Sep 012001

Psycho KillerOh, the discussion that NX and I had is one to speak of. We began the evening when we went to the local Johnny Garlic’s, a place that will protect you should you have vampire problems. After a meal here just breathe on your assailant and he will melt as well as many normal people. We started the evening innocent enough having a few drinks and discussing the differences between men and women. Of course I push the subject because it is a sore subject with me. You will have to read my rant next month: EQ Ate My Balls! Now, the interesting thing is that we discussed these questions with a number of the staff to ascertain exactly the observations I have been encountering over the last few weeks. We talked to our bartender Paul and our waitress named Vicki (whose glasses I loved and I’m wishing she’d call me for a date. I think I love your prescription).

Now we began discussing the differences between men and women. After having a few drinks (we do not drink often and after a few, we think Elvis joined in on the conversation), and talking to Paul, I realized he experienced the same thing all males go through at one time or another and it made me feel quite sad. I have been speaking with many guys and they all say the same thing: all us males in relationships want to be accepted for who we are but inevitably we are places on a checklist of how we have changed over a period of time or how we need to be changed in order to satisfy our respective others’ needs and make them happy. Who started spreading this crap anyway? Are we not supposed to go into relationships as fully integrated personalities that can make ourselves happy? No, we are there to make the other person happy. That is one crock of crap in itself. Now, we had been drinking quite heavily and we had been doing some self-introspective examination and belching and silently passing gas.

We came to some theories and postulations. NX has the “Cyclopean Sex Theory” that women have sex only as a weapon just as the Cyclops has only a single eye. His theory goes on to postulate that if you obtain sex somewhere else; they no longer have control or that weapon to wield against men (which would prove true in my situation since my ex could only wield sex as a weapon and use it as a form of control). Most women just do not seem to want to have sex just for the pleasure of the act itself, more often than not there is an ulterior motive same as that of a mantis! “How will I get him to paint the kitchen? Hmmm, I will let him have a little tonight.” Gosh I guess just asking is out of the question. Communication is just overrated, I guess.

I have my “Women Are Emotional Camels” theory. That just as the hump on the back of a camel, which is utilized to store fat for times of famine, a woman from day one will remember everything (and I mean every friggin’ little thing) that has pissed her off or bothered her emotionally throughout the relationship. This could cover a fifty-year relationship. Fifty years from now you will be called on the carpet for something that occurred in the first month together. And, of course, the man will be responsible for EVERYTHING that has gone awry or wrong in her life, even the wars now raging in the Middle East will be blamed on him. I myself was told it was my fault my girlfriend gained weight and my fault she could not lose it. I guess I have forgotten all those nights I sat across from her and stuffed Twinkies down her throat; you want to talk about losing a grip on reality.

I also have the “Womb Envy” theory. I believe that men want and need sex so much that they in reality want to return to the womb. So the act of sex lets us get as close to the womb as possible with the exception of those occupations in which we could obtain one and put it in a jar and display it on our desk and appear in the Weekly World News. “Hey, NX, look at my womb!” I already see the envy in all the men’s eyes.

Now Captain Unicorn has a theory and he presented it to three woman we were eating with one day and one agreed with it and one was borderline and the other, of course, just shut it out since it is negative and women are always being oppressed (CRAP). He calls it the “All Women Are Insane” theory. I like this one. Cap explains that due to certain Socio-economic constraints certain ethnic women, due to poor upbringing, have the right to be insane or act that way. Now we all know too many Caucasian women that have come from good homes and upbringings and they are just as crazy or insane in relationships for no apparent reason, hence Cap’s blanket statement that they are all insane. What is more amazing is his own sister agrees with him on this theory. I have had firsthand experience with this one and I think Freud could have done a lifetime study on my ex and would have come up with about 187 more emotional and mental problems humans can experience.

So we proceeded to drink and call our friends until 2:30 am (Cap. informed us he was sitting at home naked playing EverQuest, so we left it at that). We even brow beat the Luv Doctor into coming our way and drinking with us and watching Dawg (yeah right, fuck him) dismember and rip the suffing out of his stuffed bug toy until 5:30 am, but we never got word from Iron Chef Monkey Butt (who was also out drinking) and the Dread Pirate Skogen was probably sleeping anyway and would have gotten all butt hurt if we woke him up. This rant is the result of that evening: drinks, laughs, lamenting and the eviscerating of stuffed animals. We ran the gauntlet and feel better for it. Paul, buddy, you’re not alone.

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