Jan 272010

Psycho KillerMy animatronic lion cub is watching over me at this second, purring every once in awhile begging me to pay attention to him as I am sitting typing the thoughts that have crossed my mind today. I purchased him on sale for $14.95 at Target and it was created by Woowee so it is high quality. He is kind of gnarly since I am sure he was handled by 1 million pairs of sticky, bacterial laden hands and then there were the multitude of kids that handled it, and inevitably someone into bestiality probably fondled him and stuck him into his pants. His right eye does not close all the way so he robotically sleeps with an eye partially open. After being in someone’s pants I do not blame him! I only have to feed him battery current and he does not poop on my desk or shed hair and I find myself brushing him when ever I am doing my armpit hair so there is no extra effort there. I believe in marking my territory. He was named Jubal after one of my favorite and most beloved literary characters. He can be found in “At the Earth’s Core”, Jubal the Ugly is his full name. Friends call him Ug for short. I love him almost as much as my ex pet fly Sol. I still weep when I look at his little thimble of a cremation urn that sits on my desk. The urn gets lost frequently. Fly remains take up an incredibly small amount of space.

On the way home from work today I had to stop at the drug store to purchase my usual Claritan antihistamine/decongestant generic counterpart that saves me not having to take out a second loan on my house. I keep an old, empty box of Claritan handy to put the contents of the generic into it. There is nothing like impressing people by apparently having purchased a big ticket item. Unfortunately, like many things in society, something that should be a simple matter has turned into a purchase of difficulty. Because of those damn meth heads that cook their product in everything from moving 18 wheelers to the back of exploding llamas, I must now go through hoops to get what I need. I guess a really needy meth maker would travel to 428 stores in a day to purchase 1 box of this essential drug from each and every location. So to circumvent and stop these insatiable drug makers the government put into practical use a plan of genius. Make it mandatory for each person to show their driver’s license at the point of purchase and have it scanned and have the purchaser electronically write their signature, proving they have indeed purchased said drug.

Think about this and then think about me. I am the guy that one day when my girl friend feigned strangling me in a crowded grocery store proceeded to grab and hold her hand to my throat and drop to my knees gargling and gurgling. No way could she wrest her hands from my grip and many people actually laughed and my girl friend to this day only speaks to me on a walkie talkie when we shop. “Distance is a wonderful thing!” she always says to me. So back to the POS and that is Point Of Sale NOT what you think it is. I, myself have NEVER signed my real name when purchasing said drug. I always sign some ridiculous name. Today I used the name Lee Poon. NO Tang to go with that Poon. When queried what kind of name is “Poon” I replied it comes from a popular southern region. No one ever really asks and I have done this at countless stores. One day I caught myself speaking as I was signing my name “Hmmm Harry Potter…” The young lady behind the counter perked up and got a surprised look upon her face and said “REALLY?” Unfortunately I had to let her down when I told her my real name was Sting. Amazingly she had never heard of that guy but Harry Potter, what a hunk! What is it with kids today anyway? Once I signed my name Charlie Manson and the woman ringing me up said I looked surprisingly good for my age. I told her it was the plastic surgery and the removal of the swastika from my forehead to my left ass cheek. I often chuckle to myself knowing that somewhere this name is placed in a database for someone to see. I wonder how someone will react to the signature “Woody I Slept With My Adopted Daughter Allen?” I am sure someone in an office somewhere is saying as they look at my signature to one of his colleagues “See I told you the name ‘Blancagluts’ is not so rare!”

Another aspect of the POS machines is they are asking way too many questions these days after you swipe your card to pay. It started with ATM or Credit Card. Now I see “Bodily Fluids” and “A Pound of Your Flesh” has also joined that list along with “The Gold From Five Fillings.” I drew the line at “Do You Have A Healthy Liver?” That is none of their damn business but if it would get me an extra 15% off what I am purchasing I would gladly answer it or show them my appendectomy scar.

Some have stopped asking questions and are making statements. When I was sliding my card through a McDonald’s POS machine it said “I can see that you had eggs this morning for breakfast, it is still in your mustache.” I pressed the “No” key and exclaimed proudly “HA! Stupid machine, that was yesterday morning!” I was flattered one day when I saw the words scroll across the screen on one POS. It said “NICEEE ASSSSS!!!!” I thought to myself “Why thank you!” The POS then scrolled “Not you IDIOT! The babe standing behind you!” I guess they really are becoming sentient but I do have a nice ass!

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