Dec 162009

Psycho KillerAs long as I have lived in good old sunny California I have never awakened to find the Bay Area at a chilly 26 degrees. I almost had to wear underwear this morning to offset the chill. When I was a child I would always begin a cold winter’s day by placing myself in the clothes dryer on normal setting to get nice and toasty before I went outside to wait for the school bus. Unfortunately my mother spent a fortune on aloe vera since I suffered 1st and 2nd degree burns all over my body and whatever part of my body came into contact with snow, melted it. These were the times of the first electric battery operated heated pieces of clothing from socks to gloves to underwear. Heaven help he that wet himself. Many men lost the ability to reproduce due to the invention of battery warmed underwear, dampness and electroshock convolution.

So what are the incredible turn of events here in the Bay Area due to this? Well I was informed by a radio announcer that there was black ice on route 17 coming from Santa Cruz and that they were attempting to melt it.

Black ice? Hmmm, I have seen dirty water freeze so it can technically be called brown ice. I have never seen black water period except in a horror movie so I have never seen it freeze so yes it could be difficult to spot as would be a black hole in space. They cannot be seen either because they are black and space is black so you kind of get my meaning. I know what precisely the term “black ice” denotes. Technically it should be called “asphalt ice” since more often than not, asphalt is not black. It is gray, charcoal, white even at times in patches due to particulate matter that has dried on it or bleached by time and sun. If “black ice” really was black, you could spot it very easily on most roads since you would see a black patch and think to yourself “Damn it’s BLACK ICE!” and avoid it. Well it could be a patch of solidified tar but no need to take chance. It is sad to see animals crossing the road and slipping and falling on black ice. Many being color blind are at a disadvantage. Sometimes you see a deer playing a practical joke prompting a weasel to cross the road just to see all four feet come out from under him and look completely silly. Weasels are not too bright and should know deer REALLY have no desire to befriend them just to play practical jokes and laugh at them.I wondered what techniques the state were using to eliminate the black ice threat on route 17. I had heard that the air force had moved in and had recommended the following suggestion. Spray the entire area with precise napalm drops. Spray down the commuters cars with flame retardant foam and have the air men scream at the prepped car’s driver to “DRIVE LIKE YOU NEVER HAVE BEFORE!!!”  Of course this scenario would not be very viable for people wearing clothing made from artificial materials such as nylon. It would however get rid of the massive termite infestation in the area since there would be no more trees.

Personally my solution to the problem would be to air lift any Politian to area and have them give a speech. The amount of pure hot air and bull crap that would emanate from their mouth would melt anything for miles. A cheap, economic resource we should exploit more often. This why Washington DC never suffers from icing and snow problems on the streets. At least politicians are good for something other than sex scandals, lies and taking money and looking funny in smiley face boxer shorts.

Someone suggested obtaining and using 4.6 million cans of ice off but figured it would take 27.845 years to get it to the affected area. Anti-freeze was also mentioned but the person was bludgeoned to death for being a moron and because he was still wearing a Member’s only jacket and parachute pants. Let’s face it, he needed to be punished anyway for his fashion sense.

A man of the cloth stepped forward and claimed through nothing but sheer will and prayer that he would solve the problem. After 3 hours of using a megaphone screaming at the sky, he was hauled away by an ambulance to the nearest sanitarium due to the fact he was recognized as being escaped mental patient that believed he was Hiltler’s pet schnauzer named Hemler. Who would have guessed?

So by the time that the powers that be had decided what to do and had finished text messaging 1000’s of people on Twitter, the black ice had melted and everyone proceeded to drive to work late, scream at each other, cut each other off, get out of the cars and smack each other with tire irons, shoot at each other, you know the usual California commute. So be careful next time you hit that road on a cold morning. If you see a Sasqwatch lying on the road and he is not dead or road kill, he probably is a victim of the dreaded black ice.

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