Mar 112011

Psycho KillerWhen I was a wee lad and for a part of my adult life until the internet actually became the runaway monster it is, the entity known as the critic was a relatively obscure creature. You could have run across one in a larger metropolitan newspaper and occasionally on the television. They were the freaks that actually got paid to tell you what they thought. We never gave them much credence due to the fact if they crawled out from under a rock and were actually seen, there would immediately be a public stoning, not that I minded the public stoning, they got my arm in pitching shape for baseball season. Nothing like breaking off a curve with a medium size stone and hitting a critic right in the testicles. If I could do that I knew I was ready for the season and a plethora of batters all laying in a fetal positions in the dirt at the plate holding their groins.

The internet is a large suppository(that is NOT a mistake) of 99% useless information and yes it does make me wince like a suppository would every time I access it. The critic which at one time was a rarity in now so common place sometimes I feel like placing my head in the oven on broil and have someone slather it with KC Masterpiece sauce with the BOLD taste, then have them sell my head on Ebay to a multitude of bid happy cannibals. Wherever you turn on the internet, there is a critic. There exists a clearly defined list of philosophical fallacies that if one could make an argument minus these fallacies, one would be making a clear and concise argument. Unfortunately you will read critiques written by a man that keep 42 female (ewes) sheep in his house, wearing garter belts and French stocking and refers to them as his concubines. This person critiques a movie in the romance category and you really do not understand his intense hatred of the movie. You are puzzled when he writes “There just was not enough BLEETING in this movie to satisfy me!”

What drives me insane is the fact that if you happen to access the Internet Movie Data Base, you will see a example of what is Hell on Earth when it comes to critics. Say a popular movie has been released and is doing very well in the monetary department. That movie on the IMDB will supply you with information pertinent to the film along with 1,829 reviews. They have already supplied you with a synopsis of the film but almost 2000 people deemed it necessary to write the SAME review 1,829 times. Talk about useless information. Cannot someone come up with something at least of interest? “I spent an evening viewing this cliffhanger while hanging upside down from the ceiling by a rope as angry and starving Chihuahuas jumped, snapping at my face, which had been covered in blood from a raw steak”. Now THAT review I would have a tendency to read. How about “I watched this movie while having sex with my boyfriend and I missed interesting parts when I was on top. Most of the time we do it doggy style facing the screen so I never miss a second of a movie!” You see how those sentences starting off a review would capture your attention? Netflix does the same thing. The rating system is SO bad that you will always see movies rated WAY to highly. Genre people usually like that genre so they watch all the films in that genre and rate them WAY too high. “The Donkey Basketball Massacre” shot with someone’s cell phone should not garner a 4 star out of 5 rating although I did enjoy it when the donkey pulled a machete from nowhere and decapitated the referee. The ref deserved it since he was blatantly making very bad calls. The rating on many movies would have you believe there are 1248 films this year vying for the Oscar category for best picture.

This insanity and inanity are even present when you are perusing sites to make a purchase on. I actually so receive some enjoyment from the site Newegg which specializes in computers. I love always reading why someone gave a product a 1 star out of 5 and do my sort to read them all. Inevitably, you will run across idiots that prove to you what idiots they truly are by their review. Take this review of a PCI-E video card “I am most annoyed with this card. When I received it I immediately unwrapped and an proceed to stick it up my rectum. I could not extricate it no matter how I tried and ended up going to the emergency room to have it removed claiming I had fallen on it in the shower. Obviously the fan on the heat sink is TOO large so DO NOT purchase this product!” Essentially I have read reviews that are precisely in the same vein as this. A person buys a DVD rom drive and then proceeds to launch into why he is giving it a 1 star rating and why no one should buy it. Well no where in the ad for the product did it state it would make cappuccino! I see this all the time. People critiquing a product negatively for functions NEVER listed in the advertisement. They are proof positive that life does arise from after birth. Amazon is another of my favorite sites for this phenomenon. If I look at the negative reviews and determine the people that wrote them are idiots, it is a good indication of a product I may wish to buy.

I remember at one time working for a game company named SSI. We had released a baseball game which was getting great reviews. There was a specific magazine in which 3 guys would rate every game they played for that issue. If all 3 rated a game above 90% you would receive a Golden Triad award. That was a real coup for the game. Well 2 of the critics rated it at 96 and 98 and the third 60. Why so low you ask? He explained that he did not like sports games so rated it low just for that reason. If I mentioned the time period, you would discover that it mysteriously coincided with anthrax being mailed to certain people. Fortunately the next the critic that took his place liked sports!

Let’s face it everyone critiques. I myself critiqued books for a period. I tried to remain objective. I knew it was time to stop writing when I had received a fantasy book to review and wrote the most contradictive review you would ever read. I stated I hated it since I was completely burned out on the genre but someone else who was not burned out on it would love it! Sometimes having multiple personalities does have its’ drawbacks. Hence forth more than ever it is important to know what you like and not be swayed by any rube that a film should have been done precisely the way they envisioned it and it would have been. My favorite example of this is the film critic Rex Reed who has been a critic forever. I am most dubious of his ability to distinguish between what is bad and good in films since he starred in one of the greatest “BAD” movies of all time named “Myra Breckenridge”. Well I guess if someone would pay me to be a critic I would do so but I am sure my other personality Petunia would object to it.

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