Jan 242001
Scorched Hand clubs the unsuspecting Captain Monkey.

Scorched Hand clubs the unsuspecting Captain Monkey.

ANGELINOS, CA—A happy bar mitzvah turned into an all out slug fest on Monday when the nefarious Scorched Hand and the heroic Captain Monkey were involved in an altercation that would eventually be responsible for riots, vandalism and a rash of severe toilet papering incidents throughout the city.

“Dude,” said Bubba Goodall, a close personal friend of Stan Cornell the alias Scorched Hand. “Stan was just standing around eating some of them kosher weenies when that loudmouth Captain Monkey fellow was like, ‘Hey, baldy, hand me one of them bananas!’ Well, Stan just gives him this weird look like the monkey’s just insulted his mom or something, then hands the super ape a banana.” Goodall smiled as he recalled the resulting fisticuffs. “That’s when Stan clocked him one—right on his big, fat monkey chin. After that, well, it’s kind of hard to remember. What I do recall is Captain Monkey started throwing feces at Stan who immediately took refuge behind Mrs. Lipschitz. Man, monkey shit everywhere. It was hella funny.” Goodall then added that Cornell just went crazy and started “tearing shit up”.

“First, he went around putting ‘Kick Me’ signs on anyone he could find. Then, he started toilet papering peoples’ lawns, leaving 2% tips, and finally, when cornered by police, he threatened to vote Republican in the next election. That’s when the cops backed off. I mean, he could have been serious.”

Captain Monkey was nowhere to be found after the incident. Sources stated he had gone into hiding claiming that he did not want to be responsible for any further chaos. While others said he had returned to his secret hideout to stock up on bananas and ticks.

The surly Toast Boy

The surly Toast Boy

Worse yet, however, is word that Scorched Hand has gained the assistance of local arch villain Toast Boy. The surly Toast Boy is a master of toast offense, using the hard baked bread as a disc weapon, as well as a defensive shield. Many a wrongdoer has been momentarily stunned by the demonic frown as the boy of toast unleashes the glowering power of his golden bracelet, handed down to him by his grandmother on her deathbed.

Cornell is also now said to possess the ability, through the use of his scorched hand, to create all of the toast that the sinister Toast Boy needs to fuel his vicious nature and frequent temper tantrums. Together there is no telling what the two may accomplish.

At a press conference, local police commissioner, Bernard Hepp, had the following to say: “We are doing everything within our power to deal with this most troubling situation, and we are urging everyone to remain calm and avoid antagonizing Scorched Hand and Toast Boy any further.” Hepp then turned the podium over to his press secretary who then removed a ‘Kick Me’ sign from the commissioner’s back, insuring that, “…everything is under control.”

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