SAN FRANCISCO, CAâ€”While other areas of the economy are suffering in these uncertain times, conspiracy theorist nutjobs around the country are enjoying boom times, according to leading economic indicators.
Fed by the manure-like fertilization of panic by the national media, the general populace has proved to be fertile soil for the seeds of wacko conspiracies. One sickeningly implausible claim that has become popular states that California Congressman Gary Condit was the true mastermind behind the recent terrorist attacks of September 11th.
Norman Fenster of Hohman, Indiana, publisher of a popular newsletter named “Behind the Ivory Pillars”, described the farcical plot, “Well, you see, Condit needed to divert FBI attention from the disappearance of his intern, and these attacks were a perfect way to accomplish that.” Fenster briefly consulted a stack of slightly-stained papers, and then muttered, “Oh yeah, he also wanted to get out of the public eye while he grew out that mid-80’s porn star haircut of his.”
Fenster reported that subscriptions to his newsletter, which advertises “exclusive whistleblowers” had been struggling to break even. Prior to September 11th, the subscriber base was down to 3 of his relatives and a small dachshund known to wander the area, according to Fenster. However, after the attacks, he has gained over five thousand subscribers in the surrounding 3 counties, and he has been making thousands of dollars selling flimsily unreliable copies of documents claiming to prove the ludicrous claims.
It isn’t just traditional nutjobs profiting from the fear sweeping the American populace, however. A noted online fear-monger known only as “Stuart Z” found a massive receptive audience when the news/comedy site Fark.com posted a link to one of his criminally-insane rants. StrangeCrap conducted an interview with Stuart Z via an instant messaging service, during which the online “journalist” gave a rambling, semi-incoherent description of the story that made him an Internet darling, which we reproduce in its original form.
“well, dude, it’s like this…you’ve got to follow the CASH!! who gains from a war against the afghanistanians?!? see, the russians lost the cold war cuz they ran out of money, and they had to stop trying to take over afghanistan, so now they are getting the USA to spend our money to destroy the defenses there so they can walk right in. didnt u hear about how those russians are like all ready to join in teh ground effort now?? they got the idiots in wash DC to go after osama by providing false evidence from their secret intelligence agency. MARK MY WORDS!!! russia will be running kabul in six months!!!”
Stuart Z went on to describe how his site is raking in giant piles of money by using popup ads from X10, the company now notorious for their voyeur-friendly minicameras and other monitoring devices, as well as selling “Once a Commie, always a Commie! NUKE MOSCOW!” bumper stickers on his online store. Excerpts from his statements include the phrases “rolling nekkid in dollar bills”, as well as “LAP DANCES, BABY!!” and “thank you Mr. KGB man!!”
Despite the American public’s amazing gullibility, it does appear that some of the multitudes of conspiracy nuts across America have doubts as to their abilities to manipulate the public. As Elbert Nelson, chief treasurer of APFIM, the American Potator Farmers Independent Militia, sat in his double-wide trailer home in a foul-smelling town sixty miles northeast of Boise, Idaho, he considered some of the hard-to-sell conspiracies that had crossed his path.
“Well, I do recall this one theory,” he explained, “One of the guys down at the Bait-n-Liquor said that the US Government is taking advantage of the attacks to pass sweeping reductions in civil liberties to restrict personal freedoms, including those easily accessible via the Internet, as well as to get permission to hold undesirables indefinitely without criminal charges.” Nelson then shook his head slowly, and then chuckled softly as he said, “Nahâ€¦ That one’s just too crazy.”