Jul 022002

Psycho KillerHow did the world get so fucked up? Oh, I am sure it has been this way for quite awhile. I am one cynical bastard and get even more so as time passes. Let us focus on the state of Texas. Land of drive-thru liquor stores and where you can also buy that .44 magnum you have always wanted along with your hunting license and that fifth of Jim Beam or bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, all at the same time. This is the state where they printed the only copy of the Presidency for Dummies. So begins our saga!

So, this medical assistant is on her way home and happens to hit some guy wandering the street with her car. His head gets caught in the windshield, both legs have compound fractures and he is screaming for her to help him. Well, I guess crank does strange things to you. Maybe she mistook him for a giant fly or something. You know the “HELP ME, HELP ME!” thing from the old Vincent Price movie? Well, after all it is Texas! Everything is bigger there! So she continues to drive home and parks in the garage. She decides to go to bed but DAMN the big fly just will not shut up and keeps screaming for help. Damn pest! A shot of RAID to the face does not have the desired effect. The fly is more obnoxious than ever and earplugs are required to sleep.

Well, in the morning she has to take an alternate form of transportation since when even in Texas a human through the windshield is not acceptable. A deer yes, human no. La, la, la, la goes the day and on her way home she stops at the store and buys some Robitussin to put on the broken legs, hoping to miraculously cure the wounds. Damn, that guys is still screaming for help and how much pain he is in. What about me, she says? What about my needs? All I hear is, “I’m bleeding to death! My legs are broken! Help me!” Insensitive man! He would not even eat the Gerber’s baby food I tried to feed him! Not only that but blood is staining my garage floor and the finish on my car. Later that day she tells her friends about the man in the windshield. Her friend, thinking it is some fucked up crazy Yankee piece of art shit, says he would throw it in a dumpster! DAMN YANKEE ARTIST PIECE OF SHIT! Well 2 days after entering the window, he dies and subsequently being a Yankee piece of shit art thang gets disposed of in a dumpster.

Now, unfortunately this really happened and what is worse is if this P.O.S. excuse for a human being is not fried, a gross miscarriage of justice will have occurred. A problem occurs here that I see. If her lawyer sees this rant, he might actually try to utilize the giant fly defense for the first time in a court! And this being Texas…

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