, when all of a sudden my arm started going numb an shit. I thoughts I was havin’ a dam heart attack !!! I looks and sees da sleeve on my sweet velvet jump suit was shrinkin’ arounds my arm and my fingers was startin’ to turns purple. I hads ta axe fast! I started chewin’ that dam sleeve off. It was abouts that time I recalls that sleeve was sokin’ in da toilet in da Doctor’s business. I hads a mouth full of funk, and da Doctor was feelin’ queasy!

I gets that sleeve off and walked out of da head. Regainin’ my composure, I walks up to da lobby and some sucka in a tux tells da Doctor he can’ts go in “lookin’ like dat”. I looks at this little-ass, French-accent-speakin’-sucka and I says, “I’m da Luv Doctor, fool ands I gots my little Spanish sweetie watin’ in there for her Doctor.”

“No, no, no,” he says. “You can notta go in their lookina likea circus clowna, anda you breath ita smella likea shit!” Man, that litta fool must be drunk; no one talks to da Doctor like that. This little fool was pissin’ me off and my stomach was startin’ ta cramp up.

So I looks that fool inda eye and says, “You best be gettin’ outta my way ‘for I break my foot off in your ass.” I could see that the French fool was scared cuz he starts yellin’ for some fool named Nancy. I tells that sucka that I’ll slap that bitch when she gets out here. I’m getting ready to cole-cock that fool when the biggest, baddest, scariest brother you has ever seen walks up.

“Thisa clown no wanna leave, Nancy,” the little guy says.

Pimp Tip: Don’t think out loud!!!

“What the hell kinda name is Nancy for a man? I means, dam! Ha ha. That’s some sorry-ass shit growin’ up with a sissy-ass name like Nancy. I should slap you like da bitch youse was named afta.” Now da way dat big-ass fool was lookin’ at me, I realized I was thinkin’ out loud…. Oh, momma. When that big fool punched me it was like bein’ hit with a fridge. He musta punched me outta my shoes, I guess, cuz I woke up in da alley without ’em.

I gots my sorry-ass up and stumbled over ta Ginger (the Doctor’s ’84 caddy). I looks at my folex and sees I been out for hours an my stomach was killin’ me; probably from all them nasty-ass germs from my sleeve. Aw shit, I can’t feel mys face neither. I think I gots another one of them concussions. So I drove back ta my crib ta asses da damage. I gets there an checks my face in da mirror. I was lookin’ like da dam Elephant Man, face all puffy an shit. My vision was blurry too and my belly was achin’ even worst.

Afta all that shit, I says, ta hell with it: I gots undressed and went ta bed. As I was layin’ in bed, I starts ta sweat. I’m feelin’ queasy and I feels I’m abouts ta puke. I starts ta get up ta go to da head ands I gets a dam leg cramp. That sucka lasted a frickin’ ten minutes, and I was tryin’ my best not ta puke on my new silk sheets. I was so tired afta da cramp that I finally managed ta fall asleep.

I woked up an hour later on my stomach with a weird warm feelin’ on my butt an legs. I realized from da stank that I had shat myself. Oh, dam! I peeled off my sheets and walked my smelly-ass inta da shower. I was still dizzy from that dam punch, and I slipped on my way out and hit myself in da nuts… da Doctor was hurtin’ bad!!! I just laid there on da floor until mornin’, then I drove myself to da hospital. I hopes my next birthday is better.


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