WASHINGTON, D.C.â€”After months of preparation President George W. Bush finally received Anthrax this week at a White House charity event held to raise money for the victims of the recent terrorist attacks. “I am happy to have finally met these young men. Jenna can’t seem to stop talking about them,” the President commented after an impromptu mosh pit nearly destroyed an antique vase donated to the White House collection by President Warren G. Harding. Vice President Dick Cheney was also seen attempting to enter the mosh pit but quickly clutched his chest in discomfort, complaining of pain.
“What a wuss,” claimed Anthrax bassist, Frank Bello. “We actually thought the old guy was gonna shred with us for a whileâ€¦ he really needs to lay off those triple cheeseburgers.” When asked what he and his fellow band members thought of their visit with the President, Bello replied, “Uh, it’s cool. President Bush is actually a really cool dude. He’s really down to earth, you know, like your dad or something. He’s nothing like Clinton. That guy was crazy. He was more like your perverted uncle Bob or something. When we visited him back in ’95, he had each of us sit on his lap for a few minutes as he stroked our backs and twiddled our long hair. To tell you the truth,” he added, “that’s one reason why I cut my hair. The guy’s a freak! I still have nightmares about it.”
Other Anthrax band member, Scott Ian, also commented on the White House visit: “What a blast! These old dudes can party. The First Lady was just going to show me the, uh, Lincoln Bedroomâ€¦ Yeah, this party’s gonna get out of control here shortly. We just sent Colin Powell on a beer run. And man oh man, can that Jenna sure drink. Whoo! She beat me and Newt Gingrich at quarters. Whoo! I’m so fuckin’ wasted. Anyway, they’re about to have a wet T-Shirt contest in the oval office.” He then gazed again at the First Lady and asked if I had “a rubber”. Upon this reporter’s answer of, “no” he simply said, “Okay, gotta go then.”
Other celebrities attending the gala, star-studded event seemed to be enjoying themselves as well. Actor/Director Kevin Smith gestured and mimed an answer when asked how he was enjoying the evening with The President and his family. His friend and partner in crime, Jason Mewes, was a bit more vocal. “Yo, yo, this shit be the motherfuckin’ bomb, yo. Me and lunchbox here are about to go see us some wet chee-chees and shit.” Then turning to Smith, “You probably don’t like that shit, huh, you gay fuck? Yeah, you’d much rather see some hot dick action, huh ton of fun?” he asked as he dry-humped Smith’s leg. The two then disappeared toward the oval office along with several others, Smith denying Mewes’ allegations by shaking his head and shrugging.
Other attending celebrities included John Travolta, Gwyneth Paltrow, Calista Flockhart (who ate a Wheat Thin), Ben Affleck, Richard Hatch (the gay fat fellow from Survivor) and that guy from the Sprint PCS commercials.
Former First Lady and the President’s mother, Barbara Bush, commented on the evening’s festivities by adding, “The young people seem to be having a lot of fun. Who knows, if I play my cards right this evening, I just might get lucky,” she said pointing wide-eyed to her husband George Bush who was in the midst of ‘freaking’ with former Attorney General Janet Reno.
After several more hours and a few beer runs later, this reporter could take no more and finally left when Orin Hatch was spotted sporting an 18th century lampshade on his head, claiming, “Look everyone! I think I’m having fun! I think I’m having fun!” There’s really only so much one person can bear.