Sep 212017
 

South Carolina  –  On Monday, area man, David Gilmore set up a GoFundMe account to help find relief from the onslaught of recent GoFundMe campaigns benefitting victims of this or that hurricane and/or earthquake.

“At first, I just wanted to help,” said Gilmore. “But then it got out of control.”

When asked exactly how it got “out of control”, Gilmore replied, “Well, first was a hurricane in Mexico, then an earthquake, then Irma, then another earthquake and now, another hurricane. To top it off, my buddy Brittney from Georgia started a GoFundMe after her dog Skippy was killed by a tiger . . . a flippin’ tiger! It’s crazy! It’s like someone’s playing Jumanji somewhere. Frankly, I can’t keep up.”

Gilmore noted that he pledged considerable sums to each of the aforementioned GoFundMe campaigns, and has now found himself in a dire financial situation.

“Yeah, I’m tapped out, man,” added Gilmore. “I thought, now who’s gonna help me? So I started my own GoFundMe campaign to help me get back on my feet after all those other GoFundME campaigns.”

To date, Gilmore’s campaign has raised $50, mostly from his mother.

BUTTHURT AMERICAN BOYCOTTS EVERYTHING

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Jan 162017
 

In light of recent events, David Langley—a butthurt American—has made it his personal mission to boycott just about everything. Whether in the form of links to fake news sites or political cartoons supposedly pushing some self-righteous, kitsch ideology, Langley’s Facebook page is strewn in vomitous volume with posts regarding his current level of butthurt.

“I’m just absolutely distraught over the actions and attitudes of family and friends. There’s not a free-thinker among them,” said Langley regarding anyone who doesn’t share his point of view. “I’ve made it my mission to post as much garbage as I can in light of that fact. Being a free-thinker means only thinking like me.”

Langley, a 38-year-old self-proclaimed liberal, says he won’t rest until Trump is out of the White House—even if it takes him eight years to get it done. Continue reading »

ELON MUSK TO LAUNCH MASSIVE DILDOS INTO SPACE

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Sep 282016
 

spacexAt today’s International Astronautical Congress (IAC) in Guadalajara, Mexico, SpaceX (and Tesla, and soon to be SolarCity) CEO Elon Musk announced his plans for building what has been dubbed the Interplanetary Transport System (ITS) consisting of a fleet of massive, flaming dildos.

SpaceX has established itself as a revolutionary aerospace company by making, and successfully demonstrating, reusable orbital class rockets that return to land or oceanic drone ships after penetrating the darkness of space.

However successful its past attempts have been, the Interplanetary Transport System is what SpaceX has been aiming for all along: a transportation system that can take humans to Mars in order to establish a Martian pleasure colony.

SESAME STREET MOVING TO HBO

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Jul 292016
 

Sesame Street moving to HBO

For those not already in the know, Sesame Street and its cast of characters, have found a new home on HBO.

This follows a decision last August where the series signed a five-year deal with HBO after struggling financially over the last three fiscal years. It has operated at a loss for some time now—loosing $21.7 million—as the money from donations, distribution fees, and—most crucially—licensing for merchandise dropped.

For the first time in its nearly 50 years on the air, Sesame Street will air new episodes—its 46th season—exclusively on the cable giant. PBS viewers will then get those episodes nine months later. Reruns will continue to air on PBS in the interim.

Executives at HBO are excited over the new acquisition. “At HBO, we are all fans of the series and couldn’t imagine Sesame Street not continuing on PBS,” Michael Lombardo, HBO president of programming, wrote via email. “We are proud to play this role in allowing it to continue on public television while at the same time seeing great value in adding an iconic series and an extensive library to HBO’s lineup.”

He added, “And we’ll finally be able to give everyone that Bert and Ernie sex scene they’ve been clamoring for.”

So what will be new? Episodes will only be 30 minutes long, for one, instead of the usual hour. This decision was made before the new partnership came about.

“It was a tough call to shorten the episodes,” said staffer Gail McClintock. “We had to reevaluate what we’re focusing on. For instance, we’ve decided to no longer even talk about letters like X, Q and Z. And we’ve axed the number 16. No one cares about 16.”