BUTTHURT AMERICAN BOYCOTTS EVERYTHING

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Jan 162017
 

In light of recent events, David Langley—a butthurt American—has made it his personal mission to boycott just about everything. Whether in the form of links to fake news sites or political cartoons supposedly pushing some self-righteous, kitsch ideology, Langley’s Facebook page is strewn in vomitous volume with posts regarding his current level of butthurt.

“I’m just absolutely distraught over the actions and attitudes of family and friends. There’s not a free-thinker among them,” said Langley regarding anyone who doesn’t share his point of view. “I’ve made it my mission to post as much garbage as I can in light of that fact. Being a free-thinker means only thinking like me.”

Langley, a 38-year-old self-proclaimed liberal, says he won’t rest until Trump is out of the White House—even if it takes him eight years to get it done. Continue reading »

ELON MUSK TO LAUNCH MASSIVE DILDOS INTO SPACE

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Sep 282016
 

spacexAt today’s International Astronautical Congress (IAC) in Guadalajara, Mexico, SpaceX (and Tesla, and soon to be SolarCity) CEO Elon Musk announced his plans for building what has been dubbed the Interplanetary Transport System (ITS) consisting of a fleet of massive, flaming dildos.

SpaceX has established itself as a revolutionary aerospace company by making, and successfully demonstrating, reusable orbital class rockets that return to land or oceanic drone ships after penetrating the darkness of space.

However successful its past attempts have been, the Interplanetary Transport System is what SpaceX has been aiming for all along: a transportation system that can take humans to Mars in order to establish a Martian pleasure colony.

SESAME STREET MOVING TO HBO

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Jul 292016
 

Sesame Street moving to HBO

For those not already in the know, Sesame Street and its cast of characters, have found a new home on HBO.

This follows a decision last August where the series signed a five-year deal with HBO after struggling financially over the last three fiscal years. It has operated at a loss for some time now—loosing $21.7 million—as the money from donations, distribution fees, and—most crucially—licensing for merchandise dropped.

For the first time in its nearly 50 years on the air, Sesame Street will air new episodes—its 46th season—exclusively on the cable giant. PBS viewers will then get those episodes nine months later. Reruns will continue to air on PBS in the interim.

Executives at HBO are excited over the new acquisition. “At HBO, we are all fans of the series and couldn’t imagine Sesame Street not continuing on PBS,” Michael Lombardo, HBO president of programming, wrote via email. “We are proud to play this role in allowing it to continue on public television while at the same time seeing great value in adding an iconic series and an extensive library to HBO’s lineup.”

He added, “And we’ll finally be able to give everyone that Bert and Ernie sex scene they’ve been clamoring for.”

So what will be new? Episodes will only be 30 minutes long, for one, instead of the usual hour. This decision was made before the new partnership came about.

“It was a tough call to shorten the episodes,” said staffer Gail McClintock. “We had to reevaluate what we’re focusing on. For instance, we’ve decided to no longer even talk about letters like X, Q and Z. And we’ve axed the number 16. No one cares about 16.”

BREAKING NEWS! Trump finds Pokémon in hair.

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Jul 122016
 

Psycho KillerIn a press conference today, presidential nominee Donald Trump reported that he had found a Pokémon in his hair after installing and playing the new Pokémon GO game.

“This is absolutely crazy!” said Trump. “This is exactly the type of thing we can expect from the Liberal agenda. Once I’m president, I’m gonna wrangle all these Pokémon up and send them back to . . . Pokéland . . . or wherever the hell they come from!”

Pokémon GO, a new mobile game from developer Niantic, uses real locations to encourage players to search far and wide in the real world to discover Pokémon. Pokémon GO allows players to find and catch more than a hundred species of Pokémon as they explore their surroundings.

“All this crazy, has got to stop,” added Trump. “These computer nerds need to be held accountable. They’re creating a bunch of mall-walking mutant lemmings with this crap. This problem is real and it needs to end now. And I’m the guy who’s going to put an end to it . . . just as soon as I find an Onix.”