Let me get something off my chest and hopefully get people thinking about the nonsense they post when they don’t get their way. Over the past few days I’m sure you’ve seen the posts from all the bitter California Democrats now campaigning to have California secede from the union. Before I begin let me state that I am a registered Democrat but do not support this notion. I think our electoral system works and allows for equal representation of ALL citizens. A popular vote system of government might seem like the sensible way to do things, but if you really think about it, someone running for president would really only need to campaign in a few key states (or metropolitan areas) to win an election. Complete sections of the country would never be represented.
There is a fitting Portuguese term that I feel applies to last night’s election. Literally, it translates into “Good Work”. However, that is not what it means. The literal translation fails to capture the true snarkiness and almost karma-esque nature behind the meaning. The term I’m referring to is “Bem Feito.”
For instance, say a child talks back to his parents, then turns around to leave and smacks his head on the door jam: BEM FEITO! Or say someone is playing the fool and is warned to knock it off, then falls and injures herself: BEM FEITO! Or say someone is running for president and rigs the primary, threatens anyone who opposes her, holds back criminal information, abandons those in her care, dismisses a majority of her constituency and is outright dishonest: BEM FEITO!
Before I go on, I want to point out the tallies in several states. I’ll be using R to represent Republican, D for Democrat and I for a third party whether it be Libertarian, Green or something else. I want to focus on the states that voted Republican but were very close.
Iâ€™m sure many of you have read or heard the news reports surrounding Seattle and its sudden influx of super-heroes (www.reallifesuperheroes.org). With a current focus on comic book movies and films such as Kick-Ass, it was only a matter of time. One in particular, a do-gooder known as Phoenix Jones, has been at the forefront of it all. Now, I know what many of you are thinking: what is this idiot doing? Heâ€™s going to get himself killed, or worse, get someone else killed. Well, Iâ€™m not one of those people.
For one, I admire what these people are trying to accomplish, as futile and dangerous as it may seem. I only wish more of us would get personally involved in helping others instead of so casually thinking, â€œItâ€™s not my problem.â€ Well, it may very well be your problem some day and youâ€™ll wish then that someone would intervene on your behalf.
Ah, itâ€™s that time of year when everyone who has chosen to ignore and shun me suddenly crawl out from whatever bowel laden holes theyâ€™ve been hiding in to wish me a Happy Birthday via phone, email and text message (I donâ€™t use Facebook, so there). Well, who gives a shit?
I just donâ€™t understand peopleâ€™s fascination with birthdays. So youâ€™ve survived however many years, big deal, so have six billion others and most of them in far worse situations than you. How about we give the congratulations and well wishes to those whoâ€™ve really struggled and overcame adversity to get where they are. â€œHey, Happy Birthday homeless dude. I realize how difficult it must be to survive on your meager rations of Night Train and meth. Hereâ€™s some ointment for your calloused and blistered hands, the product of pushing that over laden shopping cart around for the past several years. Better yet, hereâ€™s a shitty-ass card. At least you can burn it for warmth or use it to wipe the grime from your ass should your carbuncles ever heal.â€
Necro and Luv, you ignorant sluts. When one faces the dilemma with the inevitable incursion of the dead when an undead apocalypse occurs, one must do a bit of thinking. You do not just contemplate the weapon you will use, you need something that is a weapon and will take care of you at the same time. I know you two just live for bashing heads in and seeing brain sputum flying through the air to land on everything and give you Rorschach images to psychologically see how sexually depraved you truly are but in the long run you ALREADY know how sexually deprived you are by the collection of Bestiality tapes involving weasels you both own.
My decision did not take long at all. The perfect weapon is C-3PO, protocol droid from Star Wars. Why would I pick a protocol droid? Think about all the advantages. Unlike you who need to get into close proximity to dispatch a Zombie (I hate the word â€œkillâ€ when you speak of the dead), I myself need not dirty my hands nor do I need to get disgusting fluids all over my person. C-3PO being a Robot and having no human parts such as a cyborg would, need not worry about being attacked by zombies at all. Even if one were to take a nip, the zombie would just incur broken teeth and then could not eat anything due to not being able to gum pieces of flesh from intended victims. Think of all the poor zombies wearing dentures and having lost them. What about corrective lenses also? They cannot see what they are after. Did we set parameters in are these George Romero â€œNight of the Living Deadâ€ Zombies or lightning fast zombies? You may need to rethink your weapons.
Okay, everyone, listen up. This is serious. I donâ€™t often get preachy but this topic is something that I think on a lot. I know that some of you may not give this equal consideration in your daily lives but I think you should. Despite our various races, colors, religions and sexual preferences we all share one common concern as human beings: survival during a zombie attack.
Now, I know there have been many books, movies and whatnot covering this delicate scenario but Iâ€™m here to get down to the nitty-gritty of it. The other day as me and the Luv Doctor and our good buddy Jimmy Jam were settling ourselves down at the local Outback Steakhouse to enjoy a dinner together, a strange thought occurred to me. Iâ€™m not sure if it was the episode of The Walking Dead I saw the previous night or merely the sight of the Luv Doctor attacking and devouring down a piece of roast, but suddenly I asked my cohorts, â€œWhere would we go in the event of an all-out zombie attack?â€