Jan 162017
 

In light of recent events, David Langley—a butthurt American—has made it his personal mission to boycott just about everything. Whether in the form of links to fake news sites or political cartoons supposedly pushing some self-righteous, kitsch ideology, Langley’s Facebook page is strewn in vomitous volume with posts regarding his current level of butthurt.

“I’m just absolutely distraught over the actions and attitudes of family and friends. There’s not a free-thinker among them,” said Langley regarding anyone who doesn’t share his point of view. “I’ve made it my mission to post as much garbage as I can in light of that fact. Being a free-thinker means only thinking like me.”

Langley, a 38-year-old self-proclaimed liberal, says he won’t rest until Trump is out of the White House—even if it takes him eight years to get it done.

“It’s not fair that Trump should be able to choose whoever he wants for his cabinet. We should have a say and be able to drag this out as long as we choose.”

Historically, cabinet officers are nominated by the President and confirmed by the U.S. Senate by a majority vote.

In a show of defiance, Langley and other butthurt liberals—to include many third-rate celebrities seeking to revive stagnating careers—have chosen to flood Facebook and other social media sites with plans to boycott the upcoming inauguration.

“I want everyone to know exactly how butthurt I am,” added Langley. “In fact, I encourage everyone to buy stock in Preparation H, I’m so butthurt.”

When asked what he’ll do when Trump’s presidency and policies ultimately come to an end, Langley said, “Well, I guess I’ll need to find something else to be butthurt about. Or maybe I’ll just praise whoever takes his place; unless—of course—it’s another Republican, in which case I’ll need to double my butthurt efforts.”

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