GUARDIANS

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May 012017
 

It finally was available for viewing, and by “IT” I mean the Russian, hero-based movie named the “The Guardians”. Please never misconstrue this with the popular Marvel superhero-based group. Viewing this movie is akin to eating meat and potatoes without meat and potatoes; almost all substance seems to be missing.

The premise: A group of mutants, whose creation displays very little imagination, are brought together by an agency to fight an ultimate bad guy who utilizes computer technology 10-20 years in the past (Where the hell did they find a mono monitor and how is it running?). The ultimate bad guy has the power to control and manipulate all machinery. This begs the question I always quip in stories dealing with such phenomenon: how does equipment operate itself if there is NO mechanical mechanisms for it to do so? He dons a muscle-man latex prosthetic suit and growls and glowers constantly so we KNOW he is evil and not just constipated.

This teams consists of four meta humans who were genetically engineered and became so disgruntled, they hid themselves. Apparently, not too well since it takes 19 seconds of film time to locate all four.

The team consists of a male who can transform, in varying degrees, to a bear in horrifically bad CGI. Why not a chipmunk or ferret-man? You wish fierceness? How about a honey badger-man? I kept awaiting for the in joke about if a bear-man shits in the woods… Continue reading »

“BIGFOOT WARS”

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Aug 182016
 

Bigfoot Wars

This title denotes multiple wars occurring, but when we view, only one takes place… if you can call it a war. Field General Grrrgrah (At least that’s the tag on his hairy chest) growls and displays his incisors constantly in a display of displeasure at his troops. They kidnap young nubile human women and then the Bigfeet cover their breasts with mud. He is greatly dismayed and angered as well as I. At least that is what I understood the growling to mean, either that or he was complaining about a one HUGE hang nail.

One Bigfoot bites the dust and I cried at one more incredibly smelly anthropoid meeting its end. The human side in these “WARS” consist of 4 people. C. Thomas Howell (what an apt name for this movie) plays some supposedly tough-ass hillbilly who carried a sledge hammer on his back just in case someone needed a steak tenderized or railroad tie driven.

I must confess that every Bigfoot, and there are quite a few, all look just like Rob Zombie while in makeup. I defy anyone to tell me otherwise. Judd Nelson appears as a doctor simply because he was bored and had nothing else to do. Audrey Fox was cast to display her naked butt, and it is a fine butt, a butt not to be overlooked, a butt to be cast in plaster.

The cast of nobodies run and scream and die, but do we really care? I was downtrodden by the end when Crazed Hillbilly man and the Sheriff bite the dust wielding a sledge hammer and a machete. They didn’t even last as long as a premature ejaculator. If you wish to watch a plethora of Rob Zombies kill a few people, all the while singing, “More Human Than Human,” you have your film. This movie prompted me to set the world record for self-trepanation, but I only achieved 14 holes in my cranium.

— PK