BERKELEY, CAâ€”On Tuesday, May 1st, attorneys for 27-year-old fry cook Andrew Nelson filed a class action lawsuit asking for $23 Billion against 24 computer and video game manufacturers, alleging that the games they produce were too much fun and caused him to drop out of the University of California at Berkeley in 1993.
In a press conference, Nelson claimed that specific games, including Microprose’s Civilization, Spectrum Holobyte’s Tetris, and the Microsoft game Minesweeper were specifically designed to be fun. “As a direct result of the ever-increasing level of fun in these games, I was forced to drop out of school, where I was majoring in Astronomy. I had a promising career as a white-coated math geek ahead of me! My whole damn generation was brought down by these beautifully crafted games!”
Nelson went on to describe an average day during the heights of his obsession, “I would wake up at about noon, having missed my morning classes, and have a bong hit and some soda. I would then sit in my dirty underwear for several hours in front of the computer playing games. Eventually I would eat more bad food, smoke more pot, drink some beer, masturbate, smoke more pot, play more games, eat dinner, masturbate, smoke more pot, masturbate, and finally play some more games while masturbating. I would finally fall asleep at about six AM, wallowing in my own filthy, crusty clothes.”
Nelson’s lead attorney, Melvin Bellicose summarized the damages for his client. “These games and their addictive levels of entertainment caused irreparable harm to my client’s actualized wage-earning. Besides the loss of wages, Mr. Nelson spent several thousand dollars on various recreational drugs to while away the hours spent obsessed with these killer games.” Bellicose also added, “Oh, and that Hostess bill was a bad mother, too!”
Attorneys for Hasbro Games, who purchased Spectrum Holobyte and Microprose several years ago, claimed the lawsuit was groundless. “These games were specifically marketed for their level of fun and entertainment. The packages were clearly marked that that was their intent. If Mr. Nelson chooses to ignore that warning and install the game, he should be man enough to accept the consequences.”
Bellicose replied to those statements at a post-press conference press conference, “They don’t even try to pretend that their games are anything other than addictive entertainment. Can you believe the gall?”
Lawyers for other companies named in the suit, including Id software, Electronic Arts, Origin, SSI, Nintendo and Sega of America, reported that it was common knowledge that the majority of their games were in fact “not the least bit entertaining, and we look forward to proving it in court.”
Nelson has also filed an addendum to his lawsuit, alleging that the makers of the current hit game ‘Black and White’, as well as the creators of the free Half-Life add-on http://ahl.action-web.net/ have produced excellently absorbing, addictive games that have caused him to miss the last two weeks of work at McDonald’s.
Nelson closed his press conference, crying quietly and saying, “I just don’t want any more children to have so much fun… my God, why won’t someone think of the children?” Nelson then left the podium, weeping, as his lawyers announced a post-post-press conference press conference to discuss the suit.