WASHINGTON, DC–In a bold move to woo a key demographic for the upcoming 2004 election, President George W. Bush announced he was â€œgoinâ€™ gangstaâ€. During a press conference held Wednesday in the White House, President Bush, now sporting a phat goatee and a retro pair of afro pig tails stated, â€œYo, itâ€™s all abouts confrontin’ da situation. Itâ€™s all abouts confrontation, representation, unificationâ€”with one badass muthafucka ta lead dis here nation.â€ He added, â€œItâ€™s all abouts dis here afro-Saxon, itâ€™s all about ma homies, it ainâ€™t about taxinâ€™. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like Iraq or Iranâ€.
Reporters at the conference could only be described as stunned. The president seemed confident about the election, however, spouting, â€œYo, fuck them â€˜Crats. Dey all a bunch of brown divers. Like dem Dixie Chick bitches and that fat fuck, Michael Moore! Yeah if dey keep on flippin’ off at the jibs we gonna have ta air dey ass out. Our party is bomb diggity, yo!â€
After another flurry of comments containing such words as bosepheus, bosshead, fo shiggety, nuzwhuts and ghettofabulous, the President was hurriedly escorted from the podium by White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer and the Secret Service. The Presidentâ€™s final words were, â€œAnd that sorry bitch bin Laden, yeah Iâ€™m gonna gobble baste dat ass, yo! Iâ€™m gonna loose my gorilla juice all up in yo ass!â€ before he was ushered into the White House.
Mr. Fleischer only added, â€œYeah, um, word up.â€
The remainder of the Presidentâ€™s speech is awaiting release pending further translation by the Associated Press.