May 242011
 

Psycho KillerI had the incredible pleasure of the viewing the movie “Black Swan”. I think the ballet would be more interesting if it were called “The Blasé Ostrich With Head in The Sand” or “The Skinhead Vulture Picking at a Dead Carcass In My Back Yard”. It was an evening to watch films dealing with extremes in psychological aberrations.

The movie pertains to a ballet dancer who is living with an overbearing mother who is trying to live vicariously through her daughter and being treated as such. Who doesn’t? The mother is played my Barbara Hersey Kisses. The only problem is that it is implied and you really do not know if Mom is the Hitler she is portrayed to be. I mean the small mustache should have given it away as well as her goose stepping.

The movie’s essential component that I find interesting is that her ballet director gives her homework and that homework is to go home and masturbate. Little did I know that masturbation will set you free and make you a great dancer. I am positive that part of the training for all participating in the popular television show “Dancing With the Stars” involves a LOT of masturbation. Unfortunately, she just cannot set herself free due to the fact she gets into an erotic masturbatory episode and looks over and spies her mother sleeping in a chair beside the bed. Boy, talk about taking the steam out of you as well as other things!

This reminded me of the first time I had sex. I was SO scared! I was all alone. So no matter how she tries she just can’t get the job done and her dancing suffers for it. This I just cannot understand in the slightest. If masturbation set you free and gave you the ability to dance then we would be a world of Fred Astaires and Ginger Rogers. Why do the majority of all people dance with the ability of a 20 month pregnant elephant missing 2 feet? Answer: NOT ENOUGH MASTURBATION. Thank heavens I watched this movie. I need thicker glasses but I am moving like Michael Jackson now, meaning I lay down a lot!

I think I began losing my ability to disseminate actually what was occurring when she had a lesbian encounter with herself. At no time did her director tell her she needed to engage in a lesbian affair with herself to set herself free! I have had sex with many lesbians and still I have never been set free, but I still have the scars and marks where I was beaten severely. Have you gotten the idea that the movie is trying to tell me to have sex of some kind to be free and it will make me a ballet dancer? Well that is something I think would have never happened. I do not look good in white tights especially after labor day or after I have just finished eating four gallons of ice cream. I look great in leather, though! Somehow this scene would have worked better if there was a dwarf in it. Everything is better with a dwarf.

The brutal scenes dealt with close ups of the ballet dancers’ feet as they danced. The twirling, spinning, the toelio, the toe jam, the webbed toes. Yes the main ballerina had webbed toes. The decision was made primarily based on the fact the two male dancers (princes) were Donald and Howard the Duck. I must admit that ballet dancers have the absolute worse looking feet I have ever seen with the exception of my brother whose feet proved we evolved from simians. His toes were so long he could hang from a branch with them. I made him cry many a time as he was hanging in the closet at night and I made jokes about him. Then, he would attack me with his fangs. We were never a normal family.

So by the end of the movie when she must dance the Black Swan part of the ballet she sprouts real wings and dances around the stage FREE to let herself go. The people who hunt game birds in the auditorium are so excited you can see the fiery look in their eyes! If only they could shoot her, have their dog fetch her and cook her in a deep fryer and experience what she tastes like. Personally, I think she would taste gamey and I would HATE to have to pluck something that huge to cook.

I forgot to mention that she had returned to her dressing room in triumph at one point and proceeded to get into a psychical altercation with herself and stabs herself in the abdomen. I find myself in this fix every morning. I see George Washington sitting at my computer, doing online banking, become infuriated and proceed to punch myself in the face. Hey, who doesn’t do this at one time or another? Well, maybe Freddy Krueger, but he went into some serious psychological rehab to beat it.

So, our ballet dancer finishes the ballet and falls backward into a mattress on the side of a rise and everyone extols the superlative, exalted performance. No, she does not masturbate as she is on the mattress; although, that would have been an upbeat ending. Everyone rushes to her, the crowd goes wild, a fat lady REALLY sings and our heroine is dying of the wound and the screen fades to bright white. We see Carol Anne and a strange dwarven lady as she tries to call them back from the other side. Oh wait, I am confusing it with another movie.

In the end we learn from Black Swan: if you wish to become a great ballet dancer and be set free, WANK OFF! If you constantly meet yourself and happen to get angry, and do yourself bodily harm, at least do not do something fatal to your doppelganger; you will DIE. Before you see the blinding, white light, make sure to prepay a dwarven, psychic, female to pull you back from the other side.

I think I will go eat crow!

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  3 Responses to “Black Swan”

  1. Nice take, PK.

    Yeah, I didn’t think this was as great as the hype led me to believe (isn’t that always the case?). First of all, this movie was a blatant rip off. Yes, I said it, a rip off. It was nothing more than a chick flick version of Fight Club: a protagonist who must battle his/her inner darkness (literally) in order to push through a repressed inner self and toward an ultimate true calling. That’s it. It’s the standard man/woman versus psyche. While in Fight Club the protagonist’s outlet was fist-fighting and crotch kicking himself (which is really difficult, mind you) in parking lots and underground garages and bringing down the credit card industry, in Black Swan sexual experimentation and other angst-ridden teenage outlets were the means toward Portman’s eventual rebirth into her darker inner swan (apparently, her better and bloodied half).

    It was interesting seeing Natalie Portman play Darth Vader this time around instead of the cardboard and often cadaverous offerings of Hayden Christensen.

    I liked Mila Kunis in it, as well. Although, I kept expecting her father to burst in at some inopportune moment and say, “Shut up, Meg.”

    It wasn’t a bad movie and is definitely worth watching once. But it most certainly wasn’t anything amazing. I don’t fancy movies that pride themselves at being so deep that I need and extension ladder to climb out of them. I think they need to get Natalie Portman and Ed Norton together and make a Black Swan vs. The Hulk sequel. Can you imagine The Hulk unsuccessfully attempting a fist smash on a prancing and pirouetting Black Swan as she tries to shiv him in return with a shard of broken mirror? We’ll see then who really has the chops… and in the end, they can both get pedicures.

    NX

  2. What in the dang-blasted mother load are the two of youse jabberin’ about? Ain’tcha got nothing better ta do than talk all this fiddle-faddle? And while I’m on it, which of youse jumped ma claim? I knows it was you… don’t deny it!

    Whiskey Dick

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