Bucket Of Teeth Found On Roof Of Building

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May 062006
 

Frank Garcia has found items ranging from an occasional malt liquor bottle to a sleeping bag with Courtney Love in it shooting heroin on the roof of the building where he’s worked for the past 23 years engaged with experimentation in distance urination.

But he’s never found anything quite as strange (with the exception of a priest that has never violated a boy) as the five-gallon bucket of teeth two construction contractors found there this past weekend.

“This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever found,” Garcia said. “You find other things like a shirt or shoes, a dog running around with a severed penis in it’s mouth but I’ve never found anything like that.”

Two workers were doing some minor roof repairs at Platypus Valley Blueprint when they found a bucket filled with what they first thought were teeth shaped pearls! It wasn’t until one of them started to empty the bucket that they noticed the approximately 1,000 teeth and 15 pairs of gums and a partridge in a pear tree.

Aurora Borealis police are not investigating the source of the teeth because no complaint has been filed, spokesman Dan Ferrelli said “But that could be because the victims can only mumble now.”

Typically, dentists collect teeth from their patients in hazardous waste bags and later dispose of them by selling them to children on street corners to falsely attain money from the tooth fairy. Ferrelli said Aurora’s downtown area – where the teeth were found – does have some dental offices and a business that makes dentures and a large population of people that have to gum their food to survive.

“There’s nothing to believe that a crime was committed,” Ferrelli said “Except for the one hundred gallon drum sitting right next to the teeth filled with severed hands.”

Bush Gone Gangsta

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May 302003
 
To the B, to the U, to the S, to the H!

To the B, to the U, to the S, to the H!

WASHINGTON, DC–In a bold move to woo a key demographic for the upcoming 2004 election, President George W. Bush announced he was “goin’ gangsta”. During a press conference held Wednesday in the White House, President Bush, now sporting a phat goatee and a retro pair of afro pig tails stated, “Yo, it’s all abouts confrontin’ da situation. It’s all abouts confrontation, representation, unification—with one badass muthafucka ta lead dis here nation.” He added, “It’s all abouts dis here afro-Saxon, it’s all about ma homies, it ain’t about taxin’. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like Iraq or Iran”. Continue reading »

Area Man Gets Nailed

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May 292003
 

SANTA CLARITA, CA–A nail in the brain has got to hurt, right? Not to construction worker Jorge “Hammerhead” Hernandez, who accidentally shot himself in the head with a nail gun and didn’t realize it. Hernandez says he didn’t know he had a nail in his head until he saw it in the mirror of his car. Continue reading »

Testy Bureaucrat Has Man’s Balls In A Vice!

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May 292003
 

GRASS VALLEY, CA–The U.S. government (Yes that bunch of intelligent lacking wankers we all love!) is making a sculptor in Grass Valley, California, very teste: they won’t let him trademark his balls.

Jeff “Blue Balls” Tritel makes a line of scrotum-shaped sculptures called “American Brass Balls” that he says are meant to be patriotic (the cocks are painted red white and blue and are purportedly modeled after President George Washington’s penis as seen through his skin tight pants), not pornographic but can still be used to penetrate any orifice on your body and also your pets. Continue reading »