May 262011

Psycho KillerI was contemplating yesterday why “Big Foot” received that nomenclature? Should he not be named “Big Feet” or a reference to another anatomical body part? He could just as easily been named “Big Ass” or “Huge Testicles”, but those would have to be enormous to leave tracks as he walked in the dirt. Crypto zoology is the study of animals that do not exist in nature. In Ohio we had the “Skunk Ape”. He was the stinky cousin to the Sasquatch in California that loves to swim in the ocean and sun bath on the beach. This gives them a beautiful, shiny, golden boy look unlike his Ohio cousins which tramps through the thick underbrush and muddy creeks and just look unkempt. He needs an appearance on “Complete Makeover”.  A complete hairdo transformation and some underarm deodorant so he is not as offensive to the olfactory senses. False eye lashes, eye shadow and he is ready for a night on the swamp!

Ohio also has an infestation of Dog men. How do they know they are not werewolves? How do they know they are dog men? Is there a small Chihuahua man, drooling Saint Bernard dog man? They have been rarely seen and they seem to congregate in packs and smell each other’s butts.  I would not think these creatures would be difficult at all to trap. Just bring along a bag of Snausages and you would have them rolling over, begging and playing dead in no time. Apparently dog men are easy to train. Just remember to get your Dog man a collar with his name on it in case he gets lost and always carry a titanic plastic bag to clean up after him. Oh one more thing, buy them underwear and shorts since you do not want to expose a huge dog man dork in public. This could be traumatic to the elderly and dwarves.

Another story that came from my neck of the woods had to deal with the dreaded “Moth Man”! He was always showing up at night with his huge red eyes breaking into people’s closets and eating their silk and wool clothes whole and pissing owners off. He also had a habit of flying into porch lights and destroying them. Electrical insect traps did no good because they were not meant for a 6 foot tall moth. He also had a habit of making phone calls to people and driving them crazy by reversing the long distant charges and lying about who he was. He was calling information for numbers he could easily look up in the phone book. He was supposed to have the ability to call and tell a person that some great tragedy was about to occur but would never say exactly what it was and just allude to the event. I believe he received his information from Sylvia Brown. There was a movie made about the Moth Man with Richard Gere in the lead role. The penultimate moment in the film has Gere in a motel room by himself with the curtains drawn and Moth Man informs him in a chilling phone exchange that he is wearing woman’s crotchless butt floss undies. Very scary!

How can one forget the Jersey Devil? It was an innocent chicken but because he lived in Jersey, along with anyone else who does, he mutated. I love the description of this creature since they vary SO much. It is as small as a gerbil or about the size of an aircraft carrier. It was born to a woman that was cursed since it was her 13th child. That REALLY is a curse!  The baby was born and it mutated within minutes, like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, into a demon. Well, I guess skinny, emaciated demons that resembled a bat creature are REALLY scary! I would be deathly afraid of the JD due to its close resemblance to modern day clothes models. They are truly heinous! Just add batwings to any runway model and you have a new monster! There are not too many monsters you can chase away with a broom stick or by just yelling out ‘SHOO!”

How can we possibly leave Nessie off this list? Its most famous picture is of an unfocused stick poking out of the water. There was a theory that the Lockness Monster was really Jack the Ripper but it is well known that Nessie is a pinniped and would have great trouble handling cutting instruments and besides she herself was a prostitute at one time. Nessie has been quoted in interviews that she is quite angry and disappointed that with today’s digital photography with AUTO FOCUS, that not one person can get a clear picture of her or any of the other crypto zoo creatures. She cried as she said this on Oprah’s last televised show before she slipped on the floor and fell on top of Oprah. Fortunately they were able to rush Oprah to a nearby gas station and pump her up to 42.5 PSI with the air hose and she was fine and will be shown as one of the Macy’s Day Parade’s balloons this year.

I am carrying an auto-focus camera with me at the moment so I can catch all the crazy shenanigans those monsters and ghosts and ETs are up to? I am looking for the elusive compassionate heart which I know does exist but I have yet to find it, at least around my house.

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