Aug 302002

Psycho KillerRecently, I was given a book by John Gray P.H.D. (Perpetually Hemorrhoid Delusional). You know the men are from planet X and women are from that imaginary planet the stays in the exact opposite elliptical orbit on the other side of the sun from earth? Yeah, you know the guy. I started leafing through the book and saying to myself, “Crap, crap, knew it already, turd, excrement, who cares, never will happen”, yes I knew he was a woman at one time so you don’t have to tell me. The book is also just over 100 condensed pages so you can see he is running out of things to say about communication or he is just ready to release 20 special small books in conjunction with Hallmark and make a mint off of an unsuspecting public. I hear he has signed a deal with Reader’s Digest to release a book in their condensed series named “Mn R & Wmn Rn’t” (I never understood who reads condensed books, but what the hey). Below are some horrible oversights he just never considered.

Problem #1: This is the biggie, YES men and women have a difficult time communicating but what is not taken into account is that 50% of the time neither WANTS to hear what the other is saying. It’s like talking to an animal at this point. All that is heard is, “WONK WONK WONK WONK!” Now we know why all the Charlie Brown gang grew up dysfunctional! They never understood anyone older than themselves, for God’s sakes! Let’s face it, if it is something we WANT, it makes NO difference what is said. We might as well learn sign language from Helen Keller, how about Morse Code, a .44 magnum (with the “this is a .44 magnum speech tacked on and modified somewhat), well I tried to come up with something! Why do you think domestic violence is so frightening to the police? It is Men and Women trying to communicate! That is more frightening than any thermonuclear device. You imagine the sales of the Bobbit incident on tape? Man, you cannot prepackage that kind of communication! “Darling, are you trying to tell me something?” as you chase the next-door neighbor’s asthmatic Chihuahua around the yard carrying a blooding penis in its mouth.

Problem #2: Women want a penis and men want a vagina for entirely different reasons of course but in the end I think we would all be fascinated for a few days playing with ourselves and wanking off until we got bored. Just think, now we could bitch at women about the toilet seat and scratching themselves (now that they know why we do it and have so much fun). We can feel the torment of the bleeding period and why women want to murder so often. I am sure we would all return to our respective genitals in a short period of time after the novelty wore off. I am sure a few of us would still be cross-dressing though. Love those Manties! There are woman that exist that are more muscular than most men and are only missing the penis.

Problem #3: Real Dolls. The ANSWER to it all! The closest thing to perfection we know of. They sell male and female dolls that are anatomically correct. You can order them to look however you want. They do not talk back, they can be posed in any position you want and they are built to withstand the humping strain of a White Rhino in mating season. Next will come the mechanics, they are working on gyrating hips at the moment. As long as they give you the programming ability to make them say what you want, it will work.

Problem #4: Maybe we were never meant to be monogamous? Gee, with very few exceptions in nature it is hump and run away or hump and consume your mate, just like many adults do. Maybe we were just meant to get together for a short intense period of time and boink our brains out. How many shallow marriages do you know? Lots huh? Maybe we will get it through our heads someday that we were NOT meant to be together till death do us part (which sometimes comes from our significant others). I hate the term by the way almost as much as soul mate (which my ex-girlfriend has met 6 times in her life. Soul mate number 6 on the chopping block, where is number 7).

I could go on and on and I probably will as I continue and elaborate on this in my own personal writings. I was talking to a friend lately and we were talking about blind dates and she brought up the topic of “Why do men always say they will call you at the end of a date when they do not have any intention?” I replied, “What would you prefer? We say we will call you and do not or NO, I do NOT want to see you again because you told me you were slightly overweight and you are 400 pounds, or you sent me a picture of you from 10 years ago, or you are so needy you make me ill?” Point driven home? Nuff said. I’m outta here.

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