SIOUX FALLS, SDâ€”To the shock of onlookers, President George W. Bush narrowly escaped a brutal attack by a vampire known only as Baron Vonk. The incident happened on March 29th during a meeting with South Dakota representatives regarding Bush’s proposed tax cut. Shortly after Bush’s arrival, a shadowy figure materialized next to the president.
“It was a bit of a blur,” confessed secret service agent Pat Barkin. “One minute the president was by himself and the next, this fanged freak was all up in his face. I barely had enough time to react before Vonk could plant his fangs into the president’s neck. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Even that Jersey Devil attack on president Reagan in ’85 pales in comparison to this.”
Several others rushed to the president’s aid when the mysterious Baron Vonk materialized. Presidential aide, Mark Brothers, added, “It was really weird and it all happened very quickly. It seemed like the secret service was taking forever to respond, and I guess the only thing that saved the president was the garlic supreme pizza he had for lunch. You should have seen the way the vampire reacted when he caught a whiff of the president’s breath,” he concluded with a chuckle.
Another witness to the event was event caterer Joey Chalucci. “Yeah, so I was passin’ around these crab things when this guy comes whooshin’ in right next to the big guy. Then he recoils like he’s just smelled the nastiest fart in history. Heh, turns out it was the big guy’s breath. So, uh, after that, all these guys in dark glasses and them ear pieces pull out these long wooden stakes and start stabbin’ the vamp guy. It was pretty freakin’ wild, man; pretty freakin’ wild!”
At a press conference held the next morning, president Bush commented on the incident, saying, “It was a vampire of some sort because he had big teeth, and they were long. And from what I read in the papers he was trying to attack me because I’m the president. I guess he thought I would be an easy target, but obviously he misunderestimated me.”
When asked about a possible motivation behind the attack, president Bush replied, “It was probably because of my tax cut. He may have been upseted because he doesn’t agree with me. Every American should be taxed and should get a tax cut. It’s called ‘taxation with representation’, and I’m representing most Americans. Maybe he didn’t feel representable. I understand the bondage between Americans and their money and I want to give some back to them. It’s sad he doesn’t understand thisâ€¦ yeahâ€¦ I’m a good driver.”
The motivations behind Vonk’s attack have not been and will unlikely never be determined, stated sources close to the president: Vonk’s body disintegrated into a smoldering pile of ash after secret service agents plunged a stake into his heart. It is reported, however, that the Secret Service is adding silver bullets, crucifixes and magic +1 holy swords to their everyday arsenals.