No Thought Zone Calls Drivers to Stop Thinking While Driving

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Nov 122010
 
No Thought Zone LogoWashington, D.C (ESN):  The new driving safety campaign, sponsored by celebrity goddess, and empress of plain, generic women all over the world, Oprah Winfrey, aims to reduce the amount of traffic accidents caused by anyone using their brain while in a car.

“I personally know of many who have lost loved ones due to people who were too busy formulating a complex idea, or trying to better understand an abstract notion, instead of keeping their eyes on the road”, says Oprah, “It is time we put a stop to that criminal activity once and for all, and ‘No Thought Zone’ is the only reasonable way to do it – because I say so.” Continue reading »

The Future of Social Networks

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Oct 212010
 

Silicone Valley, CA (ESN): Propagation of the hottest new online trend, BloodSplat™, has now reached Facebookian proportions.

According to Alexis, the international web traffic monitoring company, the amount of unique visits to bloodsplat.com has multiplied in volume at least fifty times these past two weeks, transforming it from yet another peculiar college student project, to a worldwide phenomena that has more regular users than some religions, including crack-cocaine.

But what exactly is BloodSplatâ„¢? Our in-house internet specialist, Ron Singlebraincell, describes it as the next evolutionary step in social networking; the Facebook killing holy grail that everyone from Toronto to Timbuktu has been desperately searching for (except, of course, in actual Timbuktu, which was enveloped by the Sahara desert due to the neglect of its own inhabitants). In his own words, “Whereas other social networks provided people with the option to watch the benign, mundane chatter of acquaintances via short, telegraph style messages, or status text updates, or browse their generic, repetitive pictures, like ‘dude #2542382 shouts at camera while holding plastic cup with beer’, or ‘blonde girl #7231251 exposes rows of shiny teeth, while dancing in a club along with her equally cleavage-baring friends’, what these sites really needed was a cohesive activity around which to rope around their ridiculously gargantuan user-base.” Continue reading »

Peace Loving Jew Can’t Get Enough of Licking Arab Boots

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Oct 062010
 

A Jewish peace activist doing what he does best

Yonatan Bar-Submission, an Israeli ‘Peace Now’ activist, just can’t seem to have enough of the taste of delicious boots worn by Muslim and Arab parties.

The eager peace lover was seen recently in a major protest against various Israeli activities (such as breathing air that Arabs say belong to them, or existing within fifty miles of a mosque), when he is kneeling all the way down to the floor, and ravenously licking the footwear of Islamic fundamentalists, begging to be forgiven for his terrible crimes, and also to be whipped for being a ‘naughty bad boy’.

“We just came here to kill Jews”, says Ahmed bin Mahmoud, an Arab peace activist, while throwing fist-sized rocks at nearby Israeli schoolkids, “and this worm just insists on kissing my sandals, or asking me to kick him in the stomach and call him a ‘worthless slave’. I don’t know about you, but such things make me feel very uneasy.” Continue reading »

Obama Approves of Mosque On Top of White House, to Promote Freedom of Conquest

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Sep 212010
 

The new, tolerant design of the first Dhimmi house.

President Barack Obama spoke about the importance of understanding and tolerance in American society this morning, at the cornerstone ceremony of a new peace mosque, which will soon be built on top of the White House.

“America is the greatest country in the world of Allah.” said the president, while baring a perfect row of white teeth at Journalists. “And it is my honor as the current ‘first Dhimmi’ to show its dedication to freedom, by submitting to the will of a foreign political power.”

Also speaking at the ceremony was Imam Rafik-Al-Achflachashtani, representative of the ‘obliteration of all infidels initiative’ – the organization behind the mosque, which is funded by Wahhabist Saudis, as well as various Islamic charity groups, such as “Feed the poor with automatic weapons”, and “Cut that clitoris” – the pro-life advocates who object to abortions, and female orgasms worldwide. Continue reading »

Gangstas Receive Award for Multicultural Understanding After Shooting White Couple

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Sep 082010
 

A group of cultural sensitive community activists

LA, CA: The American Association for the Promotion of Racism against Whites (AAPRW – pronounced APRO) has granted a group of culturally sensitive young Afro-Americans from Compton, California, the Enlightened Understanding award, for practicing tolerance on a middle-aged couple from the Midwest, who took the wrong turn into their town.

“Them motherfucking crackers been riding into our turf like they fucking own da place.” One young lad explained eloquently while waving his arms in the air like he just doesn’t care.

“I mean, how does an honest smack-dealing brother is supposed to be making out a living for himself when da man is looking around, asking for directions like a motherfucker? So we popped a cap in whitey’s ass, and his ho-bitch too, for putting up all the screams. I mean, my granma is sick, coz I been taking all ‘er medicine money, and she’s trying to rest, so all yous racist whitebreads better shut da fuck up.” Continue reading »

Study Shows Having Nothing To Wake Up For Makes It Harder To Wake Up

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Aug 312010
 

SIRR scientists stirring some random smelly liquid.

(ESN) — Monday, August 30th, 2010, will be remembered in history as the day the Science Institute of Redundant Research (SIRR) has announced the results of their most prominent researches.

According to the press release, fifty years of meticulous research on a never before seen scale have led to amazing conclusions in the hot fields of ‘depression’, and ‘general pointlessness of life’.

Whereas previously it was speculated that having no reason to get out of bed in the morning made it harder for people to get up, now it is scientifically proven that this is indeed the case.

“No longer would we have to wander aimlessly in the realms of speculation and ignorant, primitive superstition,” says Dr. Plump Buttocks, senior analyst and executive chairman of SIRR, while eating a giant bowl of caviar in his 50 square foot golden jacuzzi. Continue reading »