Nov 222010

Psycho KillerNecro and Luv, you ignorant sluts. When one faces the dilemma with the inevitable incursion of the dead when an undead apocalypse occurs, one must do a bit of thinking. You do not just contemplate the weapon you will use, you need something that is a weapon and will take care of you at the same time. I know you two just live for bashing heads in and seeing brain sputum flying through the air to land on everything and give you Rorschach images to psychologically see how sexually depraved you truly are but in the long run you ALREADY know how sexually deprived you are by the collection of Bestiality tapes involving weasels you both own.

My decision did not take long at all. The perfect weapon is C-3PO, protocol droid from Star Wars. Why would I pick a protocol droid? Think about all the advantages. Unlike you who need to get into close proximity to dispatch a Zombie (I hate the word “kill” when you speak of the dead), I myself need not dirty my hands nor do I need to get disgusting fluids all over my person. C-3PO being a Robot and having no human parts such as a cyborg would, need not worry about being attacked by zombies at all. Even if one were to take a nip, the zombie would just incur broken teeth and then could not eat anything due to not being able to gum pieces of flesh from intended victims. Think of all the poor zombies wearing dentures and having lost them. What about corrective lenses also? They cannot see what they are after. Did we set parameters in are these George Romero “Night of the Living Dead” Zombies or lightning fast zombies? You may need to rethink your weapons.

Being nigh indestructible to zombies, C-3PO need only fill a serving tray with human remains and run in any direction leading all zombies at a great distance from my being. Of course he would fill the bait with metal objects to break hungry zombies teeth off. On the way back he could look for food and then prepare me a wonderful, tasty meal without any intervention by any type of zombie. Even though we know C-3PO is a cretin coward when it comes to laser fire he will have no hesitation dealing with that which cannot destroy him nor harm him. C-3PO being a protocol droid would also assist in making zombies more appealing by cleaning their clothing and making them more visually appealing to the livings eyes.

I can order C-3PO to tie the laces of the shoes of zombies together so they are constantly tripping and falling over hence making them helpless. Also, think about him placing skates on their feet? Not only incapacitating a zombie but proving hours of laughter as well. He could also give many zombies wedgies so they would chaff very badly and make it difficult to walk. C-3PO could dig a huge ditch around my abode and line it with pungie sticks and a 12 foot fence to prevent zombies from getting to me. He could then use Frebreeze to spray zombies impaled on the pungie sticks to make them smell Spring fresh and appealing. I could also have him operate a garbage truck and have him pick up zombies by the armpits and place them in the back the truck, crushing them to a pulp. He could also operate any heavy construction vehicle and crush zombies to a pulp as he drove over them.

C-3PO could grow garlic and shove cloves of it up zombies’ nostrils preventing them from smelling “BRAINS” as it would make hunting impossible. He could also tie handkerchiefs around their eyes so they could not see and place ear plugs in their ears. A deaf, blind and olfactory impaired zombie is helpless. I thought about Chewbacca for a bit but he screams too much and smells horrible when his fur gets wet. R2-D2 I just cannot understand at all, I think you have to study his language for four years to even understand what he is saying to you which is “Fuck You” most of the time in droid language.

I give you C-3PO, protocol droid, the perfect zombie weapon and butler.

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